


I Wish I...

by Mrs_Monaghan



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Humor, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bipolar Disorder, But y'all know i got u with that happy ending, Cheating, Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Hurt Ian Gallagher, Hurt Mickey Milkovich, Insecure Ian Gallagher, Jealous Ian Gallagher, Just a shit ton of angst guys, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2019-05-04 00:07:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 49,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14580633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mrs_Monaghan/pseuds/Mrs_Monaghan
Summary: What do you do when the person you'd take a bullet for, ends up being the one holding the gun?P.SContains possible triggers; please proceed with caution





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Fuckinggallavich](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fuckinggallavich/gifts).



> 1) still working on that title guys!
> 
> 2) Incase you didn't see the tags (ha ha) i'm just gonna say it one more time. this fic is for the strong. **ANGST GALORE** ahead guys!!!! My regular readers (you know who u are) u might wanna take a step back on this one or wait till it's done. :))
> 
> 3) this is for fuckinggallavich i promised her a long time ago. this is for you May! Mob love!!! hope i'm still your fav writer. *wink*wink*
> 
> 4) Credit to fiafaust a.k.a Sofia who is my go to consultant for when i delve into bipolar. Thanks girl!  
> And thank you Jessica92 for coming through on the same  
> ( ˘ ³˘)❤
> 
> 5) For those who are still with me, ENJOY my peeps! and no matter what remember, I _always_ give a happy ending to our boys.
> 
> Les go

_6 Years Ago…_

 

Ian gets home early from work with a pleased smile. He just got out from a low, a pretty severe one and he knows he’s put Max through a lot for the last two weeks. He even pissed himself this time and Max had had the unfortunate job of cleaning a grown man’s urine. Great. Just perfect. Ian sighs. When that happens his doctor had told him he should be hospitalized but Ian tries to avoid that as much as he can, so he had begged Max not to. So far Max has been his longest relationship. They’ve been together 2 years and his disease has acted up three times to be exact. All those times his boyfriend has been there for him and Ian is feeling very grateful.

So he passed by Patsy’s and Fiona gave him a free pie when she heard it was for Max who had been there for him, again. Ian has already been dumped twice because of his disease so it’s a big deal that Max is still with him. At least to Ian. Walking into their apartment, he toes off his shoes, still smiling. He's about to call out Max’s name when he hears something.

Ian slowly places the pie on their coffee table.

He can hear it now. The sound of their bed hitting the wall is loud and clear. Ian sighs heavily. For some reason he's not as surprised as he should be. Max yells out a name that sounds like Peter, but Ian can't be too sure. The redhead sighs again and heads to their kitchen to grab a spoon. He then sits down on the couch, pulling the pie onto his lap. He sits, listening as his boyfriend gets fucked in their bed. Ian is still not performing in bed yet, he always needs recovery time after adjusting to new medication. So he supposes its fair that Max would look for new dick seeing as Ian hasn’t fucked him in close to a month.

Ian takes another bite and chews, facing up to the ceiling to prevent his tears from falling. The reason he is not shocked is because subconsciously he has been waiting for this. Two years is longer than he expected their relationship to last for. After all, Ian can never keep a boyfriend. If they don’t leave him the moment they find out he's bipolar, they leave him once they experience a manic or a depressive state.

Max had sworn it was okay every time he had to take care of Ian. Ian is the idiot who had believed him. A lone tear manages to fall, as it downs on the redhead that he may never find the guy who will love him _in spite of_ his disease. If this is why he will keep losing the men he loves, he would rather just keep this to himself or not date at all. God, it hurts. He might just end up dying alone or living a lie. Those are his only two choices. When he was diagnosed the therapist had assured him he would be able to live normally. That this disease is not a big deal and as long as he takes his meds regularly like he's supposed to, he will live a happy normal life.

Sometimes Ian really doubts that.

He's dated Max for two years so he knows when the guy is about to come. He sits there, eating his pie and listening to his boyfriend orgasm by another man. Doesn’t move, even after they're done, continues to eat his pie and waits them out.

.

“Oh my fucking God!” the guy –Ian thinks it may be Peter. He's not sure, doesn’t care- yells the moment he steps outside the bedroom naked. He covers his crotch before going back inside and shutting the door behind him.

Ian then hears Max yell; “What?!”

He swallows the lump in his throat and takes another bite even though the pie tastes like mud now. It seems like an hour or more have passed before his boyfriend walks out of their bedroom with Peter or maybe not Peter trailing behind. At least Max has the decency to feel guilty and look ashamed.

Ian places both feet on the table and takes another bite, watching Max. If the guy starts with; “I can explain” Ian will snap even though he is pretty calm right now.

“Ian.” Max starts.

The redhead stands up and raises his hand to stop him. “Don’t.” he shrugs.

It hurts. It hurts to have this happen to him again. Its taking everything he has to keep his shit together even though he feels like someone is squeezing his chest. He hates being alone. He really does. But he understands that this is his fault. So he won't yell or get mad at Max. he clears his throat looking between the two men.

“I'm just gonna pack my shit and will be out of your hair.”

He walks past them, Peter maybe not Peter stepping as far away as he can from him. Ian goes into their closet and pulls out his duffle bag, pushing his clothes in  haphazardly. The door closes behind him and Ian sighs.

“Go away Max.”

“Ian. Despite what happened today I _am_ sorry.” The redhead scoffs. “It may not seem like it but I am.”

Ian stops packing to rub a hand across his forehead. He knows why, but he asks anyway. “Why? What did I do wrong?” he hates that his voice cracks.

“I love you.” Max starts and Ian shakes his head. “I really fucking do Ian but dating you…”

Ian finally stands and turns around. “But dating me, what?”

Max sighs. “It shouldn’t be so damn hard.” He says, and Ian sees just how much he means that. A relationship with Ian is work. Ian is exhausting. He knew that but Max confirming it makes a sob leave Ian's throat but he quickly catches it. He can't stop his expression from crumbling however. “And its _so_ hard with you.” Max finishes, honestly. “I tried Ian, I'm sorry.”

Ian is speechless. What can he say? What is there to say? It’s the truth and he is grateful Max told him the truth. Because now Ian knows he's a burden. No one deserves to be with someone who is a burden. So Ian understands.

He goes back to packing, sniffing so he won't cry. When it gets too much he grabs what he has so far and leaves the apartment. He calls Lip as soon as he’s outside the apartment building. His brother hears how upset he is and leaves work so they can meet at his place. He is there for Ian, just like he was the first two times this happened. And when Ian tells him he is done with relationships, Lip doesn’t argue because in that moment he understands. He just helps Ian to his spare bedroom and tucks him into bed.

 

                       And that night as he cries in bed, Ian swears, he won't date again. And if he does, the next guy he finds Ian won't tell him he's sick. No matter what happens he refuses to ever come clean, ever again.

But mostly and more importantly, Ian doesn't want to date again. It hurts too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know.... i know. Still with me?  
> *wiggles hopeful eyebrows*
> 
> Kudos and all comments welcome!!!


	2. Chapter 2

_Now._   

It’s been six long years since Ian broke up with Max and swore off dating. It’s been good. It’s been great actually knowing that he’s not in love and in a happy relationship only to eventually lose the guy. Sure he’s lonely a lot of the times when he has to go to bed alone, sure he wishes he had someone he loves and loves him in return. Detached sex is fun and all but Ian would give anything to find a guy who will love him even with all his short comings. Not that he hasn’t met interested candidates, but Ian usually vehemently turns them down. There was this guy Carlson where he had to end their sexual arrangement because it looked like he was falling for Ian and the redhead couldn’t have that.

The guy was really nice. He was the same height as Ian or maybe an inch taller, had just moved from New York to start a new life in Chicago. Ian had been the first guy Carlson had clicked with apparently and they had a lot in common so it was inevitable when they ended up in bed together. Ian had made sure to keep their relationship as purely sexual as he possibly could. It wasn’t until one day Carlson mentioned how his family were going to hate that he was _dating_ a white guy, that Ian realized they were not on the same page. He had immediately ended things with a vague explanation.

That was three years ago.

Maybe there is a man out there who will love Ian with all his baggage, who knows. But so far Ian has only had bad experiences. A long lasting relationship is clearly not in the cards for him so one night stands it is. And even those he's super careful with. He slowed down significantly with the number of his hook ups after Carlson, not wanting something like that to happen again. Take now for example, he hasn’t fucked in five months. It’s been just him and his right hand for a while now, a sacrifice that’s been worth it, in Ian's opinion. He loves fast, and he loves hard, so he could end up being someone else’s Carlson and he’d rather not risk it. When he comes across a guy he's extremely attracted to, Ian is out of there like a bat out of hell. His heart has been broken more than enough times.

Something that has worked out very well for him so far.

The redhead walks into the bar near his apartment building where he's been a regular for years now. It’s on a lazy Sunday afternoon and he usually spends his time there even though the most he’ll take is 4 beers thanks to this fucking disease. Hard drinks, maybe a glass or two and that’s it.

“Hey Moz.” He greets his regular bartender, as he settles by the counter. The first time he had found out Moz was short for Moses he had laughed for 5 minutes straight and that’s how they’d become friends.

“Hey Ian.” Moz greets. “How’s my favorite light weight?”

“Your light weight would love some whiskey today.” He kids, knowing fully well Moz won't serve him hard liquor.

“Not from me, you know that. Gonna have to wait for Charlotte.”

Ian flips him off. Moses’ big brother used to have bipolar disease too and he unfortunately committed suicide a few years ago. With not so many words Moz had made it clear alcohol was a big reason as to why they lost him. So the bartender never sells Ian hard liquor or more than four beers. Not even on his birthday. Ian gets it and doesn’t give him too much shit for it. Moz says he cares about Ian and he won't be the reason his meds start failing. It’s become something they do now, Ian ordering something Moz can't sell him, the latter snarking at him and the night goes on.

Ian just chuckles. “Spoil sport.”

 

.

 

Mickey turns his head when he hears light laughter behind him. There is a tall redhead in very fitting clothes getting settled by the counter. He seems to be exchanging words with the bartender then laughing every few seconds. The guy is wearing a green T-shirt and black skinny jeans. He is a motherfucking dream. Mickey's breath stutters when the redhead lets out loud laughter this time. Mickey is _instantly_ attracted to the guy. More attracted than he has ever been to anyone in his life.

“Switch with me.”

Iggy looks at Mickey startled. “What?”

“I said fucking switch with me.” Mickey whisper shouts.

A confused Iggy looks around, his eyes landing on a redhead on the counter who looks like he’d be Mickey's type. He doesn’t ask any more questions and immediately switches seats with his brother. “Alright, keep it your pants. I'm moving.”

Now Mickey has a clear view of the stranger and can stare at him without being obvious. He takes a sip of his whiskey and licks his lips. He wants that man, he decides. He wants him and he will give him whatever he wants, and do whatever he wants. He wants to learn the redhead’s name. He wants to learn his likes and dislikes, his favorite actor, his favorite type of music, his favorite sexual position and does he enjoy blow jobs? Mickey would gladly go down on this guy for hours. He bets the stranger’s good in bed. He looks like he could be fucking _fantastic_ in bed.

What's, his, name?

With that thought, Mickey's legs are way ahead of him and suddenly he's moving towards the guy. With quick strides he’s suddenly standing next to the redhead and leaning on the counter, his drink on his left hand.

“Hey.” He directs at the hot stranger, trying to sound more collected than he really is. The guy – God, he’s even more breath taking upclose- turns to look at him. “Are you alone?”

The redhead smiles at him, this sweet, dashing smile that makes Mickey a little breathless. He must have this guy, there's no two ways about it now. “Not anymore.” Is the reply he gets, as the guy turns towards him fully.

Feeling very encouraged, Mickey takes the next stool. “Whatchu drinking?”

“Whatever you’re buying.”

Ian’s heart stutters at the dimpled smile he gets as the guy introduces himself. “I'm Mickey.”

It’s when Ian is about to introduce himself when he remembers, _shit_. He really likes this guy. Like really, really likes him. He is so gorgeous and his eyes are this blue that just draws you in. Ian has been lost in them since the guy –Mickey- got here. Confidence is coming off of him in waves and Ian finds it pretty fucking hot. He is clearly very attracted to the guy which means; “I have to go.”

Mickey’s heart drops and he frowns, a little baffled and surprised to be honest. He could have sworn the guy liked him back. All the signs had been pointing towards that direction since he got here. How could he have already fucked up? What the hell? He watches, speechless and confused as the man of his dreams quickly leaves clumsily, knocking the stool over in his haste to leave. The redhead practically runs out of the bar and Mickey… is still super confused.

Still gaping, Mickey turns towards the bartender whose tag reads _Moz_. The guy just shrugs at him before attending to a new customer.

Mickey walks back to his and Iggy’s table, still trying to decipher what the fuck just happened.

Well, shit.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> posting schedule: Daily  
> maximum delay : 1 day
> 
> due to the nature of this fic i will do my level best. my very best to ensure the updates are as regular as possible. Okay? Okay.
> 
> Enjoy!!!!!

“Hey.”

Moz stops wiping the counter to face the very familiar customer trying to get his attention. “What can I get ya?”

“Look umm… my name’s Mickey. I was here yesterday and there was this guy.” He thumbs his nose nervously. “Tall redhead, you were chatting it up like he's a regular?”

“Okay…” Moz replies, already aware where this is going.

The guy raises impressive, impatient eyebrows and Moz almost smirks. “So is he?”

“Why?”

Moz waits the guy out. He look like he would render Moz unconscious with one punch, but the bartender hasn’t had much entertainment this week and this is pretty entertaining. Mickey ducks his head and takes a deep breath, and Moz can tell he has crossed the line to irritated. When he glances back up again, it’s to narrow his eyes at Moz.

“You fucking with me?”

Moz finally cracks a smile. “His name is Ian, and yes he's a regular.”

Mickey flips him off and the bartender sees his knuckles are tattooed. “Was that so fucking hard?”

Moz laughs as the man walks out of the bar. Ian swore off men, which is the only reason he was forthcoming with the information. The guy is in for a hard time because Ian has a dating phobia. Moz has no clue why, but Ian doesn’t date. And while he may be straight, he thinks Mickey is fairly attractive, he supposes. Ian always sits by the counter so he can't wait to see how this plays out.

Suddenly weekend entertainment is looking up.

.

Mickey knocks into a guy entering the bar unapologetically. When the guy stops Mickey does too. “What? Got a problem?”

And even though the guy is taller and wider he just shakes his head and walks into the bar. Mickey spits and walks away. Fuck that fucking bartender, ruining his mood at 11:00 o'clock in the morning.  Doesn’t matter anyway, he’ll be back today in case Ian pops up again.

.

 _Tuesday_.

Ian drains his final beer and waves Moz goodbye before standing to pull his jacket on. It’s a little chilly outside and looks like it might rain tonight. He's just walked out the door when he hears someone clear his throat. Ian turns to look and he finds himself smiling before quickly schooling his face into a neutral expression.

Mickey, he remembers because how can he not? Is leaning on the wall, wearing this black jacket and black jeans and smoke is coming out of his nose in this really sexy way that has Ian's dick twitching.

“Hey fire crotch.”

Ian laughs. “Really?”

Mickey shrugs. “You trying to tell me you're not a natural redhead?”

Ian puts both hands in his jacket pockets then walks towards the other man. “Well, my name is Ian not fire crotch.” He gestures for Mickey to pass him the stick which he does.

“Leaving so early? Or is your stove on again?” Ian raises a confused eyebrow. “I figured that’s why you ran out of here on Sunday. Like your house was on fire.”

Ian laughs again.

Mickey looks him up and down, before smirking at Ian in a way that leaves no interpretation. “Wanna go back inside? Keep me company?”

Ian shakes his head. “Can't. Got work tomorrow.”

Then he's walking backwards while still smiling at Mickey. “Hard to get's getting me hard fire crotch.”

The redhead just laughs and turns around. His heart flattering, he heads home with a smile that refuses to leave his face.

.

_Thursday._

“Hey pretty boy, been a while.”

Ian who was aware Mickey was about to seat next to him grins. Moz had whispered; _your crush is on his way here_ so Ian had been expecting him.

“You don’t give up easily do you?” he turns to look at Mickey. Ian shakes his head because how does the guy look better every time he sees him?

“If I gave up easily I wouldn’t be where I'm at right now pretty boy.”

“Don’ call me that.” Ian tells Mickey off even as he feels his face getting warm.

“Why? You _are_ a sight for sore eyes.”

“How come I've never seen you before?” Ian inquires.

Mickey shrugs then takes a sip of his drink. God, even _that’s_ sexy. “Didn’t have a reason to come back here before.”

Ian scoffs. “And now you do?”

Mickey just raises a suggestive eyebrow then directs his eyes towards Ian's crotch. The taller man laughs then gets up. “Moz, bill.”

Moz just nods towards Mickey. “Covered.”

Ian glances at Mickey in thought. “Thanks.” He says then walks away.

Mickey turns in his stool to watch the sexiest guy he's ever seen walk away from him. Again. He then turns to look at Moz. “What's his deal? He married or sum’n?” Moz just shrugs. “Like fuck you don’t know.”

Moz laughs. “Can I get you anything else?”

“Him.”

Moz laughs, loudly, clearly amused by Mickey before walking away to tend to other customers.  

Mickey sighs into his drink. He _will_ get Ian. Come hell or high water.

.

 _Friday_.

Ian walks into the bar to find Mickey already by the counter. He's got a bottle of Heineken in hand and is texting while flipping Moz off at the same time. Moz just laughs him off and walks away, as if used to Mickey throwing his middle finger at him.

“You're in my seat.” Ian says behind Mickey.

The brunet turns to look at him with a smirk. “You can always sit on my lap.”

Like his response to most of what Mickey says, Ian just laughs and takes the stool next to the other man. He smells amazing. What is Ian going to do? Mickey doesn’t look like he's any close to giving up. And the more Mickey keeps flirting and seeking him out, the more Ian likes him. He's so charming and so funny and sometimes when Mickey looks at him Ian can't tell if its only sex he's after.

It keeps the redhead up at night. On the one hand, he really wants to fuck Mickey. On the other hand, he really wants to date Mickey. It’s a dilemma and Ian fucking hates dilemmas.

Should he risk getting his heart broken, or should he completely shut down Mickey's advances?

.

_One Week Later_

“What, what is it? Why do you keep…?” Mickey takes a breath. “I'm I not your type?”

Their conversation is taking a serious direction today. Ian knew it was only a matter of time. Even a persistent guy like Mickey has to have his limit.

“What? No. You are _exactly_ my type. You are hot as all fuck, and your height, God, I die every time I see how short you are compared to me.”

Mickey smiles, but it dies when he realizes there's a; “But?” he prompts. “You in a relationship? That it?”

Ian pauses. “Yes.” he sighs. “And I'm afraid you'll make me cheat so… I can't.”

“Oh. Okay then.” Mickey tears down the label of his beer bottle, disappointed. “That makes sense I guess.” then he's standing and walking away. “See you around.”

Ian exhales loudly once Mickey’s gone. “That was close.”

He was very close to giving in.

Mickey's resilience had him thinking maybe he _should_ take a chance on the guy. That even though at some point Mickey will inevitably leave him because of his sickness, maybe Ian could make the most out of their time together. Bad boys like Mickey are the ones that surprise you when they end up being the relationship type.

“Think he’ll stop now?” Moz asks.

Ian shrugs. “Looks like it.”

“He does seem like a nice guy.” Moz encourages him.

Ian just shrugs again.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

 

Mickey just got home and is changing into more comfortable clothes. He then microwaves last night’s leftovers and sits down to eat. His mind automatically goes to Ian like he's want to do these days. The redhead lied to him yesterday, he just knows it. The way he had added that he's worried Mickey will make him cheat had seemed like such an afterthought.

But the question is, why? Its clear Ian is attracted to him, he's caught glances of the redhead looking when he thinks Mickey can't see him. Has seen the way the redhead smiles at him. He's definitely interested so why won't he say yes to Mickey's advances?

Has he been scorned in the past? Ian looks like the relationship type and maybe a heartbreak is what's making him have reservations about Mickey? It’s a possibility.

He sighs into his plate. What’s he supposed to do now? He really had his eyes set on Ian. He wants him, still does. He's at that point where he wouldn’t have cared if Ian really was seeing someone. That’s how much he likes him. It been just a few weeks but Mickey’s chest already feels tight at the thought of not having Ian as his own.

Fuck it. He decides. He's going back to the bar tonight. And he’s going to convince Ian that they _should_ be together.

.

Ian is sipping on a glass of passion juice laced with a little vodka (his only one for the night according to Moz) his thoughts with Mickey. He hasn’t been able to stop thinking about him. Not since he pushed the other man away yesterday, he's been the only thing on Ian's mind. The way he carries himself, the way he talks, the way he looks. He is 100% Ian's type and the redhead might just be going crazy about missing out on him.

Mickey could be what he's been looking for, could be the man that will love Ian no matter what. Or… or he could be just like Max and those before him who will run at the first sight of an episode. But… Ian really wants Mickey. No one has ever left an impression on him like this before.

Maybe all he needs is a sign that he should take a chance on Mickey.

“I've been thinking.”

“Oh my God!” Ian touches his chest, glaring at Mickey. “Warn a guy.” The brunet laughs and Ian gets a little mesmerized. “What have you been thinking?” he inquires.

Mickey takes the next bar stool. “I've been thinking about it…. About you. And I don’t care.”

“Care about what?”

“That you're seeing someone.” Mickey clears up and Ian raises an interested eyebrow. “I could wait for you to break up with him, you know, because he's not me.” He says. “But I'm not known for my patience.”

Ian laughs. “Cocky much?” Mickey ducks his head and smiles shyly, which Ian finds pretty interesting. “You always this persistent?”

Mickey looks him right in the eye. “When a guy I've never even kissed gets under my skin, yes.”

Ian narrows his eyes at him and decides, fuck it. He deserves happiness. Besides, all he has to do is keep the fact that he's sick from Mickey. He will need to take extra care of himself. He will have to ensure that Mickey never even gets a hint of what's wrong with him. It will be a lot of work, and it will take a lot of effort, but even though like Mickey said, they haven’t kissed, Ian thinks he's worth it. No one has ever worked his hard to get Ian before. Usually when he turns guys down, they get the message. This has to be more than just sex to Mickey. And Ian… Ian can't help but believe in that. Can't help but want to take a chance on it.

“I lied.” He confesses. “I don’t have a boyfriend.

Mickey looks away and nods. “I figured. Hey can I get a beer?” Moz pushes over a cold one and Mickey nods in thanks. “What I don’t know is why.” He says. “If you like me back.”

Ian sighs. “Honestly?”

“Please.”

“I haven’t had much luck in relationships.” He says. “I'm afraid of getting hurt.” He adds quietly.

“What if I promise not to?” Mickey asks just as softly.

“You can't promise that.” Ian shakes his head with a light, sad chuckle.

“I can if I mean it.”

Ian takes a deep breath. His exes didn’t think they would ever hurt him either.

“Okay how about this,” Mickey places a hand on his thigh and Ian looks at it. “How about we just take it one day at a time, huh?”

Ian likes the sound of that. He really does. “Okay.”

Mickey grins at him and Ian just wants more of that. Please. “Okay then. Moz, get Ian another one of these?” he asks gesturing towards Ian's drink.

Ian's heart skips a beat, worried that Moz might give something away, but before Ian can say anything to make Mickey suspicious Moz just winks at him. “Sure thing Mickey.”

When he just places another glass of juice on the counter, Ian know it’s vodkaless. He has never been more grateful to the bartender for not saying anything. Then again Ian shouldn’t be so surprised, if anyone understands how private bipolar is, it’s Moz.

“You alright?” Mickey asks.

Ian clears his throat. “Yeah, yes. Thanks for the drink.”

“You're welcome. Just gonna go the bathroom real quick.”

Ian nods. “Okay.” Once Mickey's gone, Ian turns to Moz. “Thanks.”

“No problem. Isn’t my secret to tell.”

Ian just smiles at him gratefully before finishing his drink and starting on his new one. Mickey doesn't take long before coming back. “Wanna move to a table?” Ian has always sat by the counter and sitting at a table makes him feel like this is his first time here. Mickey laughs. “Is this weird for you?”

Ian laughs too. “Yeah. But I'm with you now so that’s alright.”

 _I'm with you now_. Mickey likes the sound of that. The first step –convincing Ian to give them a chance- is out of the way. He feels something for Ian and once the redhead starts returning his affections, that will be the day.

The two of them sit there drinking and laughing, and the more time passes the more Ian likes the guy. Mickey is really, nice. And if Ian wasn’t so worried about dating he would be the perfect boyfriend. And it seems things are headed that way. Ian finds he doesn’t mind.

And when Mickey laughs and reaches across the table to take Ian's hand, the redhead decides he is going date him. He will accept all of Mickey's advances and he will woo him back. He just won't tell him about bipolar. He still has some major trust issues about that so he will keep that part of himself a secret, even if it is a huge part of himself. Maybe this way he can be happy, even if just for a while before things inevitably plummet.

He really likes Mickey and can picture a future with him. It’s better if he doesn’t divulge, lest he loses Mickey like he lost all the other men before him.

He turns his hand and holds Mickey back. Giving him a soft smile, he licks his lips. “Wanna go out on a date?”

Mickey gives him a dimpled smile in return and Ian can already feel himself falling.


	5. Chapter 5

_March_.

 

Ian picks Mickey up and Mickey can't help but laugh when he sees the redhead leaning on his car outside the building, waiting for him.  “Picking me up for our date, really?”

Ian nods, sizing Mickey appreciatively. “The more time spent with you, the better.”

Pulling his left hand from behind his back, he gives Mickey a single white rose. Mickey laughs again, taking the offered flower. “So this is you once you stop playing hard to get?”

“Yep.”

“The fuck am I supposed to do with this?” Ian shrugs and turns around. “I draw the line at opening the car door.”

Ian chuckles and aborts said action. He then goes ahead and gets on the driver’s seat. “So what's your idea of a good time?” he asks.

“I do like my beer.”

“Uhuh.”

“So anything that involves that I'm good.”

Ian smiles at him then switches on the ignition and starts driving. “Okay so Nate is a friend of mine, and he’s big on liquor.” Ian tells Mickey as they walk into some kind of distillery. “But today, the invite is for a new beer he seems to be really proud of.”

Mickey nods, impressed. “This date is already starting to look up.”

Ian smiles, internally pleased. “Glad to hear it.”

Mickey thought he would only enjoy the drinking part but he's so surprised to find the tour itself to be pretty captivating. He is a big fan of alcohol but once he purchases it, drinks it, then passes out, that’s it. He has never cared before about how it is made, what process that entails, none of that. It has never even occurred to him to do research. The most he's ever looked up is _where_ what he's drinking comes from but that’s it. So to watch and have someone explain to them step by step… Mickey is having a great time. He idly wonders if Ian had this in mind when he asked Mickey where he wanted to go on a date.

Finally, the guests get seated and served the beer. Mickey meets Nate the owner, he's young, their age. He isn’t too surprised. And then its drinking time.

Ian can see that Mickey is having a good time and he doesn’t want to ruin it. So he drinks his beers extremely slowly since he knows his limit, and tries to be as subtle as possible. For every four beers Mickey takes, Ian drinks one. He has never had to do something like this before, never had to work as hard to prevent his date from finding out the truth. His exes knew from the beginning because Ian always thought coming clean from the get go was the way to go. And look how that turned out.

So this… this may be a bitch now but he’ll get used to it. Besides, it’s easy to get lost in Mickey's eyes, and Mickey's lips, and Mickey's voice and Mickey's everything. So even when he forgets to drink sometimes, it’s more because he's mesmerized and less because he's trying to slow down.

“Your brother sounds like a real treat.” Ian comments after Mickey tells him about another crazy thing his brother Iggy did.

“Yeah. His stupidity makes him pretty hilarious.”

“You're funny too.” Ian compliments. “Very funny in fact.”

“Fuck off with that shit.”

“No, it’s the truth.”

Mickey just ducks his head shyly before reaching for another beer. Ian knows he's on beer number two but he's lost count on how far along Mickey is. If Mickey wasn’t having a good time –thank God he is- he would have picked up on the fact that Ian isn’t keeping up. But damn, the man has strong tolerance for alcohol.

“So if I asked for another date, would you say yes?” Ian asks when they get back in the car, after deciding they’ve had enough.

Mickey smirks at him, his eyes seemingly smaller. It makes Ian chuckle. “Just no fucking flowers.”

“Got it.”

Ian licks his lips, smiling shyly.

“God you're adorable. C’mere.”

Before Ian can even blush harder for being called adorable or before he can even catch up on what's happening, Mickey's hand is behind his neck and the brunet is pulling him closer and smashing their lips together. Ian although taken by surprise, catches up real quick and he's pulling Mickey even closer by his waist, as the kiss deepens. The taste of beer is heavy on Mickey's tongue but good God does he taste fucking amazing. If Ian was gone on the guy before, that feeling just intensified. He pulls back and they gaze into each other’s eyes, Mickey looking drunker than he was before, then they're going back in.

Ian moans when Mickey pushes his tongue inside his mouth. The redhead doesn’t hesitate to suck on it and feel it against his own tongue. Its Mickey's turn to moan.

When they both pull back and put distance between them, their faces look flushed, their lips are swollen and they're both breathing heavily.

“Well, I'd say that was one successful first date, wouldn’t you?”

“Fuck yeah.” Mickey replies, licking his lips and chasing the taste of Ian.

He wants to do that again, and again and wants to do so much more. Wants to show Ian that he can drive him crazy with more than just kissing.

.

 

Mickey invites Ian to his place the next day. The redhead has been excited since he got into the elevator. Being invited to Mickey's place brings all kinds of possibilities. But even if they end up doing nothing Ian doesn’t care. As long as he continues to spend more time with Mickey, that’s all that matters.

Turns out he shouldn’t have worried because as soon as the brunet has opened the door and Ian has closed it behind him, Mickey is on his knees and reaching for Ian's zip.

Okay, Ian did not see that coming.

“Been thinking about this since we kissed.” Mickey says, blue eyes blinking up at Ian, as he strokes the taller man to full hardness.

Ian hardens as soon as he pictures those full lips around his cock. Mickey is so unpredictable and Ian is here for all of it. “Motherfu...” he trails off when Mickey licks the head of his dick, slowly, teasingly before taking Ian into his mouth.

Mickey seems determined as he sucks on Ian's cock expertly, making the redhead have to bite his lip to keep from crying out. Ian's hips uncontrollably buck forwards but Mickey is quick to pin his hips back to the door, as he keeps sucking like Ian's cock has the secrets to getting to heaven.

“Oh God.”

The redhead can only lean against the door with his eyes shut and take it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh. would you look at that... maybe i tagged this wrong and there'll be no angst at all.


	6. Chapter 6

_April._

 

Mickey laughs loudly, as he continues holding the remote under him, out of Ian's reach. The redhead who is lying on top of him from behind, tries to reach for the gadget.

“We are not watching this Mickey!” Ian yells and pinches Mickey's nipples where his hands are.

The brunet yells. “Stop that!”

Ian doesn’t, but instead pulls on the soft nubs again. Mickey retaliates by pushing his ass back, so he can rub against Ian's crotch. Ian groans. “You stop that.”

Mickey hums. “You know what we could be doing instead of fighting for the remote?”

And then both men are shuffling to straighten up and get out of their clothes. Ian finishes first and he straddles Mickey, pulling the other man in for a bruising kiss. Mickey cups his ass cheeks, squeezes and parts them to rub his fingers across Ian's dry crack. The redhead bites on Mickey's bottom lip, hard.

“Fu…” Mickey is about to curse Ian out for the painful gesture, but the rest gets swallowed by Ian when the taller man kisses him again.

Soon Ian is getting off the couch and taking Mickey with him, before leading the way to Mickey's bedroom. The shorter man kneels on the bed, exposing his naked ass to Ian who curses and momentarily forgets what he's supposed to be doing.

“Ian!”

“Right.”

Ian reaches into Mickey's drawer, pulling out lube bottle number… Ian lost count because ever since Mickey initiated sex they’ve fucked every single day. That’s not even an exaggeration. After work either man will text the other and then show up at their place if they're around. Ian has forgotten how great regular sex is. Combine that with a man as good in bed as Mickey is, add that to the glorious ass the man carries and your life is perfect.

When Mickey starts to wiggle impatiently and fucking back into Ian's fingers like he usually does, the redhead knows he's ready. He pulls his fingers out, spreads the rest of the lube on his cock, plants himself behind Mickey, and slowly slides in.

Both men let out simultaneous sounds of satisfaction when pleasure courses through their bodies.

“Your cock Ian.” Mickey moans once the redhead starts moving. “Your fucking cock.”

Ian smirks and grabs Mickey's waist. “What about my cock?”

“Fucking love your cock.”

“Lemme remind you why.” Ian says before he starts drilling into the other man.

Mickey can only cry out loudly, grab onto the headboard and take it.

.

 

_May_.

 

“What are we?”

Mickey is lying on Ian’s couch caressing Ian's hair, while the latter sits on the carpet eating ice cream as they watch _The Expendables 2_. It has been quiet since the movie started and Mickey thought that was because they’ve been immersed in the movie but turns out Ian's been thinking.

He sits up and pauses the TV. Ian doesn’t look at him. “What?”

Ian shrugs. “I mean we see each other every day, we have unprotected sex, we sleep over at each other places, I'm not fucking anyone else, I mean are you?”

“No.”

“And we’ve been going out together a lot since our first date. So I was just wondering what we are.” Ian finishes. “That’s all.”

“I thought we were dating.” Mickey replies honestly.

Ian puts the ice cream down and turns around. He places his arms on the couch seat and lays his head on them so they're face to face. “We are?”

Mickey caresses Ian's face. “’Course we are.”

Ian smiles. “Good. Because I met with my brother the other day and I said I had a boyfriend. So I just wanted confirmation.”

Mickey closes his eyes and touches their lips together gently. “Okay boyfriend. Wanna finish the movie?”

“Can we start it? My mind was all over the place trying to gather the courage to ask that question.”

Mickey glares at him. “Are you for fucking real? We are fourty minutes in!”

“Well it’s your fault for deciding we’re boyfriends and not telling me.”

“Oh my God.” Mickey directs an eye roll towards the ceiling.

Ian restarts the movie then gets on the couch behind Mickey. He puts a hand in the other man’s sweats and holds his dick. Mickey waits for Ian to do something but his hand doesn’t move, just grabs Mickey's dick as the movie starts.

Mickey isn’t even surprised. “Fucking weirdo.”

“Your fucking weirdo _boyfriend_.” Ian chuckles.

“I change my mind.”

“Too late. No take backs.”

 

.

 

 _ June _ _._

 

Ian scrolls through image after image on his phone. Mickey smoking a post coital cigarette and flipping off the camera with Ian lying on his chest.  
An image of Mickey's backside as he makes them dinner in Ian's kitchen.  
One of Ian's hand inside Mickey's boxers. He chuckles at that one because Mickey had been just about to fall asleep, an amused smile on his lips. Whether or not he finds Ian's behavior of grabbing onto his junk for no particular reason peculiar, he has never voiced that. Instead he just shakes his head but otherwise encourages it

Ian just likes grabbing onto Mickey's dick and balls and reminding himself that they're his now. That Mickey is his boyfriend and only Ian gets to have him like that.

Then there's a photo of them at the park looking very sweaty, the one and only time Mickey had joined him for a run. Ian had taken that to tease Mickey and commemorate the day his boyfriend couldn’t even jog a mile. _The only time you'll see me running is to get away from the fucking cops Ian._ Ian smiles dopily, his heart clenching at how far they’ve come in just four months. Ian is the happiest he's ever been.

And to think he almost didn’t give Mickey a chance. To think he almost gave this up.

He clutches his phone to his chest and smiles. Ian looks down at the man sleeping on his lap. They were watching a cooking show and his boyfriend fell asleep two minutes in. Ian touches the soft black hair and his heart clenches. As he watches Mickey sleep peacefully his face clear of any frowns, something occurs to the redhead; He loves Mickey.

He's _in love_ with Mickey.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, listen. U can relax. Stop thinking 'this is it. I see it coming' He he heee  
> It probably might not even be that bad. I probably exaggerated in the tags just to be safe. Ya know? 
> 
> ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°

_ July _

Ian is in the grocery store since his fridge is empty and he needs Mickey to find some of his favourite things when he comes over. What kind of boyfriend would Ian be if he didn’t stock up his fridge with Mickey's favourite food?

He is so happy. He is just so fucking happy sometimes he can’t even describe it. He is happier like he never was in any of his past relationships. Mickey looks like a hardass on the outside but he brings out this child-like behaviour out of Ian and they have the best fun. It’s been a while since he chased someone around the house like they were kids, or had a flour fight in the middle of the kitchen. It just feels so good to be with Mickey. Ian might be hiding his pills and may be taking them in secret, but he doesn’t even feel bad about it because he is the happiest he's ever been. So it’s all worth it. Besides, the fact that they don’t live together makes keeping the secret easier.

Now he's shopping so he can cook the man he loves dinner. He hasn’t said it yet but he loves Mickey. He hasn’t found the right time to let the other man know and he doesn’t know if 4 months is too soon so he hasn’t confessed yet. But it doesn’t matter because things between them have never been better.

“Ian?” the redhead freezes. “Ian is that you?”

6 years have passed but Ian can never forget that voice.

_I love you Ian._ _I really fucking do but dating you shouldn’t be so damn hard_

“Oh my God, I can’t believe it!” Ian doesn’t turn around so Max comes to stand in front of him. “Wow.” His ex takes him in, nodding to himself.

In bites on his lower lip then releases it, then bites it again. He can feel himself starting to shake. It’s been years, but seeing Max again is upsetting him. He shouldn’t be here, he shouldn’t be talking to him.

“Hi.” Ian replies.

“You look amazing.” Max continues.

_I tried Ian, I’m sorry._

Ian swallows. All the breakups he's ever been through replay in his mind, every hurt he felt each time slashes across his chest. Why is Max talking to him? It’s been six years, why is he running into him now? Ian was fine, Ian would have loved to have gone to his grave without running into any of these men who left him because he was too much to handle. That sought of thing gives a guy insecurities, it does something to a person’s self-esteem. It _ruins_ a person’s trust in other people and now Ian can’t tell the man he loves he's got bipolar disorder.

Ian trusted Max and the guy betrayed him. The last thing he wants to do is talk to him. He needs to get the fuck out of here.

“Th…thanks.” He stammers out. “I have to go.”

Max grabs onto his hand to stop him and Ian fidgets, hard. Max immediately lets go of him. “Ian…”

How dare he look at Ian like he's concerned? How dare he act like he cares? Now? “What do you want?!” Ian snaps. Max startles. “You don’t care! So leave me the fuck alone!”

He drops his basket with all his things and hurriedly leaves the store, bumping into people in his haste to disappear. He doesn’t stop running until he's by his car in the parking lot. Ian bends, grabs his knees and breathes deeply, taking huge gulps of air and trying to calm himself.

All this time he never, never, not even for a second ever thought about what would happen if he ever ran into any of his exes. This in hindsight was very stupid of him considering he still lives in Chicago. After what seems like hours, Ian finally calms down and straightens up. He rubs a hand across his face and looks around, trying to make sure that no one is looking at him like he's crazy. Which he is, but still.

Ian closes his eyes and gets back in the car. He's just going to head home now. He needs to be by himself, away from people and away from everything.

 

.

Mickey just had a shitty day and is now exhausted. All he wants is his boyfriend and traffic is being a fucking bitch. Sending a quick text, he discovers that Ian is home making them dinner so he changes course and heads over to Ian's. Using his key, he unlocks the door and smiles at the thought of seeing the redhead. They had exchanged keys the same day they’d defined their relationship. They're on their fifth month now, and Mickey doesn’t know if they're moving fast or not since he's never been in a relationship before, all he knows is that he’s happy. He's happier than he's ever been or ever pictured himself being.

He didn’t think that a day would come when he would look forward to getting home and finding another man waiting for him. Never thought a time would come where his bed would feel empty without a certain redhead sleeping next to him.

His life has changed drastically considering just a few months ago he was hitting and quitting, but Mickey isn’t complaining. If anything a life with Ian brings him nothing but contentment. Four months in and he wants to move in with redhead.

What is happening to him?

Mickey is starting to think he is at that place where he can use the L word when it comes to Ian. The thought doesn’t even bother him despite this being the first time he's ever had this train of thought.

When Mickey walks in, he's surprised to hear how loud music is playing. Looking around, his boyfriend is nowhere in sight. He walks into the kitchen and its sparkling clean, not a dirty pan, not a spoon out of place. It doesn’t look at all like a person’s been cooking here.

“Ian!” he calls and gets no answer so he goes room to room. Ian isn’t in the bedroom so that leaves the bathroom.

Mickey blinks severally when he finds Ian on his knees scrubbing the floor. Who scrubs the bathroom floor? Shouldn’t it already be clean?

“Ian!”

The redhead startles so hard he falls over. “Jesus Mickey! I should get you a bell.” He chuckles.

Mickey wants to laugh with him, but Ian's eyes are unusually red like he’s been crying even though he doesn’t seem sad, and he looks… something’s off. He doesn’t feel like shouting however so he heads back to the living room to turn down the volume. He ends up switching off the music all together.

Somehow he expected Ian to have followed him out here but his boyfriend is still in the bathroom. Ian is now scrubbing the wall. And come to think of it, the entire house seems spotless. Mickey has been seeing Ian for four months and the guy has never been this committed to cleanliness.

“Ian.”

“Mickey.” Ian greets him like this is the first time Mickey is talking to him. He stands up, wipes off his soapy hands and touches Mickey's cheeks before looking into his eyes. “Mickey.” He says much more softly and fond. The green eyes look a little unfocused but before Mickey can dwell too much into that Ian is kissing him. It’s hard, rough, desperate and Mickey is getting roughly pushed against the wall.

The shorter man breaks the kiss by placing a hand on Ian's chest. “Cleaning, huh?”

“Yeah.” Ian replies quickly before trying to dive in for another kiss.

Mickey stops him. Again. “What happened to dinner?”

Ian frowns, confused. “Dinner?”

“Yeah…” Mickey narrows his eyes at a fidgety Ian. “You texted saying you were cooking?”

Ian looks like he's trying to remember. Then he smiles down at Mickey and initiates another make out even more brutal than the first one. Mickey moans when the redhead rubs their crotches together.

“Fuck now, food later.”

Ian whisper-growls before kissing Mickey again.

The brunet just closes his eyes, throws his hands around Ian's neck and allows himself to be undressed and guided towards the bedroom at the same time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *scratches the back of the neck smiling sheepishly*


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was supposed to post this last night but was too sleepy. sowy

Mickey gets _thrown_ –fuck yes- on top of the bed with the clean smelling sheets and he curses in anticipation. Ian grabs his trouser and pulls it off together with the underwear roughly. He has no idea what has gotten into his boyfriend but he is not complaining.

“Turn around.” It’s not a request and Mickey immediately does as told, his dick already as hard as a rock.

Ian lands a hard smack on his ass and Mickey cries out in surprise and pleasure. He doesn’t need to ask for another because Ian does the same to his other cheek. “Mmm.” Mickey grunts. There are a couple more spanks until Mickey's pretty sure his ass is red now.

Ian rubs his ass cheeks in circles, then one hand is gone and when it comes back its cold and slippery. At first Ian rubs his sleek finger around Mickey's rim, teasingly. He's breathing loudly and when Mickey turns back he finds the redhead watching his actions keenly. The redhead catches his eye and he smirks.

“About to make you feel real good Mick.”

“Fuck yeah.”

And with that, one finger slides inside him. Mickey shudders, shuts his eyes and lets out a happy sigh. Ian fingers him with that one finger for a few seconds then adds two more. He then holds onto Mickey's waist and continues to thrust his wet fingers into him, only this time harder and rougher.

“Fu-fuck Ian!”

“I’m gonna turn you the fuck out Mickey! You will never find anyone who will fuck you like I can.” He growls. But before Mickey can make a joke about the cockiness, Ian's dick is breaching his entrance and keeps going till he's bottomed out. The taller man then grabs Mickey by his hair and pulls him backwards. He then whispers in Mickey's ear; “You hear me?” he punctuates that by thrusting once and Mickey can only nod wordlessly. “Do,” thrust. “you.” Thrust. “hear.” Thrust. “Me!”

“Yes! Fuck, fuck yes Ian!”

Then Ian pushes him away till Mickey is supporting himself with his hands again. The redhead’s nails are digging deep into his waist but the pleasure being handed to him counteracts that pain. Ian isn’t moaning or cursing like usual, he's just grunting in determination, like his aim is just to please Mickey. The bed keeps hitting the wall due to Ian's fast, hard thrusts.

“No one can satisfy you like this Mickey!” he’s saying as he continues with the pounding. “NO ONE!”

Mickey is a moaning mess at this point, his words getting mingled as he alternates between calling out Ian's name and cursing and voicing how amazing this fuck feels. Mickey's arms give out and he turns his head, his hands reaching back to touch Ian's thighs. _“Fuck.”_

Ian's breathing hikes and he starts to let out loud sighs so Mickey can tell he's close. Which is great because Mickey is about to nut too. Ian chooses that moment to press relentlessly on his prostate. He then lifts Mickey up by pulling on his waist so his hand can snake around and jerk him off.

Mickey grabs the back of Ian's head and pulls him down for a kiss. It’s hard and bruising and when Ian bites hard on his bottom lip Mickey cums so hard all his strength leaves him. He drops back down on the bed and only realises Ian came too when he feels cum oozing out of him.

“Oh my God.” Mickey breathes, then lies on Ian's chest looking up at him. The redhead is grinning down at him caressing his hair. “What the hell was that?”

“You liked?”

“I loved.” Mickey says even as he licks his bloody? lip. Jesus.

Ian laughs then straddles him. He caresses Mickey's side then touches their lips together. Mickey smiles and his cut gets Ian's attention. “Sorry.”

Mickey shakes his head, running a hand down Ian's hair. “S’okay.”

Ian licks his cut and Mickey moans. He then slots their lips together for a soft kiss and Mickey pulls him closer, surprised to find Ian hard. “Already?”

Ian diverts his glance to his cock then directs his attention back to Mickey's neck. “What can I say? My boyfriend turns me on.”

Mickey chuckles and opens his legs apart wider, letting his boyfriend in. Ian doesn’t stop nibbling on his neck as he slides back in for the second time. Mickey sighs with a smile and holds him, his dick already rising for round two.

.

 

Mickey draws the line at round number five, because he's sore and tired and could use a break. He however looks at Ian who doesn’t look like he's even ready to quit.

“What the fuck did you do? Take Viagra?”

Ian laughs but lies back down, picking up on Mickey's exhaustion. He turns Mickey's head so he can kiss him as he jerks himself off.

The brunet looks down at Ian's hard dick and decides to give him a hand. Ian buries his head in Mickey's neck and breathes in heavily as Mickey helps him reach orgasm number 6.  

.

 

When Mickey wakes up he's in bed alone and Ian's side is cold meaning he's been up for a while. This comes as a surprise to him since they didn’t sleep until 3:00 last night. Walking into the kitchen, he finds like 50 pancakes on the counter.

“You’re awake!” Ian exclaims all chipper then kisses his cheek and guides him to the kitchen table. He proceeds to place the pancakes, coffee and syrup in front of him.

“Are you expecting guests?” Mickey enquires, still baffled.

“No, just you. Wanted to make sure you didn’t go to work on an empty stomach.”

Mickey glances at the mountain of pancakes. He doesn’t mention that as much as he does love pancakes he is just one man and cant consume all this. “Ian, are you alright?”

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“The cleaning, the continuous sex, the cooking, the not sleeping.”

“I'm just having a great day Mick, it’s not biggie.”  

“Hey, I'm not complaining.” Mickey grabs Ian's hand and pulls him down for a peck. “I'm just trying to point out that this has never happened before so I'm just trying to make sure…”

Ian kisses him again. “I'm fine. I promise.”

They look at each other, neither man breaking the gaze. Mickey finally nods once then turns back to his breakfast. Ian doesn’t sit with him however but instead cleans up the dishes he used. Mickey wants to ask again if he's sure he's okay. Wants to know if he's going to work. Mickey feels like he's missing something. But Ian keeps insisting he's fine so there’s not much Mickey can do about it but wait for his boyfriend to open up.

Ian watches Mickey from the corner of his eye. He can see the wheels spinning in his head.

After he's done he slowly stands up and gets in front of Ian. Ian looks back at him with a gentle smile. His boyfriend reaches up and touches his cheek, his thumb rubbing at it softly. Ian closes his eyes and lets out a shuddering breath. When he opens them Mickey is watching him intently.

“You trust me?”

“Of course.”

“So you’d tell me if something’s going on, right?”

Ian glances away then looks back at Mickey. He wants to. God, how he wants to. He wants to open his mouth and tell him everything. He really fucking wants to. But his mind goes back to meeting Max yesterday which just… he loves Mickey. He loves him so fucking much. Ian thinks he will permanently break if he loses him. So he sniffs and nods and then;

“Of course.”

Mickey smiles at him then nods too. He then gets on his toes to give Ian a short, chaste, sweet kiss.  “I love you.”

Ian chokes on his next words and pulls Mickey in for a tight hug. Mickey loves him back and Ian feels so emotional right now.

The sudden hug takes Mickey by surprise but he just holds Ian back, rubbing his back comfortingly. When they pull back Ian's eyes are red rimmed. “Mickey…”

“I have to go to work.” Mickey interrupts. He's a little overwhelmed because he hadn’t expected to say I love you first leave alone say it at all. But Ian looked like he needed to hear it and it had just slipped because its true. Now he needs to leave so Ian doesn’t feel obligated to say it back. “I’ll see you later okay? Will come straight here when I get off.” For some reason he feels like he needs to be here for Ian.

Ian nods at him with a soft smile.

Once Mickey's left for work, Ian takes a deep, needed breath. He then pulls his phone out and calls Lip. His brother answers after the first ring.

“Sup bro.”

“Lip. I need your help.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to Jessica92 for the help with BP this chapter and the last one. thanks sweetie!! ❤️❤️
> 
> hope u guys are enjoying! have a good dai!!!


	9. Chapter 9

Mickey is on his lunch break at work when he gets a text from his boyfriend. He frowns, a little thrown by the content, but it occurs to him this isn’t the weirdest thing Ian has done in two days.

According to Ian it’s been a while since he spent any time with his family, and his job gave him a week off so that’s where he's choosing to be for the duration of that time. It stings a little that the redhead won’t be spending _any_ of those days with him. He did just confess he loves Ian and he really hopes that didn’t scare his boyfriend off.

He also hopes Ian loves him back or at the least feels for him deeply.

Ian does call him twice after that and for an hour before bed so Mickey sleeps without any heaviness in his heart. He's been extra close with his own family since his dad died so he understands the need to spend time with those you love.

.

 

Ian is just grateful that he has stuck to his meds for all this years otherwise the last two days would have been a fucking disaster. Plus, now he catches when shit is going downhill and he can do the necessary immediately. He's certainly getting the hang of hiding this from Mickey.

His doctor gave him some good downers and tweaked his dosage, so now he just needs a few days to recuperate.

He's at Lip’s apartment, hiding away from his boyfriend. For the first time he's grateful they don’t live together, even though that’s all he's wanted for months. If they lived together it would have been much harder to take off suddenly. But they aren’t at that part yet where everything he does is answerable to Mickey or vice versa.

He does feel pretty bad however that he took off just after Mickey had told him he loves him. Ian will have to do something grand to make up for that and more importantly, say it back.

“Whatchu doing?” Lip drops on the couch next to him.

“Texting Mickey.”

“Aah.” Lip uncaps his beer and takes a sip before handing it to Ian.

The redhead shakes his head. “Not yet.”

“So this Mickey,” Lip starts. “it seems serious.”

“It is.” Ian smiles. “I know it’s only been five months but Lip the way I feel…” he trails off.

Lip smiles. “I'm happy for you Ian. But he still doesn’t know?” Ian shakes his head no. “Where does he think you are?”

“Spending time with family.” Lip raises an eyebrow. “What? It’s true. You’re family.”

Lip sighs. “Look Ian, I'm on board with you getting a boyfriend after all these years, believe me. I got sick of seeing you walk around all fucking lonely anyway. But don’t you think it’s better to just tell him the truth?”

“No.”

“Here’s how I see it, if he's a fucking asshole like those before him, the sooner you know the better, right?”

Ian looks at his brother. “You’re forgetting that finding out and accepting I was bipolar wasn’t the issue. Handling it was.” Ian tells Lip his expression painful. “They were like ‘its okay Ian, I love you.’ But then an episode would hit and they realised they got more than they bargained for.” He can’t take the sympathetic look on his brother’s face so he turns back to his phone. “Can’t do it Lip.”

“Ian it would be better to know now, before you’re in too deep.”

“Too late.” Ian answers honestly.

Lip lets out a resigned sigh before asking; “How did Mickey take it this time anyway?”

Ian shrugs. “He caught on that something was wrong but he was…” he chuckles. “he took it all in stride.” Lip opens his hands open wide like ‘then why haven’t you come clean?’ “I have never felt like this before Lip. Never.” Ian tells him earnestly. “I don’t want to lose him.” He voices softly. “I can’t risk it.”

Lip just runs a hand in his hair comfortingly before getting up. “I got you either way.”

Ian nods with a touched smile. “I know.”

 

.

 

When Mickey sees Ian again, he is completely back to his normal self. There’s no over enthusiasm, no over cooking, he's sleeping through the night and they haven’t  done the sex part yet, but Mickey bets he won’t want to go ten rounds in one night when they do. So maybe visiting his family is all Ian needed.

The following weekend Ian shows up at his place dressed neatly in a white dress shirt accompanied with black jeans. He looks like a dream and Mickey swallows. “Umm...” is all he can get out.

“Get dressed, we’re going out.”

“Okay.”

Mickey replies though a little baffled. He wonders what the special occasion is.

The taxi drops them off to a four star restaurant and Mickey turns to Ian with a raised eyebrow. Ian just chuckles, taking his hand. The shorter man looks at their joined hands then follows his boyfriend in.

“Reservations for Ian Gallagher?”

They're led to a table by the balcony so they're outside and have a view of the city. “Okay, I can’t not ask anymore.” Ian laughs. “Why are we here?”

Ian frowns at him then picks up the menu. “To have dinner of course.”

Mickey narrows his eyes at Ian. “No other reason, just dinner.”

A waiter shows up and takes their orders. Ian even orders a bottle of wine. Mickey is about to bring that up when;

“There’s nothing wrong with going out once in a while Mick.”

“And I would agree with you if we’ve done this before, which we haven’t. not even on our first date.”

“I just wanna do something nice for boyfriend! Is that so bad?”

Mickey licks his lips and takes a sip from the water glass. This might be Ian making it up to him for what happened last week and him leaving after. It might just be Ian treating his boyfriend –which Mickey doubts- but he can admit, it _is_ nice. To be out with Ian like this. Sure they go out occasionally, they’ve been dating for five months after all. When their food arrives, Ian smiles at him and nods towards Mickey's plate. Mickey opens his mouth to say something he forgets when Ian orders him to;

“Shut up and eat your food Mick.”

.

The dinner goes smoothly. Too smoothly if you ask Mickey. Ian  is trying extra hard to be a gentleman, even going as far as to refill Mickey's wine glass everytime. It’s pleasant and they chat idly about work and about Ian's visit to his family.

“Okay, you were right.” Ian admits when they are on their second bottle. Mickey thinks he's the only one drinking and the glass Ian is holding is his first, but he can't be sure because he is going way past tipsy now. He doesn’t take wine that often so he doesn’t have a high tolerance for it like beer and hard liquor. The waiter uncocks the wine and refills Mickey's glass while Ian shakes his head ‘no.’ “I did have ulterior motives for bringing you here.”

Mickey is frowning at Ian's glass. “Are you drinking?”

“Sure I am.”

“I haven’t seen you refill your glass.”

“I am drinking, Mickey. Do you wanna know why we’re here or not?” Ian quickly changes the subject.

Mickey blinks a few times before nodding. “Yeah! Yeah what’s up?”

Ian places his glass on the table and rubs his hands together. He takes a deep breath and Mickey sits up, sobering some.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, his heart skipping a beat even though it can't be bad after the wonderful time they just had.

“Last week during…” Ian waves his hand around and Mickey reads; _when I was acting weird and made 100 pancakes_. “you told me you love me and I never got a chance to say it back.”

Mickey blushes, a deep shade of red that goes all the way down his chest. Ian smiles at how adorable that is. He then downs his glass and pours himself another. He's nervous and Ian finds it even more endearing. “That? You don’t have to if you don’t…”

Ian takes his hand and Mickey shuts up. “I do though. I have since,” Ian chuckles. “since you wouldn’t give up on me no matter how much I pushed you away.”

Mickey's mouth falls open but no words come out. His tongue feels a little heavy. It must be the wine.

“I love you, Mickey Milkovich.” Ian confesses, his eyes tearing up. “So much.”

Mickey inhales deeply then nods. “I love you too Ian.”

The redhead stands and leans over the table to kiss Mickey. The brunet’s head is pretty fuzzy from all the wine but Ian's kiss makes him even fuzzier. He practically chases Ian's lips when the redhead pulls away to end the kiss.

Ian laughs but indulges him by holding the back of his head and kissing Mickey's some more, only deeper this time. When they break the kiss, they both looked dazed, clearly overwhelmed by the feelings they have for each other.

“We should move in together.”

Mickey quickly shuts his mouth when that comes out without his permission. Ian is frozen where he's still bent over, his eyes wide. It’s clear he's not for the idea, and even though Mickey didn’t mean to say that out loud, it stings that they're still not on the same page even after Ian just said _I love you_ back.”

Mickey rubs a hand across his face. “I…” he sighs. “Shit. Forget I said that.”

“No, no, I…”

“You don’ wanna move in together, I get it.”

Mickey is standing and leaving before Ian can even explain himself. He sits back down and rubs his eyes. “Shit.” He curses. “Waiter!”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dammit, i made myself cry.
> 
> heya guys!!  
> my deepest apologies for breaking my promise and keeping you for as long as i have. unfortunately RL needed me and i couldn't write until i had finished what i was doing.
> 
> sooooooooooooooooo back to them regular updates, yeah?

Ian runs a hand across his hair and tries to swallow the lump in his throat. Okay so he has reservations about moving in. He's worried and scared… mostly scared. If they move in together things might get a little complicated, it will definitely be that much harder to keep the truth from Mickey. But he's doing all this because he doesn’t want to lose the other man. And if he doesn’t run after him and fix this immediately, he will end up doing just that.

Ian doesn’t know what it is about Mickey, but the fear of losing the guy he's dating is so much stronger this time. The fear of not having Mickey in his life is so intense he decides that he will figure out the rest later. If Mickey wants them to move it together, then that’s what they’ll do.

                 He pays the bill, grabs the unfinished bottle of wine and walks out of the restaurant and into the elevator. He just needs to find his man. That’s all he wants. His heart is aching right now knowing the brunet is upset with him.

He thought he was in love those other times, he thought he had found the man with whom he would be spending the rest of his days those other times. But he didn’t feel this way about any of them. His feelings were never this strong for Max. It scares and excites him, just how much he's gone on Mickey.  

Ian is in _love_. He wants to do more than just move in with Mickey. He can't help thinking that Mickey is different, isn’t like the rest, but since he can't be sure he refuses to risk anything.

His heart skips when he hurriedly walks out to find Mickey smoking just outside the hotel and pacing back and forth. Both men freeze when their eyes lock. Mickey licks his lips and puts the cigarette back between his lips. Ian takes that moment to walk towards his boyfriend.

Mickey walks further down the sidewalk and Ian follows. The shorter man throws away his stick, tilts his head up to blow out the smoke, then sighs loudly.

“I'm sorry for walking away. I overreacted.”

Ian is shaking his head so hard he gets whiplash. Stepping towards Mickey, he caresses his left check, smiling when his boyfriend leans into the touch. “No Mick, don’t apologise.”

Mickey breathes in through his nose. “I just…” _felt so rejected and it fucking hurt_ is what he's thinking but doesn’t say. What the fuck is wrong with him? Why is Ian affecting him so much? What are these things he's feeling? He has never wanted to move so fast with anyone before. This is madness and it’s scaring the shit out of him.

“I'm the one who’s sorry Mick. I love you, I should jump at the chance to live with you.” Mickey blinks up at him, the blue orbs glittering from the street lights. “And I want to.”

Mickey scrunches up his face and steps away so they're not connected anymore. “Don’ do that. Don’t say that shit just to make me feel better. Moving in is a big fucking step, if that’s not what you want then it’s not what you want.”

Ian steps towards Mickey so they're close again. “That’s not why I'm agreeing to live with you. I _love_ you.” He enunciates.

Mickey smiles softly. “If you’re not ready, I won’t be mad, I promise Ian. Let’s just forget this happened and go home.” He grabs the bottle from Ian's hand and takes a large gulp, already walking away.

Dammit.

Ian fucked up and now Mickey doesn’t believe he wants this too. As he follows behind his boyfriend quietly, he wonders what he’ll do to convince Mickey he's in this too. He doesn’t want the other man to think he loves more than Ian in their relationship.

He curses every man that has ever hurt him because now he's hurting his current boyfriend. A man that’s all Ian has ever needed. A man that loves Ian the way he's always wanted. A man that’s moving as fast as Ian. They're on the same page but Ian's hesitation is ruining things.

Suddenly Mickey stops and turns around so fast, getting right in Ian's face. The latter steps back baffled, having not expected that. “I just…” Mickey bites his bottom lip in what looks like frustration. “Do I look like the type that goes around telling people I love them?”

“No.”

“Then why won’t you believe me?” he inquires. “It seems like you don’t believe me and I really can't figure out what it is I'm doing wrong.”

Ian shuts his eyes, tears he didn’t know had gathered falling. “I'm sorry it seems that way Mick. But I _do_ believe you and I _do_ love you back.” Mickey nods. “More than I have ever loved anyone before.”

“Okay.” Mickey replies.

Ian's chest clenches. He's fucking up. He's already fucking up and they’ve dated for such a short time. He loves Mickey, can't lose him and he has to get his shit together. “I’ll do better Mickey.” He croaks out and Mickey's expression turns to one of worry. “I’ll  be better. Just please don’t leave me.” He pleads, trying to swallow down the pain he feels at the thought of losing yet another boyfriend because of how damaged he is.

“Hey!” Mickey drops the bottle, not caring where it lands. He places his palms on both of Ian's cheeks. The redhead has his eyes closed, more tears leaving him and it’s breaking Mickey. “Look at me.” Ian does. “I am not breaking up with you Ian. I would never.” Ian  blinks down at him severally, hopefully. “I'm not.” Mickey repeats adamantly. “We fought. It’s what couples do. It doesn’t mean… shit.” Mickey just pulls Ian towards him and hugs him tightly. The way the redhead holds onto him it’s like he's doing it to make sure that Mickey doesn’t go anywhere.

It downs on Mickey that Ian has a past. A past that’s not pretty if the way he reacted tonight is anything to go by. He tries pulling back but Ian just holds him even tighter. Mickey sighs and caresses the red hair. “Listen to me.” He starts. “I am not your ex.” He can practically feel Ian holding his breath. “I wouldn’t leave you over something so small. I won’t leave you over anything.” He assures and feels Ian slowly relaxing in his arms. “I won’t ever leave you, period.”

Ian smiles behind Mickey's back and sniffs his neck before kissing him there. “I will never leave you either Mick.”

That being all Ian needed to hear, he can feel his chest loosen as he holds onto his boyfriend tightly. He knows that promise has been made to him before and was later broken. He has heard that before only for the guy to walk away. But Ian believes Mickey. Besides, he's already doing everything he can to make sure Mickey never leaves him. Learning from his past, he knows now not to let bipolar come between him and the man he loves.

“C’mon, lets go to sleep. That’s enough fun for one night.” Mickey chuckles, taking Ian's hand.

The redhead looks at their entwined hands, smiles happily then follows Mickey's lead.

He's happy.

And he's content knowing they’ll both _stay_ happy for a long time.


	11. Chapter 11

August.

 It’s on a Friday evening and both men just came home from work and are relaxing at Mickey's apartment. The latter just ordered them pizza and they are downing them with beer.

Ian belches then lies down so his head is on Mickey's lap. “You wanna go apartment hunting this weekend?”

Mickey blinks down at his boyfriend. He knows they talked about it, but ever since the fight it hasn’t really come up again. He had dropped the subject, not wanting to relive that night’s emotions. “You still want to move in together?” he asks.

Ian frowns up at him. “Of course I do. Do you?”

Mickey nods with a smile, pushing Ian's hair back. “Yeah. I do.”

Ian grins up at him then turns back to the TV. “I have been checking online and there a few I like we can go check out.” He asks. “We’ll start with those.”

Mickey who still can't believe Ian agreed to do this is surprised to see the topic has been on Ian's mind. “Sounds like an idea.”

.

They spend the entirety of Saturday and Sunday looking for apartments. On the computer and on the phone they looked great but in person neither Ian nor Mickey were really feeling them. So by the end of the weekend, they can't say they’ve found a perfect apartment.

So as soon as the next weekend comes up, the couple hits the road to check out the apartments they each saw throughout the week and liked online. Still, none of the ones they view call to them. If one likes a certain one, the other will find something wrong with it. They do however find one just outside the Southside that is pretty noisy outside, which is why Ian immediately suggests they take it. Mickey on the other hand turns it down for that exact reason. While Ian doesn’t mind the noise because he grew up surrounded by it, Mickey would rather do without the noise because he grew up surrounded by it.

And that’s how they walk away from an apartment they both liked the inside of.

The third week has Ian and Mickey moving on from apartments all together and looking into condos. The determined couple after unsuccessfully finding a place, decide to not just rent but buy. It’s Ian's idea and Mickey decides why not? He's not going anywhere. He loves Ian, Ian loves him, so such a final decision doesn’t even sound scary at all.

So they both sit down and budget on what they have. Turns out with their resources combined, they can afford something pretty decent. So they immediately go back online to look for affordable condos that are for sale.

 

           Ian and Mickey move into their new place in the last week of August. The apartments they both used to live in came with the furniture so it’s up to them to cough up more money to get new stuff for the new condo. It is just outside the North side, it’s on the 2nd floor and it is gorgeous. Best place either of them have ever lived for sure.

.

 

September

Ian and Mickey buy a bed, a TV and a microwave. After throwing almost everything they had at their new place, they don’t have much to spare in terms of furniture. But neither man minds, they have each other after all and if they both put in overtime, they might have everything they need in two months or less.

Mickey, deciding to leave the furnishing to Ian, doesn’t buy anything but rather opts to give his boyfriend his share of the contribution so the redhead can take care of what they need. So in the third week of September when Mickey walks into their former empty living room to find a full couch set, he doesn’t say anything but rather just takes a sit and relaxes with a long sigh.

“You like?” Ian asks, joining him by the couch and giving him a glass of cold passion juice.

Mickey drinks all of it, appreciating the cold drink. “Shit, that felt good.” He belches making Ian cackle. “And I love it.”

Ian smiles, pleased. “Great. We are making such progress Mick. Next the coffee table will get delivered this weekend. And then I found the perfect dining table, we will put it right there.” He points next to the kitchen island. “It’s going to look great.”

Mickey grins, straddling his boyfriend. “It looks great already.” He pecks Ian's on his lips and the redhead places both hands on his ass. “This was a great idea.”

“I think so too.” Ian replies initiating another kiss. He chuckles when Mickey grinds their crotches together. “Furniture talk gets you hot?”

Mickey laughs too. “Yeah, keep going.”

“Okay. How do you feel about a grey carpet?”

“Hot.”

“I might even get us a chandelier too.”

“Mmmm…”

Ian laughs hard lifting Mickey up and carrying him towards their bedroom.

.

 

October

 

Mickey toes off his shoes blindly since Ian has his eyes covered. He had gotten out of his car  to find a giddy Ian waiting for him just outside the elevator doors. “Happy eight month anniversary babe.”

Mickey had raised an eyebrow at the pet name but hadn’t commented on it, knowing Ian well enough by now to know nothing Mickey can say will make him drop it. The redhead had then proceeded to kiss him inside the elevator and hadn’t stopped till they were right outside their door.

Now Mickey is being guided around their house with his eyes closed. “Okay so, first, the bedroom.”

Mickey blinks his eyes open and looks around [their bedroom](http://www.winsila.com/w/2017/03/brown-platform-bed-with-headboard-and-cream-blanket_floor-to-ceiling-window_white-sheer-curtain_dark-brown-rug_fabric-upholstered-armchair_recessed-lights_wooden-metal-frame-bedside-tables.jpg). Apart from their made bed, the only new thing they have is the extra night stand so that now there’s one on either side of the bed, and a grey single couch chair in one corner of their room right next to the windows. He has never been a fan of grey before but likes that this is the theme Ian decided to go with. It’s working out great for their new place.

“It’s great.” He replies honestly.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay next [the kitchen](http://pixelsolz.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/mit-design-winzige-kucheninsel-kleine-kuche-einem-traditionellen-fur-kuche-kucheninsel-k-c3-bccheninsel-bcche-interieur-und-der-insel-als-schwerpunkt.jpg).” Ian covers his eyes again then leads him to their living area. “Well, not much is new here but it’s clean.” Ian laughs, taking his palms off Mickey's eyes.

The brunette touches the bowl on the kitchen island and laughs at just how clean their kitchen is. He opens the fridge for a beer and when he turns around his jaw drops. This is what Ian is really proud of if his wide grin is anything to go by. “Wow.”

“Yeah?” Ian asks, shyly.

“Wow, Ian [this is amazing](https://propertypassbook.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/BergeronTerrace3-1.jpg).” When Mickey left this morning all they still had were the three seats. Now there is a carpet, a dining table that’s already set with wine glasses and plates and everything. The chandelier has Mickey placing his beer on the kitchen island to walks towards it. Then there are the pictures on the wall and all kinds of decorations. “My boyfriend’s got good taste.” He admits, smiling when he feels arms wrap around his waist. “Happy eight months anniversary Ian. I love the fuck out of our new home.”

Ian turns him around. “I love _you_.”

He says before kissing Mickey gently on the lips. It’s just the gentlest press of lips and Mickey makes a small noise of longing before melting into it and kissing Ian back for all he’s worth. It’s everything Mickey never knew he wanted and his heart bursts into pieces with joy. All he wants is this moment.

He pulls back to look at the set table. “This looks great. Are we expecting guests?”

Ian shakes his head ‘no.’ “I just thought it would be nice if we had a redo of that night in the restaurant when you asked me to move in.” he says. “Only this time I have a feeling it will go so much better.”

As if on cue the oven dings and Ian lets him go to rush into the kitchen. “Have a seat babe. Dinner will be ready in two minutes.”

                       As predicted, dinner is a success. They're laughing and swapping their day’s experiences, a giddy euphoria in the air. Mickey looks across the table and right there sits his entire life’s happiness, covered in freckles and he has never been more grateful for anything. He finds himself leaning over the table to kiss Ian who was mid chew and has to swallow and take a sip of water first.

They both laugh before connecting their lips.

Mickey feels like this might just be the happiest day of his life.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *stretches out*
> 
> Good God, even finding images that match is a problem. ha ha haa
> 
> kudos n all comments welcome!


	12. Chapter 12

Ian and Mickey walk into the bar and Moz does a double take then raises surprised eyebrows. Ian gets it, they haven’t been here in a while. Months even. The bartender even leaves the counter to come give Ian a hug just as Mickey is getting settled on one of the bar stools.

Moz fist bumps the brunet with a click of his tongue. “I gotta say Mickey, I vouched for you but I wouldn’t have if I knew you were gonna take my favourite customer away from me.”

Mickey chuckles and thumbs his nose. “It’s not my fault if you were out of sight, out of mind.”

Moz turns towards Ian, holding his chest in mock hurt. “Ouch.”

Ian laughs and takes the stool next to Mickey. “I'm sorry Moz, new relationship and all, had to make sure he wasn’t going anywhere.” His heart skips a beat at how true that statement is. But when Mickey places a hand on his thigh, Ian knows that no, his love isn’t going anywhere. He places a kiss on Mickey's neck and the latter blushes so hard Ian does it again.

“What can I get you love birds?”

“I’ll have a jack and coke.” Mickey says.

Moz doesn’t consult Ian but instead grubs his usual cold beer. He then places both drinks on the counter. “So what's the occasion?” he inquires.

“We just moved in together.” Ian announces proudly.

Moz is clearly surprised as his jaw drops a little. “You did?”

Ian looks at his boyfriend with a soft, fond smile. “Yeah.” He replies. “It’s fucking great.”

Mickey really does love Ian's enthusiasm for their living together. And while in the beginning he did think Ian only did it to please him, he now knows it’s something the redhead wants too and that contents his heart. “Yeah. It’s the best.” He concurs turning back to the bartender. Just then his phone rings and it’s his boss so he gets up to walk out of the noisy space. Pecking Ian on his lips, he says; “Gonna get this.” Then walks out of the club.

When Ian turns back after watching Mickey's glorious ass retreat, he finds Moz staring at him. “What?”

“This is amazing news Ian!” the bartender exclaims. “How did he take it?” he inquires, knowing Ian was reluctant to date due to his ugly history. Ian sips on his beer his eyes shifty. “Ian.” Moz berates. “You moved in together, that’s a huge step.”

“No.” Ian replies with finality.

“He’s different. I can tell.”

“You don’t know shit Moz. You don’t know how strongly I feel for Mick. You don’t know much it would kill me if he left me. And you _certainly_ don’t know how he would take the news. So no, I did not tell him and I don’t plan on doing it.”

Moz looks at Ian sympathetically. “I get it Ian, believe me I do. But do you honestly believe not saying anything is the way to go?”

“Yes.”

“Ian.”

The redhead rubs a hand across his face. “Okay let’s say I tell him. Huh? Let’s say you’re wrong and just like the rest he leaves. Then what?” Moz is about to speak but Ian cuts him off. “Then I’ll be back here in your fucking bar stool like I have been for the last six years. Then I’ll be back to being lonely knowing every day that goes by I don’t deserve to be loved because I am nothing but a fucking burden.” He drains his beer and looks right into Moz’s eyes. “I cannot lose that man. He is my everything.”

Ian exhales in relief when Mickey walks back in, happy to end this stupid conversation.

Moz pulls back and goes to check on the customer at the other end of the counter. This isn’t the first, second or third time they’ve had this discussion. And it’s not the last time Moz will bring it up either. Ian needs to see keeping the disease from Mickey isn’t the way to go. He glances at his friend and hears Mickey ask him if he's okay.

“Now that you're here.” Ian replies as his face clears and he's smiling again now that Mickey is indeed here.  

Moz shakes his head when Mickey ducks his and blushes when the redhead kisses his neck. He is a literal contradiction to when he first met the guy. It’s like he’s a whole other person when with Ian.

They look good together and Moz really hopes Mickey is not like the men before him.

 

Ian loves when Mickey blushes. He lives for these moments. He laughs at the expression on Mickey's face and then Mickey is laughing with him and everything is wonderful.

.

They end up leaving after their first and only drinks and Ian is achingly hard by the time Mickey drags him into their apartment. The door barely shuts behind them before the shorter man is pressing him against it. Their bodies align perfectly as they grind with sweet, perfect friction.

“You know how much I want you?” Mickey moans.

Ian's hands wander down the planes of Mickey's back to the curve of his ass, dragging him closer until their hips meet. He can feel the hard line of his boyfriend’s cock brush up against his own.

“Getting some idea.” Ian groans pulling Mickey's bottom lip between his teeth.

Mickey laughs into Ian's chest and it’s just so fun and free and everything Ian has ever wanted. Someone like him who doesn’t take himself too seriously.

The shorter man blinks up at Ian and the look in the green eyes makes Mickey swallow. Ian is looking at him like he's precious and no one has ever loved Mickey like Ian does. He feels his face getting warm and he bites on his bottom lip shyly.

“You're so cute when you blush.” Ian voices.

Shyness is not something Mickey used to do before Ian. Another thing that makes him know that Ian is special.

Ever since the day he met the redhead and instantly got attracted to him. Ever since he started falling for the redhead so fast that he wanted to see him all the time. Ever since he asked Ian to move in with him at five months in and ever since he noticed how easily Ian affects him. Mickey has known Ian was special the day he agreed to be _boyfriends_. Because that’s not something he's ever done before. And every day they're together more things pop up that he has never done, never felt and never been before Ian Gallagher and Mickey knows that this is it for him.

Life with, Ian in this house. Sleeping in Ian's arms and waking up next to him feeling like home. Him in love and so head over fucking heels.

This is fucking it.

“Fuck.” Ian curses before dropping to his knees. He unzips Mickey quickly, pulling down his pants.

Mickey has no time to hiss at the cool air hitting his exposed skin before Ian wraps his lips around his cock. The sudden hot heat takes him by surprise and he falls forward, holding onto the door. Ian holds him up by the hips, his green eyes looking up at him as he smirks around Mickey's girth. He continues to do absolutely wicked things with his mouth. The redhead guides Mickey's tattooed hands to his hair, wordlessly looking up at him.

Mickey tangles his fingers in the red locks, tugging gently and Ian moans in satisfaction. He closes his eyes and continues to work Mickey's cock. He is earnest, determined and diligent as he sucks wet and messily, expertly bringing Mickey to the edge.

“Fuck Ian.” Mickey shuts his eyes tightly. “Gonna cum.”

Ian pulls away with a loud, filthy smack of his lips, his eyes glazed over and he stands up. Locking their door, he pulls Mickey towards the bedroom and they undress hastily, clothes getting discarded on the way.

Ian's cock is flushed with arousal, big and leaking precome. Mickey touches him slowly, licking his lips greedily. He however doesn’t get the chance to get on his knees before Ian is pushing him roughly on their bed.

“I'm coming inside you.”

Mickey chuckles, his voice rough. “By all means.”

Ian doesn’t waste time before he's climbing on the bed and settling between Mickey's legs, pushing his thighs apart and looking at Mickey’s hole. “Fuck.” He lets out. “Love every single thing about you, you know that?”

He practically folds his boyfriend in half and starts to lick Mickey open, keeps doing it and doesn’t stop fucking him with his tongue until Mickey can't take it anymore and is crying for more, begging Ian to get inside him. “Fuck me, please Ian. I need you.”

“I got you baby.” Ian replies squirting a generous amount of lube onto his fingers, rubbing them until they're all coated with the slick.

Mickey cries out when he's breached with a finger, then begs for another. And Ian just wants to keep fingering him, stretching him out until he's a writhing, wrecked mess. But he doesn’t have the time right now if he’s going to give Mickey what he's asking for.

Ian lines himself up with Mickey, tracing his rim with the head of his cock. An impatient Mickey grabs his hips and guides him forward, keeps pulling him till Ian has bottomed out. The shorter man clenches around him and Ian shudders, caught in Mickey's hot tight heat. The latter grabs both his cheeks and pulls him down for a hot, wet kiss. Ian completely surrenders to the pleasure and starts moving inside the love of his life.

They move together, their bodies in sync and already used to moving together at eight months in. Ian keeps a steady rhythm as he rocks forward. Mickey shuts his eyes as pleasure courses through him and he kisses Ian again.

“Fuck I love you Ian.”

Ian buries his head in Mickey's neck and grabs both his shoulders. Biting on his boyfriend’s neck he ups his speed and starts fucking inside Mickey at a punishing pace. The brunet holds onto Ian tightly, wrapping his thighs around the redhead as he starts thrusting upwards and meeting Ian halfway.

Ian initiates another kiss as he continues to fuck Mickey fast and hard. The other man pulls away. “Oh.” He moans and breathes loudly. “Oh my fucking God.”

Taking that as his cue, Ian slides his hand between them and takes Mickey's dick in his hand. The brunet opens his eyes wide as he immediately orgasms between them with Ian's name between his lips.

“Ohhhh fuck. Gonna cum baby!” Ian yells, losing his rhythm, his body spasming while he's still inside Mickey as he comes as hard as his boyfriend minutes before him.

He has very little recollection of pulling out and sliding off his boyfriend. Mickey moves towards him and connects them again so they're holding onto each other. Ian kisses Mickey's hair and holds onto him. He can feel his heart fill with immense love for the man in his arms as the brunet places kisses on his chest. Every day. Every single fucking day Ian falls harder.

God, he hopes he’ll have this for the rest of his life.

It’s only a matter of time before Mickey's breath slowly evens out and Ian knows he's fallen asleep. He sits up to reach for the duvet and cover them. Mickey groans in protest and scoots closer even though they are as close as they can be.

As he holds Mickey in his arms that night, the last thought on Ian's mind before he falls asleep is that losing this, losing Mickey, is going to destroy him.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There.
> 
> now you can't say i didn't make up for not updating in 4 days :))

 November

“Damn. A family meeting?” Carl drops on the recliner and lights a blunt. “I don’ remember the last time we had one of these.”

“Hey Fi.” Lip calls their oldest sister who's in the kitchen getting them snacks. “Why’d you stop calling family meetings?”

“Since you all moved out and now it’s just me and Liam.” She replies sitting on the couch next to Ian and Debbie. “We have our own family meetings. Don’t we Liam?”

Liam rolls his eyes and grabs a beer can from the table. “Don’t remind me.”

“Okay. Enough. Ian we’re listening.” Debbie says.

Ian slides forward and clasps his hands. “Okay you all know I'm dating this guy.”

“Yeah. The one you’re now living with and we still haven’t met?” Fiona snarks.

“Yes.” Ian replies. “I wanted to be sure.” He says and they all nod in understanding fully aware of his past. “I think he's the one.”

Fiona and Debbie gasp. “What?” Debbie speaks up. “That’s great Ian!”

“It’s wonderful.” He concurs with a grin. “That’s why I'm ready for you to meet him. Because I'm going to propose.”

“Congrats bro.” Carl says from his seat. “It’s about time you found someone worth your love.” He fists bumps Ian. “Fuck those other cowards.”

“Calm down everyone. I won't do it today. Or tomorrow or next month. But it’s something I'm thinking about doing with Mickey. Maybe.”

Lip shakes his head. “Unbelievable.”

“What?” Fiona asks.

Lip looks at Ian. “Tell them.”

Ian takes a deep sigh and looks at each family member before ducking his head. Fiona speaks up. “Ian this is amazing news! How did he take you being…” she trails off.

“He doesn’t know.”

Everyone and everything goes really quiet, no one wanting to say what needs to be said. Finally Lip touches his hand gently. “Ian, you're marrying the guy.”

Ian tightens his jaw before clenching and unclenching his fists.

“Ian you need…” Fiona starts but Ian interrupts.

“What I need, is support from my fucking family. What I _need_ is to hear you’ll be there for me if and when we do this. What I don’t need is to hear how I should tell Mickey I got fucking bipolar disease. I don’ need to hear that I'm lying or withholding important information. Because when they left me, I took that shit by myself. I hurt by myself. I'm the one that had to endure fucking heartaches. Not you, me!” he slaps his chest. _“I'm_ the one who will be left _once again_ , because I am too much!” he gets up. “So no! I don wanna hear it. I need you to say you will come down to the fucking courthouse and be there for me when the time comes. I need to hear that none of you will ever mention anything to Mickey. That, is what I fucking need!”

He is breathing hard as he looks at all his siblings. Its Liam who speaks up first. “Of course Ian, whatever you need, you got me.”

Fiona and Debbie are both crying as they nod simultaneously. “Yeah.” Fiona says.

“I’ll be there.” Debbie adds.

“Whatever you need, Ian.” Carl who was frozen in his seat gets up to hug Ian.

Lip too does the same. Then Fiona, Debbie and Liam are doing the same till its one big group hug. Only then does Ian finally take a needed breath and relax. His family realises Ian is serious about never telling Mickey the truth. So they have no option but to support him.

That is all he needed.

.

 

Like clockwork because Ian's body is fully adjusted by now, he rouses at 6:00AM and slides off the bed. He does it extremely carefully and quietly so his live in boyfriend doesn’t hear him. Ian tip toes to the bathroom and quietly locks the door. He reaches for the brown bag and pulls out his fifty pill bottles. Swallowing his cocktail down, he stares at himself in the mirror happy that things have been going smoothly for months now.

But this is what happens when he sticks to doctors’ orders; everything is okay for a long while. Sometimes he even manages to forget about his highs and lows. God, he hopes none hit again. Not when things are going so well with Mickey. Not now that they live together.

He is still staring at his reflection when he hears Mickey call his name.

“Ian?”

Ian hurriedly slides his pill bottles back in the brown bag.

“Ian!”

“In here!” he shouts as one bottle falls. “Shit.” He quickly reaches for it and puts in back in with the rest. Getting on his tip toes, he quickly puts the bag on the very top shelf –which he nailed in himself when they moved in- where Mickey can never reach and will never think to look.

Mickey is outside the bathroom now trying to pull open the door. “Ian, why is this door locked?”

Ian flashes the toilet and sprays the air freshener. He then unlocks the door to find his sleepy boyfriend frowning on the other side. “Sorry babe. Was taking a dump.”

“Since when do you lock the door for that?” Mickey asks, eyes still half closed.

Ian taps the side of his head. “You're right, I don’ know what I was thinking.” He says holding Mickey's waist and guiding him backwards towards their room.

Mickey buries his head in Ian's chest. “Woke up and you weren’t there.”

“I know baby. Let’s go back to bed.”   

They get back in bed and Ian pulls Mickey into his arms. He kisses his boyfriend’s forehead as they settle back to sleep. Its so warm in their bed and with Mickey lying next to him. Ian has never felt more content.

 

.

“What's your take on marriage?”

Mickey who is seated by the kitchen island going through his phone and drinking tea stares at his boyfriend’s firm back taken aback by the question. Ian doesn’t turn around but instead continues chopping cabbage. “What Gallagher, you planning on proposing?”

“No, I'm planning on introducing you to my family and I don’t want you to freak out in case you think marriage is next.”

Mickey chews on his bottom lip. “Honestly,” Ian turns around. “I have never thought about it.”

“No?”

Mickey shrugs. “I mean, I never thought I would ever fall in love.” Ian smiles. “I never thought I’d ever have a boyfriend. So, marriage has never been in the cards for me either.”

Ian nods and turns back around. It’s quiet with Ian cooking and Mickey staring at his cup of tea. He feels the need to add;

“I'm not saying I wouldn’t marry you. I'm just saying I’ve never pictured myself as someone’s husband.”

Ian nods again and turns back around. He places a bowl of chopped fruits in front of Mickey before handing him a fork. “I get it.” He pecks the shorter man on the lips. “We’ll revisit the topic in five years.”

Mickey glances at his pudding. “Thanks.” Ian smiles at him then turns back to his chopping board. The brunet shifts in his seat feeling obligated to say more. “I didn’t say we gotta wait five years to do it Ian. I'm just saying…”

“You have never thought about marrying anyone.” Ian turns around with a smile. “I understand Mick. This isn’t you turning me down. You're not ready and I respect that. It’s too soon anyway.”

Mickey drops his fork and it clutters on the table. The redhead winces. “Ian, do you wanna get married? Is that what this is about?”

“We’re not fighting.”

“I feel like we are though.” Mickey points out. “You're smiling and feeding me fruit but I can tell this is important to you.”

“Beef or chicken?” Ian asks instead. “We’re not fighting.”

Ian, just a little bit, maybe, he wouldn’t have minded if Mickey had said he was for marriage off the bat. Sometimes he wakes up wondering if this is the day Mickey finds his pills and leaves him. So maybe all this marriage business is just so he can reassure himself that the other man isn’t going anywhere.

Its stupid. He knows. Mickey hasn’t said no, it’s just a topic that has never crossed his mind. Ian takes a deep breath. It’s fine. They're fine. He's lucky Mickey even loves him he really shouldn’t be pushing something like this.

Taking another deep breath, he turns to find Mickey watching him worriedly. His fingers are tapping the counter over and over and he looks really anxious. So Ian walks towards him and twists his stool so Mickey is facing the other way and Ian can step between his legs.

“I admit, I wouldn’t mind marrying you. I hope it doesn’t scare you off because we’ve only been dating for nine months.”

“It doesn’t.”

“But it’s okay. I understand what you’re trying to say. I get it.”

Mickey exhales, relieved. “So we’re okay? You won't take this as me loving you less?”

Ian shakes his head. “No baby, not at all.”

They kiss and make up with Mickey putting his hands inside Ian's boxers. “Fucking love you.”

Ian lets out a shuddering breath. “I love you too Mick.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> asanteni kwa kusoma!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dani aka FMF i see u in the kudos and i am scared for u. are u sure u wanna keep reading this? tihihihihi
> 
> okay guys. we're almost there for those who want to back out. last chance. ha ha ha haa!!! i'm sorry. this is just me trying to make sure that everyone reading this understands that painful things are going to happen and i don want anyone getting pissed at me :( in the comments. just keep supporting me like you've been doing because a happy ending awaits.  
> okay?
> 
> MWAH!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

January

Oh man.

Life is amazing. Life has never been better.

Ian is the happiest he's ever been. Work is going great, his family is doing great, his health is great and his relationship is perfect. There is simply no other way to describe it.

Mickey Milkovich is the most amazing man Ian has ever dated. Which explains why this has been his longest relationship. Even with Max it wasn’t this good and they lasted close to 6 months. Ian shakes his head, getting his thoughts away from his ex who he has realised is a trigger at this point.

He finishes vacuuming the house and decides to do laundry. Mickey has a half day at work on Saturdays but Ian is usually home on weekends so he is usually the one who does the general cleaning most of the times. He likes taking care of Mickey, taking care of them. It gives him purpose, makes him not feel so useless. He hasn’t felt important for a long time and Mickey makes him feel that.

He is so grateful to have Mickey in his life. And he hopes things continue to go as smoothly as they have. He has been so careful with hiding and taking his meds it’s like second nature at his point and he hasn’t had any close calls. Thank God.

He hopes to keep this up for a long time.

Sometimes it eats at him that he's hiding a big part about himself from Mickey, but then he thinks about the why and the guilt ebbs, some.

He is not unrealistic, he knows he can't keep the secret forever. Maybe when they’ve been dating for three years or when they're talking marriage Ian will think about telling Mickey. Either way Ian knows a year is not enough time to confess about anything. Maybe his biggest mistake in the past was coming clean too early. After all, they didn’t love him enough if they left. So yes, Mickey loves Ian but the redhead thinks it’s still too soon.

It’s too soon.

There's a knock at the door and Ian leaves the bathroom. “Iggy, hi.”

“Sup man.”

Ian watches the blond walk through the door. “Mickey's not home.”

“I'm aware Gallagher.” Iggy heads towards the living room and sits comfortably on the couch. He pulls the coffee table close towards him and pulls out a bag of weed from his pocket before laying everything out on the table. “Can I only visit when my brother is around?”

“Of course not.” Ian goes to the kitchen and pulls out two cold beers from the fridge. “You're welcome anytime.” The redhead tells his boyfriend’s brother handing him his beer.

“Thanks.” Iggy takes the drink and takes a sip before rolling the first joint. “He knows I'm here. Wanted me to bring him the good weed.”

Ian sits on one of their red single couches and watches Iggy work. “You don’t have work on weekends either?”

Iggy shrugs. “I'm a mechanic, they can do without me for a day.” He hands Ian the joint. “Here you go.”

Ian knows that Iggy’s shit is usually pretty strong so it’s a good thing he's taken care of all the chores. He stretches his legs out and leans back on the seat getting comfortable.

“That feels good.” He moans after his first inhale.

“You haven’t felt good until you’ve fucked while baked.” Iggy says making Ian laugh.

“Then we should wait for Mickey.”

“Ugh.” Iggy groans. “Do not put that image in my head.”

Ian laughs already feeling elated. “Damn this shit works fast.”

.

 

Mickey gets a text that makes absolutely no sense and he laughs out loud. He glances at the gibberish on his phone and the only thing that’s spelt right is the word _snacks_. He laughs again when he re-reads the text. He already knows his boyfriend is high since Iggy is over at their condo. If there is one thing Mickey has realised after being with Ian for 11 months, is the fact that his boyfriend is a light weight.

“What are we so happy about?”

Mickey glances at the man who just sat next to him. Work got boring and he’d come to the restaurant near his workplace. “My boyfriend just texted me a bunch of shit that makes no sense.” He chuckles. “He’s high.” He shows his co-worker and friend Blake the text.

Blake laughs. “Damn. What's he on?”

Mickey shakes his head and pockets his phone. “Weed. My brother is visiting us.”

“Oh Iggy usually has some great shit.” Blake voices. “I miss his weed.”

Mickey chuckles. He and Blake used to be friends with benefits before he met and fell for Ian. They hooked up for a long time and always understood where to draw the line. Outside of the bedroom they were like bros and that was it. Friends who once in a while saw each other’s dicks.

Mickey can't say he misses it. Not with Ian's bed skills.

He however has only seen Blake in passing most of the time since he and Ian became serious. They haven’t really hanged out till today.

“I gotta say Mick,” Blake slurps on his milkshake. “I still can't believe you settled down. And for this long no less.”

Mickey nods. “Me either.” He replies. “Do you know he brought up marriage a couple of weeks ago and it didn't do nothing to me?” he scoffs. “ _Marriage_ Blake. Fucking marriage and I just found myself thinking; I wouldn’t mind.” He laughs in disbelief.

“Wow. He's special, huh?”

Mickey shrugs. “Well.”

Blake steals a fry from Mickey's plate. “I still can't believe it Mick. It’s almost been a year. You’ve really fucking changed man.” Mickey doesn’t disagree. “I mean I'm happy you found love and all that shit but I'm losing the best ass I’ve ever had.”

Blake jokes and they laugh. “It’s almost a year later. That’s hitting you now?”

“It’s hitting me now that this thing is serious. I thought he was just passing by and then you moved in together and now it’s been a fucking _year_ …” he trails off. “Are you sure we can't?” Blake nudges Mickey and wiggles his eyebrows. “One last time for old times’ sake?”

Mickey laughs. “Why the fuck would I do that?” he scoffs. “Ian's packing nine motherfucking inches.”

Now it’s Blake's turn to scoff. “You're exaggerating.”

“The fuck would I do that for?” Mickey asks him.  “No offense man, but he's the best fuck I’ve ever had.”

Blake a places a hand on his chest in mock-hurt. “Ouch.”

“Yeah. So no _old times’ sake_ for your ass.”

They both laugh it off and move on, Blake taking the rejection in stride because they were never serious despite how long their sexual relationship lasted. They finish lunch and then head back to work.

.

 

When Mickey arrives home he is hit by a strong weed smell. Chuckling to himself, he shuts the door and walks into their house. He finds his boyfriend jumping on the couch and dancing to some song while Iggy laughs it up on the carpet still smoking. Their place looks like Snoop dog’s. There's smoke _everywhere_.

“Chips!” Ian yells as soon as he sees Mickey before jumping off the couch.

“Good to see you too.” Mickey laughs receiving the sloppy kiss Ian plants on him. The redhead then grabs the bag of chips from him and sways his hips to the beat.

“C’mon baby, dance with me.”

“What have you done to my boyfriend?” Mickey asks Iggy before reaching out for the joint he's smoking.

Iggy gladly hands it over with another laugh when Ian jumps back on top of the couch and resumes his uncoordinated dancing.

.

 

Ian wakes up to kisses being peppered on his face. He smiles and opens his eyes to find Mickey kneeling in bed with a tray of food. “Its 1:00 PM. Get up and eat something.”

Ian slowly sits up with a groan. “I slept for half a day?”

Mickey laughs as he places the food on Ian's lap. “Yeah. I have never seen you let lose like that before.”

Ian reaches for a fried potato and dips it in hot sauce before taking a bite. “I was just so happy. I _am_ happy.” Ian says then pulls Mickey in for a kiss. “Because of you.”

Mickey clears his throat when he feels himself getting emotional. “You make me happy too.” He replies.

Ian turns back to his breakfast or lunch and Mickey sits down and crosses his legs watching him. “So I had a conversation yesterday with this guy I used to bang.”

Ian looks at him still chewing. “Oh?”

Mickey licks his lips. “Yeah, we work together.” Ian stops eating and just blinks at him. “I haven’t really hanged out with Blake since you and I started that’s why I've never mentioned him but I thought I should.”

Ian swallows and nods. He is not worried about this Blake person. Not if Mickey just came clean. “I was your first boyfriend, right?”

“Right. It was just fucking with Blake.”

Ian nods and then goes back to eating. “Thanks for telling me.”

“Of course.”

Ian lifts the tray and places it on the night stand. He then clears his throat and looks at Mickey. “Then I think it’s only fair if I mention I ran into my ex too a few months back. Before we moved in together.” he says playing with his fingers. “We barely talked so I didn’t think he was worth mentioning.”

Mickey acknowledges it and nods. “Okay.” He glances at the tray then asks; “Why’d you break up?”

Ian lifts his head. He didn’t expect Mickey to ask that question, and his heart starts to accelerate. He tries to shrug casually then says; “Things.”

“What kind of things?” Mickey continues.

Ian understands that the question is innocent enough, that Mickey being his current boyfriend has every right to know. But Ian doesn’t like thinking about Max or any of his last boyfriends. And if the topic doesn’t change he might end up having a panic attack. His breath is already starting to shorten and his heart is beating abnormally fast.

He can't have a panic attack. If he does Mickey will know Max is a trigger and he will want to know why. And then Ian will come clean and then Mickey will leave him and he is so happy, he's so fucking happy, he can't lose Mickey… Mickey can't find out.

And shit. He's losing it.

When he sees Mickey start to frown he says; “We weren’t a good fit.” He says quickly before crawling towards Mickey. He straddles him. “Let’s not discuss the past.”

He then kisses his boyfriend to stop himself from spiralling out of control. As soon as their lips touch it goes a long way in grounding him and his heart rate starts to go back to normal as their lips slot against each other. He deepens the kiss and Mickey is happy to just roll with it. God, Ian loves him so much.

“Thank you.” Ian tells Mickey sounding breathless.

“You're welcome.” Mickey replies even though he's not sure what he's being thanked for. Ian beams at him and the brunet shakes his head.

His boyfriend can be so weird sometimes but he loves him regardless.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanna Thank the Anons who leave feedback on tumblr. Mob love 乂❤‿❤乂

 The reason why Ian gets up at the crack of dawn to take his meds is because he and Mickey are pretty much inseparable when they're around each other. So he can't just take his meds at any time in the morning, it has to be before Mickey wakes up.

Now it’s on a Sunday, they're both home and Mickey just brought Ian breakfast in bed where the redhead had to fuck his boyfriend so that he wouldn’t notice he was acting weird.

After, Ian thought this would be a good time to take his meds, since he pretty much slept through the morning. But Ian is just about to reach for the very top shelf when he feels warm arms wrap around his waist. He smiles and turns around in Mickey's hold.

His boyfriend looks so good. His hair is facing all directions, his face is flushed, and his lips are swollen. He just always looks so fucking good after sex that Ian finds himself hardening again.

Mickey looks between them with a grin. “Someone’s ready for round two.”

Ian laughs and tilts Mickey's head up by his chin. He kisses him slowly, softly, sucking his bottom lip between his own. Mickey moans and grabs the back of Ian's head, pulling him even closer and deepening their kiss. Ian walks backwards, allowing himself to be led my Mickey into the shower. Since both men are still naked, the brunet turns on the shower and cold water rains down on them.

“Ugh…fuck babe!” Ian yells trying to get away.

Mickey just pushes him against the wall as the water starts to hit up. Ian groans when Mickey takes his dick in his hands, jerking him off to the rhythm of their kiss. He in turn grabs Mickey's ass and pulls him closer. His boyfriend moans his name and Ian shudders. “Fucking love you.” He can't help but whisper into their kiss.

Mickey just hums in reply before letting go of his cock so he can bury both hands in Ian's wet hair. The taller man lifts one of Mickey's legs, holding onto it. He then guides his now fully erect member towards Mickey's hole. It slips in easily and both men sigh in satisfaction.

Ian makes sure the kiss doesn’t break as he starts to move inside the man he loves. He fucks up into Mickey over and over, holding onto his left leg tightly. Mickey yells out Ian's name and hugs him tightly to himself as he relishes in the pleasure coursing through him.

Loud music turns on in the house making Ian pause. “What was that?”

“Iggy spent the night.” Mickey replies.

“He’s still here?”

“Shh…” Mickey kisses him. “It’s just you and me right now. Just you and me.”

Ian nods then kisses his boyfriend back at the same time he grabs both ass cheeks and lifts Mickey up effortlessly. His dick goes in much deeper and Mickey's nails dig into his back.  “Oh fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”

Ian hums in agreement as he continues pounding into his boyfriend. Mickey holds onto Ian's shoulders for dear life as the latter fucks up into him mercilessly, both getting carried away by the intense pleasure. In this position Ian is hitting his prostate with every thrust and even though he came only minutes ago in their bed Mickey can tell he won't last. So he just holds on tight, drops of shower water making their way into his mouth as he moans out loudly. This is probably why Iggy turned on the music but fuck him.

Mickey curses and moans and shudders as he comes untouched between them.

Even with the shower water coming down, Ian watches with his mouth open as Mickey's cum shoots up like a fountain. He chuckles. “That was so fucking hot.”

Mickey pushes at Ian's chest till the redhead puts him down. He then gets on his knees and sucks Ian's cock into his mouth. Ian slams his head back on the shower wall and caresses the black hair. “Feels so fucking good baby.”

Mickey just hums in reply. Ian does a full body twitch as he comes down his boyfriend’s throat. Mickey doesn’t stop sucking until Ian pushes him off from oversensitivity.

“Fuck.” The both say simultaneously.

“You are so fucking good.” Ian turns off the shower then helps Mickey stand back up and pecks his lips softly over and over. “I love you.”

Mickey caresses Ian's cheek. “I love you too.”

“You wanna get dry so we can join your brother?” Ian asks.

Mickey nods. “Okay. But food first. Two rounds of sex have me famished.”

Ian spanks the bubble butt as soon as Mickey turns around. The brunet just shakes his head as he reaches for their towels before throwing Ian one. They make quick work of drying off before heading back to their bedroom to get dressed.

.

“Carl, what are you doing here?” Ian hugs his brother, surprised to see him.

“Carl here is a loyal customer.” Iggy speaks up. “He called me, told him where I was, said he hadn’t seen you in a while and voila!” Iggy says blowing out smoke through his nose.

“Yeah, I'm here for the good Kush.” Carl concurs taking the joint from Iggy.

“Right.” Ian ruffles Carl’s hair. “Good to see you bud.” Then heads to the kitchen to join Mickey who is already getting whatever meal of the day this is, ready. Ian wraps his arms around him from behind. “What are we cooking?”

“Hey, I'm not the chef in this relationship so I just got a bunch of shit together here.” He laughs pointing at the pan.

Ian kisses his neck. “Hey, no need to get defensive. I love your cooking.”

“I'm a terrible cook.”

“Still love your cooking.”

Mickey just shakes his head and accepts it because he knows Ian means that. They both lose themselves in the kitchen with Mickey cooking and Ian keeping him company. It’s a good afternoon and Ian feels even happier than he was yesterday. Mickey drops the cooking spoon for the fourth time and Ian laughs.

 “You're not sober are you?” he walks to one corner of the kitchen and grabs the mop. Again.

Mickey laughs continuously and doesn’t stop for a few minutes. “I know it didn’t take you this long to realise that.” Ian joins him in the laughing. “Yeah, I woke up to find Iggy still going. We Milkoviches don’ go down easy.”

Ian turns around to check on their brothers and his eyebrows shoot up. “When did they get here?”

Mickey turns to find Ian's older siblings are here too. “Guess we’re having a party. “He serves their meal in one big plate then grabs two spoons.” Ian follows him into the living room.

“Yo!” Mickey shouts stepping over Carl and Iggy’s legs so he can drop on the couch. “Whoever’s hungry there's food in the kitchen.”

Ian hugs Fiona and Lip before sitting next to Mickey. “Good to see you guys.”

Lip raises a bottle of whiskey. “I brought the jack.”

“Fuck yeah.” Mickey and Carl chorus.

Ian is laughing, trying to spoon-feed Mickey who’s avoiding the spoon when Fiona walks by and into their balcony. Ian glances at her and she nods towards the second chair. He nods and turns back to Mickey.

“Be right back, okay?”

Mickey nods then looks towards Lip who hands him a joint.

Ian gets up and heads towards the balcony, closing the glass door behind him. He sits on the opposite chair from Fiona. “What's up?”

Fiona glances into the living room then back at Ian. “I know you don’ wanna hear this Ian but,” Ian's heart drops. Fiona avoids his eyes and looks at her hands instead. “It will be a year next month.”

As if Ian could ever forget. “Yeah. I couldn’t be happier.”

Fiona frowns at him, looking like what she's about to say isn’t easy for her. Ian is dreading what's about to come out of her mouth. “Ian I get it. Believe me more than anyone I get it. I understand that coming clean could be the reason Mickey leaves you but for how long do you think you can get away with this?”

“For as long as I need to.”

“Don’t you think you're being a little selfish?”

“How so?” he asks.

“As your boyfriend that you love and live with, don’t you think he has a right to know?”

“As my big sister don’t you think I deserve to be happy?”

“Of course I do Ian! Of course I do!” Fiona whisper shouts then they both glance into the house to make sure Mickey isn’t watching them. “But you _need_ to tell him.”

Ian shakes his head ‘no’ adamantly. “I can't. I can't, I can't Fiona I can't, please don’t make me.” He looks inside the living room and sees Mickey laugh at something Lip just told him. They're so happy, he's so happy. Ian doesn’t want to ruin this. He's happy taking his pills in secret, he's happy keeping this from Mickey as long it means him having someone to come home to at the end of the day. If it means he doesn’t have to sleep alone at night again. As if sensing eyes on him, Mickey turns and waves at Ian. The redhead smiles and waves back, his heart skipping a beat. “Please don’t make me.” He tells Fiona one more time.

Fiona stands up blinking unshed tears from her eyes. “I’ll leave you with this.”  She says. “Maybe Mickey is the exception. Maybe Mickey is the one guy that will accept you and take care of you.”  Ian swallows. But Fiona is not done. “And maybe, Mickey won't leave you because you have bipolar disorder. Maybe he’ll leave because you’ve been lying all this time. Maybe, he’ll think that you don’t love him enough to trust him.”

And then she's walking back into the house.

Ian rubs his mouth back and forth with his palm until it starts to hurt. He chews the inside of his cheeks until he tastes blood. He rubs his sweaty palms on his thighs and tries to stop shaking. No, it hadn’t occurred to him.

No, he hadn’t thought of the possibility that he could lose Mickey whether he comes clean or not.

The truth hits Ian like a fucking train. He can't win. He loses either way. And he doesn’t know how to deal with that.


	16. Chapter 16

The light is shining through the tiny space left between their bedroom curtains. Ian glances at the love of his life who is lying on his left arm, his left palm on Ian's chest. Mickey always looks so peaceful when he's sleeping and Ian's heart always clenches whenever he watches the other man sleep. He is so breathtakingly beautiful that Ian can understand why he is so gone on him. He thinks about the life they’ve built together in this condo. How happy and content they’ve both been since they started dating.

It’s been a good run. A really good run.

Ian caresses Mickey's cheek gently. The brunet shifts closer but otherwise doesn’t get up. Ian thinks about the conversation he had with Fiona yesterday in the balcony. It had really hurt to hear those words out of his sister’s mouth, to accept that she was right. Because at the end of the day that’s the truth, isn’t it? Taking chances is not something he's confident in, considering it has lost him every relationship he ever had.

A tear runs down Ian's face and lands on his pillow. High chances are that he will die alone. If he tells Mickey the truth and the other man can't handle it, or if he tells the truth and Mickey concludes Ian doesn’t trust him, he loses him either way. And when Ian loses Mickey, he is done. No more men, no more relationships. This is it. If he can't have Mickey he would rather live alone because he doesn’t think he will ever love any other man the way he loves this one.

So at this point and juncture in his life, Ian wonders if there is even really a point anymore?

No really, what's the point if at the end of the day he's going to lose Mickey? At this time in the morning is when Ian usually rushes quietly into the bathroom to take his meds. But two days have already passed since he last took his pills. Which should be a great motivator for Ian, but all he can think about is what Fiona said and he feels like there really isn’t a point.

More tears leave him and he sniffs before burying his face in the pillow to wipe them off.

Sure being on medication and exercising has stabilised him over the years and by doing this he's been able to keep his job. His boss promised to always give him the time he needs after an episode as long as he sticks to his medication. Which is a great thing, not having to rely on his family really. But, what does it matter of it means living a stable life all on your own? Doing everything he can to stay healthy seems so pointless after that conversation with Fiona.

So he doesn’t get out of bed. Doesn’t take his meds. But instead continues lying there next to Mickey and watching him sleep, waiting for 6:30 to come around which is when Mickey's alarm will blast through their room.

 

.

His alarm rings and Mickey opens one eye to feel soft, gentle fingers caressing his cheek. He smiles and looks up at his redhead. “Morn…” he clears his throat. “Morning.” He greets.

Ian gives a resemblance of a smile before pecking his lips. “Gonna go make you breakfast, okay? You take a shower.”

Before Mickey can even thank him the redhead is out of the bed and pulling on sweats. Mickey sits up and reaches for his phone to silence the alarm song. He feels… strange. He feels like something is off even though he can't place a finger on what that thing is.

 

.

When Mickey gets out of the shower he finds his outfit of the day placed on the fully made bed. Everything has been placed on top of the covers neatly, including matching shoes. He frowns. While this is sweet and all, Ian has never done this before. But he shrugs it off. Ian is just being the sweet boyfriend that he always is. He smiles when he sees his shirt has been ironed. They both usually have to go to work at the same time, and Mickey hates ironing. So more times than not he wears his shirts the way they are.

This was really thoughtful of Ian.

Walking into their kitchen, a full breakfast has been laid out on their small dining table. It looks really good and the presentation has Mickey raising another baffled eyebrow.

“Is it our anniversary? Did I forget my birthday?” he jokes as he sits down and bites into a sausage.

One corner of Ian's mouth lifts but then he's turning around to get the coffee. Mickey watches his boyfriend’s back chewing slowly. What the hell was that? These weird smiles Ian is giving him this morning are starting to freak him out.

“Everything okay?” he asks.

“Yeah.” Ian takes the seat next to Mickey. “I'm just looking after my boyfriend.” He says it without making eye contact and Mickey thinks any other day that statement would’ve been accompanied with a smile and a kiss.

Ian starts eating, doesn’t say anything else and that strange feeling Mickey got when he woke up increases. He thumbs his nose and wonders if he should comment on the uncomfortable silence. In the 11 months they’ve been seeing each other Mickey and Ian have never shared such weird silence.

Ian finally looks up from his plate. “Is the food not okay? I can make something else.”

Mickey shakes his head ‘no’. “It’s good.” He replies shoving the last piece of sausage into this mouth.

.

Mickey gets a phone call from Ian every hour. While he appreciates his boyfriend checking in on him, it’s really out of character for Ian. And every fucking hour? What the hell?

Then Ian shows up during lunch with food. The last time this happened was months ago during Mickey's birthday. He stays so close to Mickey the entire time he's there that their bodies are practically touching. The brunet doesn’t know what to make of his boyfriend’s behaviour. And as far as he can tell it’s not jealously over Blake.

It seems like Ian just wants to be near him?

The thought makes Mickey calm down somewhat. He's still slightly worried that something is wrong, but he won't complain that his boyfriend wants to be around him. He knows there are people out there who wish their men would check up on them every hour and bring them lunch.

So he doesn’t say anything when he comes home to a ready dinner, even though this means Ian came home early from work to do this. Doesn’t complain when Ian takes off his shoes and even offers to change him out of his clothes. He doesn’t say anything when it becomes clear that Ian is almost sucking up to him. Which is weird because it’s completely unnecessary. Mickey would do anything for the redhead. Anything. But he stops worrying about it. After all, it’s not a bad thing being taken care of like this.

When you think about it, this is all very romantic. If Ian's smiles would stop looking so constipated that is.

.

 

                As it turns out, Mickey can only take Ian's neediness and clinginess for so long.

In the past when Ian would feed him it would be playful. This time it just seems like Ian wants to do everything for Mickey. He looks like Mickey would say jump and he would ask ‘how high?’ He’s been catering to Mickey so much to the point where it seems desperate.

The other day the food had too much salt and when Mickey pointed it out, the way Ian reacted you would think Mickey yelled at him. The redhead had apologised profusely and poured the entire meal in the bin before proceeding to make a new one. Mickey had been flabbergasted and it doesn’t matter how many times he said it was okay, Ian had insisted on cooking a second meal. So Mickey had had no choice but to sit there and watch his own boyfriend slave away. It had left an unsettling feeling in stomach.

Later that night Mickey had initiated sex and ended up cuming before Ian. The redhead had refused to keep fucking him after, choosing to jerk himself to completion instead. Usually Mickey would have found that hot but considering his boyfriend’s recent behaviour, he’d just watched the whole thing with a concerned frown.

That’s why today, four days later Mickey finally snaps.

Ian has been super extra nice to him so Mickey wants to return the favour. Before they head out for work, Mickey tells Ian he's taking him out to dinner after work, despite it being a weekday. The intended time is 8:00PM. Ian gets home at 7:30 due to work which means they're going to be late.

“You're late.” Mickey tells him from the couch with a smile.

“I'm so sorry Mick. My boss needed something and I tried to get home as fast as I could.” Ian explains desperately.

Mickey stands up and walks towards him. He grabs the redhead by both cheeks and places a kiss on his lips. “It’s okay. I will just call and tell them we’re going to be late.”

“I'm so sorry.”

“Stop. Just get changed and we’ll head out.”

It’s not a big deal really, Mickey makes the call, so it’s not a big deal. He will just watch TV in the meantime while Ian gets ready. Ten minutes later however, Ian still hasn’t come out of the bedroom yet. And he's a guy so he shouldn’t be taking this fucking long.

When Mickey walks into their bedroom however, its to find Ian seated on the bed with a tie in his hands and is he… crying?

“Ian.” Mickey rushes and kneels between his boyfriend’s legs.

Ian sniffs and stands up so he can face away from him. “I'm fine.” He looks at the mirror putting on his tie.

“Ian, what the hell is going on?” Mickey asks because this has gone on for long enough.

“Why would something be going on?” Ian counters. He turns around face clear of all tears but his eyes still look watery.

“You’ve been acting weird all week, now you’re crying and I need to know why.” Ian stares at him blankly so Mickey continues. “It’s either you want something, or you did something. Which one is it?”

“Right. Because I can't do anything for my boyfriend without wanting anything in return?” Ian sounds really defensive and Mickey is at a loss.

“Ian stop twisting my words, you know that’s not what I'm saying. You don’t usually act so…”

“So what?”

“Needy. Alright? Its freaking me the fuck out!” Mickey yells. “It’s driving me fucking crazy because something is clearly wrong and I need to know what it is.”  

Mickey watches Ian's Adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallows heavily. He waits with bated breath to finally hear what the truth is. Instead he gets the shock of his life when Ian goes; “You don’t want me Mickey.”

Mickey looks at Ian askance because… _what?!_

“You don’t want me.” Ian shakes his head vehemently. “You made a mistake being with me. I'm…” he gestures at himself with disgust then takes a deep, shaky breath and more tears fall down his face.

“Ian,” Mickey licks his lips and takes a step towards Ian who takes a step back. “What's happening right now?”

“I just want to be alone.” Ian says turning around and facing away from Mickey.

Mickey touches Ian's hand. “Ian.”

Suddenly Ian turns back around so angrily Mickey takes a few steps back with wide eyes. “I SAID I WANT TO BE ALONE!”

Mickey's jaw drops and he opens and closes his mouth trying to understand how they even got here. “Ian this is crazy!” he breathes. “You are acting fucking crazy right now.” He's tempted to reach for Ian again but restrains himself.

His boyfriend is still glaring at him, clearly not backing down from his order. Mickey has never seen this side of Ian before. First he's all over him and now he wants nothing to do with him?

Judging by Ian's stiff shoulders and his set jaw, it would be better if Mickey did indeed leave the room so he does. As the door closes behind him, he runs a hand through his hair and looks around their hallway as if there’ll be someone who will pop up and explain because;

What the fuck just happened?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hides*


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder that i am consulting two wonderfully forthcoming ladies who have first hand experience with the disease. So again, proceed with caution. I am not looking to trigger or upset anyone. Just trying to tell a story here and i just feel like i need to remind y'all once every few chapters to turn around or proceed with caution.
> 
>  
> 
> Mob Love---- Shaz! <3 <3

Mickey spends the night on the couch.

When he wakes up there's a blanket draped over him and his boyfriend is seated on the carpet next to the couch. “I'm sorry.” He says as soon as Mickey opens his eyes. He places a hand on Mickey's stomach and the latter covers it with his own.

“What's going on Ian?”

Ian shakes his head and smiles. Mickey is happy to see it’s genuine. “I’ll be better I promise. That… last night shouldn’t have happened.”

Mickey sits up, making sure they're still touching. “I don’t want you to apologise. I want you to tell me what's wrong.”

Ian gets up from the floor and joins Mickey, sitting on the edge of the couch. He kisses Mickey and the brunet allows it but when it seems like Ian wants to deepen it he gently pushes him away. “Ian. We have to talk about those things you said last night.”

Ian pulls his hand away and Mickey instantly knows he's upset him. “Really Mickey?” he demands sounding irritated as fuck. Mickey has never had that tone of voice directed at him before. Certainly not from Ian.

“What?” a confused Mickey inquires.

The taller man stands up and walks away mumbling; “I am trying to fucking make it up to you but you just…”

Mickey doesn’t hear the rest of it because his boyfriend disappears down their hallway. He later hears a door slam. Mickey lies back on the chair and looks at the ceiling. He is even more confused than he was yesterday. Ian has come from being his usual, normal, sweet self to this stranger who's hot and cold and apparently now snaps at Mickey.

The brunet grabs at his chest where it really hurts because of how Ian is treating him and he wishes he understood why this is happening in the first place. He slowly slides off the couch half an hour later and heads towards the bathroom. As he nears the door he hears the shower running. He could knock. He could. But after he made Ian angry he doesn’t think it’s the right decision to do so. So he diverts towards their bedroom instead and dresses without showering.

He then heads to the kitchen where he washes his face in the sink. Mickey decides he will give Ian time to calm down. Whatever is happening maybe he just needs some space. Maybe by today evening he will have his Ian back.

Mickey however feels bad leaving without saying goodbye. So he finds himself lingering by the door. “Fuck.” He curses and decides to try just one more time. He's about to head to the bedroom when he hears the shower is still running. What the hell? Knocking on the door loudly, Mickey yells; “Ian! Are you alright in there?”

“Fuck off Mickey!”

Mickey's breath catches. He will never get used to that. He trips and realises he's been walking backwards. Mickey sniffs and swallows the lump in his throat.

Mickey Milkovich doesn’t remember the last time he cried. But right now it’s taking everything he can not to as he gets into the elevator and presses on the button for _basement_.

.

 

Ian feels like he has emptied his tear ducts. He wishes Mickey would miraculously figure out what's wrong with him so Ian doesn’t actually have to say it. He wishes Mickey would just leave him so Ian can start adjusting to being alone. He wishes that he wasn’t feeling the way he is right now. He wishes he wasn’t fucking bipolar to begin with. But here he is. Alternating between feeling guilty over snapping at Mickey and thinking maybe it’s necessary so the decision to leave will be easier on Mickey.

Ian locked himself in the shower, sat on the bathtub and hasn’t gotten out of the bathroom for an hour and a half. He has cried and cried and cried such that his eyes hurt and his hands are wrinkled from being in the water so long.

Ian tried being extra nice. Tried to show that he can be perfect for Mickey so his boyfriend won't leave him but it backfired in his face. And boy did it backfire. Now Mickey thinks he's crazy which… he's not wrong. He would leave Ian if he knew what was good for him.

But Ian really doesn’t want to lose him. And he doesn’t want to be the reason their relationship ends. But he will be. Whether it’s because he's sick or because he's pushing Mickey away, it will be his fault. It always is.

It’s always his fucking fault. He's damaged and broken and he's a terrible human being for even saying yes to Mickey.

Oh Mickey.

The best man Ian has ever met. The only man Ian has ever truly loved. What is he going to do?

Ian finally gathers the strength to leave the bathroom. He's really stressed out and it’s starting to take a toll on him. But he needs to get to work while he still has the energy so he forces himself to stand and walk out of the bathroom. Getting dressed feels like a chore and it takes longer than it should.

By the time Ian is getting into the elevator it downs on him he really should have been taking his pills. He thinks about going back to do exactly that, but he's already going down to the basement, and the doors are opening. He will do it after work, he decides.

Ian gets in his car and when he switches on the ignition he realises he forgot to fuel the car. The stupid thing is blinking up at him reminding him he has little to none. How could he have forgotten to do something as simple as fuel his own fucking car? Ian growls and punches his stirring wheel over and over and over ignoring the accidental hooting. He finally stops and he's breathing hard, sweat forming on his brows.

Of course he forgot.

Because that’s who he is. Ian Gallagher who forgets important shit all the time. He forgot to treat his boyfriend like a human being this morning. He forgot he should have never gotten a boyfriend to begin with. He forgot that he is a ruiner of relationships. He should have paid more attention and fuelled his fucking car. Maybe, if he paid more attention all the shit that happens to him wouldn’t happen. If he was more keen, he wouldn’t go through any highs or lows. He wouldn’t have gone through an episode those many years ago and Max would have never cheated on him.

Everybody leaves Ian because Ian doesn’t pay attention. Ian forgets to take care of himself. Maybe if he did that more often he would have never triggered this disease in the first place.

His chest aches, his head aches, everything aches as he continues to sit there in his car. He punches the wheel one more time but its weaker this time. He has exhausted himself and barely has any energy to lift his hands. Ian slums his head on the back of his seat and his entire body shakes with silent tears.

It’s not fair.

It’s not fucking fair that he tries his best but is never good enough. He tries to be the perfect boyfriend but the inevitable happens and he ends up losing the men in his life. He ruins everything and the way he lost the rest is how he will lose Mickey. It will be his fault, like everything usually is.

Ian looks out the window and the distance between his car and the elevator seems like a mile. He sighs and resigns himself to the fact that he's not going anywhere. Except maybe back to their condo. If he can figure out how to move.

.

 

“Okay spill.”

Mickey startles and looks at Blake. The other man has joined him at his table like last time. “What?”

“I have never seen you this down. What's going on?” Blake asks.

Mickey sighs and rubs a palm across his mouth. He stares at his untouched lunch and leans back on the booth seat. “’I don’t know man.”

“Is it Ian?” Mickey nods. “What's wrong?”

‘”I wish I knew.” Mickey replies honestly. “I wish he would tell me.” He adds softly.

“Have you tried talking to him?”

“Yeah.” Mickey bites on his bottom lip. “It didn’t go so well.” Blake doesn’t say anything so he continues. “I don’ get it. We’ve been doing so well. A week ago everything was perfect and now…”

“Maybe he just needs time?” Blake suggests.

“Is what I thought.” Mickey tells him. “But I feel like I did something wrong but I don’t know what. He's got these weird mood swings and now I have to… fuck.” He groans.

“I don’t know Ian so this is just a suggestion but maybe he cheated and doesn’t know how to tell you? That’s how people whose conscience is eating at them act like.”

Mickey blinks at Blake then glares/sneers at him. He's seconds away from pouring his milkshake on the guy when he backtracks.

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. You guys have a solid, loving relationship. It’s probably something else.” Blake placates. “He’ll tell you when he's ready.”

Mickey gets up. “You can have my lunch. Haven’t touched it.”

He then goes back to work, his appetite completely gone even though he was hungry as hell when he walked into the diner.

.

 

The building usually has assigned parking spaces. Each condo has two parking slots. So Mickey easily spots Ian in his car when he parks his own in the basement. He walks out and slowly walks towards it. Peeking through the window, he sees Ian fast asleep.

Mickey knocks on the glass and Ian slowly opens his eyes. The redhead doesn’t move, doesn’t say anything and his face remains blank so Mickey gestures for him to open the window.

“Did you just get home?”

Ian's shrugs. Barely.

“You wanna come upstairs?” Mickey asks carefully.

Ian just looks at him so Mickey takes that as a yes. He unlocks the door from the inside and then helps Ian out of the car. The redhead leans practically all his weight on Mickey as they walk the short distance towards the elevator.

“Did you hurt yourself?”

“I'm fine.”

Mickey keeps quiet after that, concentrating on getting them home. He unlocks the door and Ian toes off his shoes before pulling away from him and heading towards the bedroom.

“Ian. Are you hungry?”

“No!”

Mickey closes the door and leans on it. He takes a few breathes and collects himself. Ian is acting really weird and he is very tempted to call Lip, but he knows that would only upset his boyfriend even more.

What Blake said to him nags him at the back of his mind but Mickey shakes it off. Ian would never do that. They’ve been good. They _are_ good. This is just a small hurdle they have to overcome and then everything will be amazing again.


	18. Chapter 18

 Ian lies there ruminating on the same things over and over. He's experiencing a low. It has never been clearer. But while usually Ian would call Lip to have him take him to the hospital, today he doesn’t care. He sincerely doesn’t see the point. Not if he loses Mickey either way. Fiona’s words resonate in his mind on a daily fucking basis.

Ian loses whether he tells Mickey or not.

So right now he's just waiting things out. It’s either Mickey gives up on him and leaves or Ian… he sighs. He can't go there. Things are bad, things are awful, but he can't go there. He loves his family too much to do that to them. Loves _Mickey_ too much to do that to him. So every day he gathers the courage to get up and make himself a sandwich. Every day he gathers the little strength he has to go use the bathroom. He thinks Max left him because Ian got so bad Max had to clean his fucking piss.

So he won't do that to Mickey. It may take him a while but while his boyfriend is at work he gets to the bathroom when he feels the need. And when he has no energy he pees in an empty water bottle, hoping Mickey doesn’t find it. If his boyfriend finds out that Ian can't even leave the bed to pee he will know for sure something much more severe is going on.

Ian can't have that.

It’s been twelve days. Twelve fucking days and Ian can see their situation is taking a toll on Mickey. Twelve days of Ian pushing his boyfriend away by snapping at him and literally chasing him out of their bedroom. Almost 2 weeks and their relationship has gone from bad to worse.

.

 

Mickey buries his face in his hands and tries to breathe as painful tears leave him. He hiccups, and he hates how his throat aches and how his heart beats almost too loud in his ears. He doesn’t get it. He honest to God doesn’t get it. What was it he did that was so bad? What did he do that was so wrong that Ian treats him this way? Talks to him like he's a fucking nobody?

Mickey has to walk on eggshells in his own fucking house. He can't get into their bedroom because the last time that happened Ian yelled at him to go away and even threw their pillows at Mickey. The brunet does not understand what's happening.

So he had no choice but to call Lip. Because that man locking himself in their bedroom is not the man he knows and loves. That Ian that yells at him and insults him is not the Ian Mickey met and fell in love with. Another ‘go away’ moment has Mickey crying on their couch like a little bitch. His chest hurts so much for the first time ever Mickey regrets falling so hard and so fast for Ian Gallagher.

It’s been twelve motherfucking days!

He genuinely thought this was a phase. He thought Ian's mood swings and bad attitude wouldn’t last for more than a day. But here he is, after getting kicked out of their bedroom _again_. He needs answers and he needs them now. That’s why when Lip shows up Mickey feels so relieved to see the other man.

“Where is he?” the blond asks as soon as he walks in.

“He hasn’t even been going to work Lip.” Mickey explains desperately. “For days now he won't leave our room and he's been pushing me away. I don’ know what to do here man.”

Lip gives him a sympathetic look then nods once. He taps Mickey on the shoulder once before heading down the hallway and into their bedroom. Mickey can only pace back and forth, wearing their carpet thin.

After such a good run, after an entire year of so much happiness, Mickey never would have predicted this. He never thought that he would get to a place where he dreads coming home. A place where he has to wait until his partner is asleep so he can get into their room. He never thought that things would get so bad to an extent where they don’t sleep on the same bed anymore.

And it breaks his heart. It brakes Mickey's heart that once they were so happy and now here they are. This is honestly the worst Mickey has ever felt. Even the passing of his mother didn’t hurt this bad.

He has never felt this way before but for the first time ever he's worried about their future.

.

 

Ian still buried under the covers hears a knock on the door and feels irritation clog his heart. Mickey knows he's not allowed in here. Not now. Ian doesn’t even know how Mickey is still with him. He's waiting for the day Mickey will walk in here to pack his bags and tell Ian they're done. He's waiting for the day Mickey will get fed up with him. It honestly baffles Ian that Mickey has taken Ian's bad attitude every day for almost two weeks. That’s longer than anyone stayed in the past. But Ian knows, he _knows_ it’s just a matter of time.

He doesn’t talk, doesn’t yell at Mickey, just stays buried under the covers. “Ian?”

Ian opens his eyes wide in surprise. He uncovers himself and turns his head towards the direction of the door. “Lip?” he calls meekly. “What are you doing here?”

“Mickey called me.”

“Why?”

“Why the fuck do you think?” Lip snaps.

Ian sighs and continues lying in the bed. His brother goes to stand in front of the window, hands in his pockets. “When he opened the door for me I could tell he's been crying.”

Ian's breath catches in his throat. “What?” he croaks out.

Lip turns to him with an angry frown. “What's your plan here Ian? I am genuinely asking.”

“He’ll leave eventually. They always do.”

Lip rubs his forehead and shakes his head. “Why not just break up with him then?”

“Because I love him.”

“If you loved him you wouldn’t make him feel like shit.”

Ian stares at the carpet on their floor. “You're normal. You don’t get it.”

“I hate when you do that.” Lip replies. “I don’t have to be sick to get where you're coming from Ian.”

Ian shrugs with one shoulder. “You do actually.”

“Dammit Ian! This isn’t healthy!” Lip yells. “When was the last time you took your meds?”

Ian is unbothered. “What for?” he is already tired from the small exchange with Lip and just wants to go back to sleep. “I need to sleep.”

“I'm gonna tell him.”

Ian opens both eyes. Even though he literally has no energy and his entire body feels weak, he manages to sit up. Blinking up at his brother he starts; “Lip listen to me. If you even dare, we are _done_.” He tells his brother. “And this is not a brotherly joke, if you tell Mickey what's wrong with me, you are _dead_ to me. I will never talk to you, I will never see you, you won't exist to me anymore. Do you hear me?”

Lip looks pained as he pleads. “He _has_ a right to now.”

Ian sighs as the energy he had left completely leaves him. “Go away Lip.”

He doesn’t check to see if Lip obeys his order but instead slides back down on the mattress and goes back to sleep.

.

 

As soon as Lip walks back into the living room Mickey shoots up from the couch. He stands in front of Lip and looks at him expectantly. “So?” he didn’t hear Lip get kicked out angrily so Mickey figures the blond made progress.

Lip stares at him for longer than it makes sense before he finally sighs in what looks like resignation. “He won't tell me what's wrong.”

Mickey's heart drops.

_“I don’t know Ian so this is just a suggestion but maybe he cheated and doesn’t know how to tell you? That’s how people whose conscience is eating at them act like.”_

Mickey nods and dejectedly goes back into the living room. Even Lip, Ian's own brother couldn’t get what  was wrong out of Ian.

He.

He doesn’t know what to do. Doesn’t know where to go from here. Ian is pushing him away, that much is clear.

_“I don’t know Ian so this is just a suggestion but maybe he cheated and doesn’t know how to tell you? That’s how people whose conscience is eating at them act like.”_

Mickey is lost. Mickey is confused.

Mickey has no fucking clue where to go from here.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Ela (aka mixedemotions) for letting me bounce ideas off you as usual!!! <3 <3 <3

February.

 

“Think you might be right.”

“What about?” Blake asks wiping ketchup off his chin.

Mickey dips his fry in his own sauce and makes circles. He really didn’t want to say this out loud but; “The cheating thing.”

“How you figure that?” Blake asks trending carefully as opposed to telling Mickey _I told you so._

Mickey sighs and drops the fry completely. “I just…” he sighs again. “First he started acting weird. Then he didn’t talk to me for two weeks and now he's been gone a week.” He shrugs. Mickey has never experienced misery in his life and it fucking sucks.

“Damn.”

“I would have preferred to have him snapping at me and yelling at me to go away but have him around, you know?”

Blake frowns. “And you're sure you did nothing wrong?”

“We were fine!” Mickey yells then calms down when a few people throw him weird looks. “We were fine.” He mutters more to himself that Blake.

That’s what has him confused about the whole thing. It all just happened out of nowhere. One minute they're doing great, they're in love. The next they’re where they are now. In this… in this fucking situation that Mickey would do anything to get rid of.

“I just wish he would talk to me.”

.

 

Ian stares at the pills Lip just placed in front of him. “I already told you I'm not taking them.”

“Right now you’re depressed, sure. But what happens when you get manic Ian? You know you don’t want that.” Lip tries.

Ian who's in a cocoon of blankets on Lip’s couch stares at his brother. “I came over here because I couldn’t watch Mickey hurt anymore. I already know what I need to do Lip, I don’t need you telling me.”

“THEN FUCKING DO IT!” Lip slaps the coffee table in frustration making Ian flinch.

His eyes immediately well up because he knows Lip is right. He knows Fiona was right. Everyone but him is always right. He's the fuck up that makes bad decisions even when he knows they're bad.

“No… Ian, don’t cry. I'm sorry. Fuck.”

Then Lip is joining him on the couch and holding him. Ian welcomes his brother’s comfort and cries on shoulder, holding him tightly. He doesn’t know for how long they sit there with Lip rubbing his back and with him crying even more when he thinks about Mickey.

.

 

Sleep doesn’t come for a long time. Mickey lies there in their bed with the lights on as he gently caresses Ian's side of the bed. Ever since they got together they’ve never been apart for this long and he misses his redhead so much. So fucking much.

If Ian really did cheat Mickey is even ready to talk through it and work shit out. He will need an explanation as to why but with how he feels about Ian he thinks he would forgive him. He can't let him go, can't lose him.

Even though Ian won't pick up his calls, even though he might be with the guy he's cheating with right now, even though they've drifted so far apart Mickey doesn’t recognise them, he’s still holding out hope.

Mickey doesn’t half ass anything. He has never been in love before but now that he is, he's all in.

They’ll work it out. All of Ian's things are still here so his leave must be temporally.

Mickey will wait.

 

.

Ian lets Lip take him to the doctor.

Ian takes his meds.

Ian accepts that it’s time for Mickey to know. Since he loses Mickey either way then he will tell him. He will tell Mickey he suffers from bipolar disorder.

.

 

Two days later when Mickey comes home he finds Ian seated on their kitchen table. He straightens up and looks right at Mickey. The brunet’s steps stutter and he holds his breath. Ian looks worse for wear, exhausted, pale, and Mickey supposes guilt will do that to a person.

He walks into the kitchen and pours himself a glass of whiskey, filling it to the brim. He then turns around to look at his boyfriend. Their one year anniversary came and went and they didn’t even celebrate it. Mickey bets Ian didn’t even remember it. Placing his glass on the table, he sits directly opposite Ian then takes a huge sip.

“You leaving me?”

Ian blinks at him and Mickey doesn’t get why he looks surprised. What other conclusion is Mickey supposed to draw from how the redhead has been acting? The way he's been treating Mickey?

“Who is it?”

Ian looks like he finally understands Mickey's thought process. He ducks his head and sighs. Mickey swallows. That… that looks like a yes. His hands are shaking so he places them on his lap.

“I'm not leaving you Mickey.” Ian says in that flat, lifeless voice he's taken to using.

Mickey doesn’t believe him.

Different emotions go through Mickey. Ian doesn’t sound like he's ready to fight for what they have. He doesn’t sound convincing at all, doesn’t sound or look like he's still in this. Mickey is grasping at straws at this point. He will do anything because he doesn’t want to lose Ian. He really doesn’t.

He stands and walks towards Ian. “Get up.” He commands. The redhead follows the command, looking like he doesn’t even want to do _that_. “Kiss me.” Mickey pleads desperately. His heart is thundering in his chest at all the bad, heart-breaking possibilities.

Ian blinks at him again, leaning on the table with one hand. He moves forward slowly and touches their lips together. And even though his lips are dry and chapped, Mickey sighs and deepens the kiss. It feels good to be connected like this again.  After how terrible things have been, Mickey didn’t think Ian would ever let him do this. Kiss him, touch him.

They stand there making out, but Mickey can feel that something is missing. That spark Ian's kisses give him, he's not feeling it. Ian's heart is not in this. Just like when he told Mickey he wasn’t leaving him, Mickey doesn’t believe this kiss either.

Ian is trying. He is really fucking trying but he can tell the minute Mickey gets frustrated. He should have waited till he was fully adjusted to the meds before coming back.

“You're not hard.” Mickey points out, stepping away. “Why are you not hard? I don’t do it for you anymore?” he asks and the tears welling up in his eyes have Ian's chest aching. “’That it?” he snaps. “Is that fucker so good that you can't even get it up for me anymore? Huh?”

“Mickey stop.” Ian pleads weakly.

Mickey can't see. Everything is blurry and his heart aches. Fuck Ian. Fuck him. Mickey has done nothing but try to be understanding and now he can't even get turned on by Mickey?  

Fuck him. Mickey will be damned before he lets the stupid redhead see him cry. He rushes past Ian, knocks him out of the way and grabs his shoes before running into the elevator shoeless.

.

Mickey runs into the first bar he sees and sits on the counter. He taps on the wood twice and waits for the bartender to walk towards him. “Whiskey. Fucking bottle.”

.

 

Mickey hadn’t realised he was at a gay bar until some dancers got on stage and he noticed the cheering crowd was full of men. He’d turned back towards the counter and continued to drink his whiskey, completely welcoming the burn in his throat and chest.

He keeps replaying the conversation he had with Ian over and over. Usually when people cheat, from what Mickey has gathered overtime, the relationship is usually going to shit anyway. This is why none of this makes any sense because they were fine. What Ian did was truly uncalled for and Mickey doesn’t want to think about him right now.

He downs five shots in quick succession and welcomes the warm, floaty feeling as the burning liquid settles in his body.

“Hey handsome.” Someone drops on the stool next to him.

“Fuck off.” Mickey replies.

The guy clicks his tongue. “That’s no way to talk to a good looking young man who thinks you're the best thing he’s seen all year.” Mickey scoffs and shakes his head. “Wanna take a trip to the bathroom?”

The brunet looks at the new stranger and narrows his eyes at him.

“You look like you could use some loosening up.”

Now, Mickey's not a cheater. He's not. He's never been in a relationship but he knows that much.  
But then again there's Ian who clearly didn’t have the same reservations. Who went right ahead and cheated on Mickey, disregarding all his feelings. And then went away for a whole fucking week to God knows where, only to come back and not get turned on by Mickey. That, that might have been what hurt more than anything Ian's done to him so far.

He turns to look at the guy. “I'm Mickey.”

The guy practically beams before shaking Mickey's hand. “Adam. So what do you say?”

.

 

A tipsy Mickey follows Adam to the bathroom. He hesitates walking into a stall with him but the guy gives him an encouraging smile and he walks in. Adam caresses his chest and Mickey recoils.

“Can't do this.”

“It’s okay.” Adam says stepping even closer.

Mickey shakes his head ‘no’. “Not really. I’ll… never be okay again.”

“You got a boyfriend, huh? He giving you a hard time?” Adam whispers his breath brushing Mickey's face. Then there's a hand in Mickey's jeans and lips kissing on his neck. “Don’t worry, you don’t have to do anything. Leave it all to me.” Adam says before promptly dropping to his knees.

.

 

Shit.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit!

Mickey kicks at the bathroom sink. “Shit!”

He slides against the wall until he's sitting on the filthy bathroom floor. He just cheated on Ian. Their relationship isn’t what it used to be and now he's no better because he just fucking cheated. Is this who they are now? Is this what they do?

Mickey sits there and breaks down with his chest aching and hot, stinging tears cascading down his face. What has he become? What have _they_ become?

.

 

His solution is to drink himself to a stupor. He’s been drinking from a shot glass as opposed to a normal glass, pouring shot after shot after shot. He has already lost track of time and the last time he went to the bathroom he knocked over two tables and had needed help getting back to his stool on the counter.

“Maybe you should go home man.” The bartender suggests for what Mickey thinks is the tenth time.

“I live jus’ aroun’ the corner.” Mickey slurs.

“Well, I'm done for the night so I can walk you to your building.” Adam says appearing next to Mickey. “Make sure you don’t get robbed.” Mickey turns in his stool and almost falls but the guy quickly steadies him. “ _And_ that you don’t pass out on the way, Jesus.”

“I don’ nee a good samarit’n.”

The guy laughs throwing his hand across Mickey's waist. “Yeah you do.”

Mickey tries to pull away but almost face plants so he allows Adam to steady him again. Giving up, he throws his own hand over Adam’s shoulder and allows himself to be guided out.

“You said you live around the corner?” Adam asks when they walk out of the bar. Mickey grunts. “Which way?”

It’s a slow walk towards the condo, with Mickey staggering and Adam trying his best to support his drunken weight. When they're just outside his building Mickey gets tired, his legs feeling a little weak.

“Les’ stop. One minute.”

“Okay. Over here.” Adam guides him towards a wall, leans Mickey there then stands in front of him and cages him in.

 “Think I ca take it from here.” He pushes Adam away but as soon as he tries to walk he stumbles back.

Adam holds him then leans him on the wall again. “Okay sure, just let me…”

Mickey breathes and shakes his head trying to clear some of his drunkenness. Adam's hand is in his pocket then he's pulling out Mickey's phone. “Don’t. I don’t want...”

But the other man doesn’t listen but instead keys in his number then calls himself with Mickey's phone. “There. Now we can find each other whenever we want.” He slides the phone back into Mickey's pocket then his hand lingers before he slowly slides it towards Mickey's crotch. “Have a goodnight Mickey.”

Mickey places his hands on Adam's chest and pushes him off before walking into his building.

.

.

.

 

Ian stands by the couch, and sighs sadly when he feels how strong the smell of alcohol is.

“It’s not that I don’t love you anymore. It’s not that I’ve been cheating. I have bipolar disorder and I was scared to tell you because every man I've ever dated left me when they found out.”

Ian tells Mickey's passed out form.

He takes a deep breath. That wasn’t so bad.

He’ll do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [](http://tinypic.com?ref=26p03)  
> 


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanna say it gets better this chapter. i really, really do. :((
> 
> just a reminder. i have repeated **several** times that this fic wont be easy. so let's just keep that in mind if we decide to proceed. okay?  
>  THANKS!!!
> 
> Big up to Ela and Jess. for all their help. love u guysssss!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️  
> and everyone still reading and leaving feedback despite how tough it is. Ty! ❤️

Ian lays awake in bed listening for Mickey. He was in the kitchen earlier but his boyfriend was still passed out. Ian hasn’t slept much since their fight yesterday and he feels a little exhausted, but he's willing to persevere so they can talk. They can't keep living the way they’ve been.

Mickey looked so hurt and upset when he ran out and that expression has haunted Ian since. God, how much he needs them back. But they need to talk so Ian can know if there will even be a _them_ to get back to. He sighs where he's lying in bed looking at Mickey's empty side and trying to figure out when the last time they slept together was.

Ian has been a ball of sadness for weeks now and he managed to pull Mickey down with him. He managed to drive his love to some club where he drunk himself unconscious. How did he even get home? It hurts thinking in the past Mickey would have called him, just like that one time he drank too much during Iggy's birthday. Ian hadn’t been able to attend but Mickey had called the moment he’d realised he went a little too hard.

Now last night Mickey chose to risk his safety rather than call Ian because he thinks the redhead cheated on him. Yeah, Ian definitely needs to right that thought. He can see how Mickey came to that conclusion, and he doesn’t know which is worse; the thought of him cheating or him being sick.

Well, Mickey came home despite thinking Ian cheated so that’s something.

He hears noises in the kitchen and shoots up from the bed. He hesitates before opening the door to gather himself. Taking a deep breath, Ian finally leaves their room.

Mickey hears their bedroom door close and he freezes. He left angrily last night because Ian was cheating. Then he’d gone out and let some guy suck his dick. He doesn’t know what that makes him but he's probably worse than Ian for retaliating. Shit. What's Ian going to say when Mickey tells him this? Will he agree to work things out since they're somewhat even now?

He turns off the tap and drinks every drop of water from the glass.

“Hey Mick.” Ian calls quietly, softly and almost carefully. He must think Mickey is still mad. “You wanna talk?”

Mickey clears his throat and turns around. “Yeah. I'm just gonna use the bathroom.”

Ian slowly sits on one of the dining table chairs. He taps his fingers nervously on the table as he waits for Mickey. When he hears the shower turn on he figures Mickey will be a while. Ian sighs when he remembers he left his phone in the bedroom and he doesn’t want to get it right now. Mickey's is right here in front of him but they're fighting so he doesn’t think he's allowed to just take and use Mickey's phone like he's used to.

He's just made himself a cup of tea to pass the time and sat back at the table when Mickey's phone chimes with a text. Usually Ian wouldn’t look but the phone is right there and he can see the notification is from Adam. The only part of the text he can see reads; **Had fun last night…**

Ian's heartbeat accelerates and he quickly grabs the phone with trembling hands and swipes to unlock. Neither of their phones have passwords, because they’ve never seen the need to. Because they trusted each other. Ian opens the text and forgets to breathe when he reads the rest of it.

**Had fun last night. Wanna meet again? Can't forget the taste of you on my tongue.**

Ian's heart just fucking plummets.

He sits there frozen, blinking down at the text and waiting for it to rearrange itself in a way that won't mean Mickey _cheated_ on him last night. Mickey. His Mickey let someone who wasn’t Ian suck his dick last night. What else did they do? What else did Mickey let some fucking stranger called Adam do?

Ian drops the phone from his trembling hands. He quickly picks it up again and marks the text as unread.  

Six years ago when Max cheated on him, when Ian walked into their apartment and caught his ex in the act, he was expecting it. He wasn’t surprised by it. And while it hurt, it didn’t feel anything like this. All this time Ian has been waiting for Mickey to leave, all this time he knew he would push the brunet away, this entire fucking time he never once pictured a cheating scenario.

Why would Mickey cheat after accusing Ian of doing the same? Why would he cheat at all?

Ian swallows but his mouth is dry. He gets up and starts pacing. He… he can't think. He needs to get out of here. He can't look at Mickey. Ian knows he shouldn’t be mad, he shouldn’t be upset because he did this. He pushed Mickey into another man’s arms. This is all his fault so he shouldn’t be getting upset right now.

His stomach aches, his chest aches, his head is pounding and his blood feels hot in his body. His eyes sting, his entire body feels weak and his brain can't stop replaying that text over and over in his head.

Mickey cheated. Mickey cheated on him last night and it’s all Ian's fault.

.

 

Mickey has been doing everything excruciatingly slow to buy time. Even though Ian cheated first, it still doesn’t make it easy for Mickey to tell Ian that he fucked up last night. What was he even thinking?

He finally leaves their bedroom and walks back towards their living room. He stops in his tracks when he sees Ian isn’t at the kitchen table.

“Wha…” he starts then licks his lips. “Ian!” he doesn’t get an answer. After checking every room and not finding his boyfriend, he picks up his phone from the table.

Mickey calls Ian but the phone rings inside the house. Sighing and feeling disappointed, he drops on one of the seats. Had he misread things? Ian was ready to talk. He didn’t have that don’t care attitude today, which is all Mickey has been getting from him for weeks. He really looked like he was ready to talk, which is what Mickey has wanted for so long.

He slumps back on his seat.

He supposes he shouldn’t be surprised, after all Ian's moods have been all over the place lately. One minute he wants Mickey in their room the next he's yelling at him to go away. One minute he's apologising the next he's snapping and insulting Mickey.

The brunet slumps forward on the table, feeling like a heavy weight just got placed on his back.

So basically, nothing has changed between them.

 


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh man.

After taking a long walk for the rest of the afternoon, Ian comes back to the condo. He feels fucking miserable. He feels like he hasn’t made any progress at all. He is hurting. He is confused. He doesn’t know what to do. The only thing he's sure of is that it’s all his fault. They were happy, they were fine, then this stupid fucking disease… He sighs and rubs a hand across his face.

He doesn’t blame Mickey, he doesn’t. Not even one bit. Now that he's had the time to walk and ponder on things, he is the one to blame for everything. Not Mickey. The other man has done nothing wrong except love him. So if this Adam is what makes Mickey happy then Ian has no option but to let it happen.

.

 

Mickey is at work when he gets another text from fucking Adam. This guy is relentless. Is he even 21 yet? Mickey supposes he is or else he wouldn’t have been at that bar. It’s bad enough the guy took his number, now he's texting him all the time? What if Ian sees it?

Mickey supposes considering their current situation Ian has no reason to touch his phone, but he doesn’t appreciate this guy contacting him so often. His relationship is already falling apart. Last night he called Mickey in the middle of the night knowing very well he has a boyfriend. What if they were still sleeping in the same bed?

**C’mon. You know you want to.**

Is what the last text reads and Mickey's had enough. He calls the guy and waits for him to pick up. _“Hey handsome. I was hoping you’d call.”_

Mickey rubs his forehead. “Listen you child. You trying to get me in trouble?” he whisper shouts looking around.

“ _Oh come on, if your man was doing his job you wouldn’t have let me go down on you.”_

“That’s none of your business.”

The guys sighs. _“Okay. So when can I see you again?”_

“I called to tell you stop texting me. Okay? I love my boyfriend and last time was a mistake.”

 _“How’s today?”_ Adam purrs in his ear.

“Are you even fucking listening to me?”

There's a few seconds of silence before Adam finally asks. _“If I piss you off so much, then why haven’t you blocked me?”_

Mickey hangs up. “Asshole.”

It is however a very good question. If Mickey isn’t interested in the guy then why is he tolerating him?

.

 

A few days later Mickey comes home and opens the door gently. It has somehow been even weirder in their house, even though nothing has changed. Ian still avoids him, Ian still gives him the silent treatment. The only thing that Mickey hasn’t heard in a while is; “leave me alone.”

Severally he has contemplated leaving because their relationship is clearly over, but he doesn’t know how. The thought alone makes every body part ache. He can't. He can't leave Ian. He is still holding out hope that they can figure this out. He just doesn’t know how they’ll go about doing that.

Adam is still contacting him however, and the worse their situation gets, the more he keeps tolerating the guy. For all Mickey knows, he's out here holding out hope while Ian makes plans to leave Mickey for whoever he's been fucking. For all Mickey knows when Ian wanted to talk he was about to break up with him.

.

 

Ian hears Mickey walk in. He still can't face him, not since finding out about Adam. He walks out of their room and leaves the door open. Walking down the hallway, he hears Mickey talking on the phone. He's whispering and Ian immediately knows who he's talking to.

Staying hidden, Ian eavesdrops.

“Stop fucking calling me. What are you even doing fucking texting me that shit? I've told you I have a fucking boyfriend! Adam I swear to God.”

Ian swallows and has to lean on the wall for support.

“Like fuck I am.”

Ian inhales deeply and presses a hand on his loudly beating chest.

“Fuck.” He hears Mickey curse and sees him run a hand across his hair before turning to look towards their bedroom. Ian makes sure he's out of sight. Then Mickey says three words that have a violent shudder vibrating through Ian's body. “What's the address?”

.

Ian follows Mickey.

He gives it two minutes after Mickey leaves their condo then runs out too when he hears the elevator doors close. He waits to see what button Mickey presses and he's going down to the basement. Ian gets on the second elevator and goes down to the basement too. By the time he gets there Mickey is driving off. Ian quickly gets in his car and follows his boyfriend.

He already knows where Mickey is going and he doesn’t understand why he wants to torture himself but Ian needs to _see_.

He _needs_ to see.  

He follows Mickey to a place almost twenty minutes away and watches him park outside a huge supermarket. Ian parks on the opposite side four cars behind then watches Mickey pace back and forth by the entrance while running both hands in his hair. He does it for almost 10 full minutes. He must be battling with himself and Ian feels a little better knowing this isn’t easy for the other man. He waits, sits in his car, waiting to see which side of Mickey wins out. The brunet pulls out his phone. Ian pulls out his own. Mickey looks at it for a few minutes before putting it back in his pocket and walking into the supermarket. Ian shuts his eyes tightly and waits for the pain in his chest to reside.

Mickey's made his decision.

Since its clear this is where Adam is and not just where Mickey stopped to shop, Ian gets out too. He runs with long strides into the supermarket and immediately spots his boyfriend. It’s easier to hide in here, and still be a few feet behind the other man. Ian's heart hasn’t stopped palpitating since Mickey received this phone call. He hides behind diapers as he watches Mickey talk to a significantly young guy with short, brown hair.

The two walk further, deeper into the supermarket and Ian follows stealthily.

His heart skips a beat when he sees the familiarity between them. He sees the guy whisper something in Mickey's ear and his boyfriend ducks his head and chuckles at whatever Adam just said. Ian tears up at the display. The guy nods towards a door on the left and leads the way with Mickey following.

They enter the door and before it closes Ian sees clear as day; Adam push Mickey against the wall and kiss his neck. Two identical tears fall down Ian's cheeks when Mickey buries a tattooed hand in the brown hair before the door falls shut.

Ian stumbles, forces his feet to carry him away and out of the supermarket. He is dizzy with shock and he grabs onto the cereal stand. His hands slide off, dropping  a few boxes. He blinks furiously, his fumbling legs shaking, barely able to support his weight.

He finally makes it out and walks a few steps from the exit then leans against the wall. His body is numb as a feeling of uneasiness washes over him in a building wave. His eyes burn as more tears threaten to fall, his stomach aching with melancholy.

Ian is so desperate to get home to his bed. The one place he feels comfortable enough to hide away from prying eyes so he starts walking again. He thinks about what he just witnessed and stumbles once more when a sharp pain cuts through his lower abdomen, forcing him to hold onto a stranger’s car for balance.

He can't believe what he just saw. He didn’t think he'd pushed Mickey this far.

 

.

 

He doesn’t know how he manages to drive himself home and arrive safely with how much his hands are shaking.

Ian goes to the kitchen sink and splashes water on his face. He sees Adam kissing Mickey, sees the door close behind them, doesn’t want to imagine what happened after that. But Ian understands. It’s his fault so he gets it. It doesn’t stop the piercing in his chest but he understands that his bipolar is a lot to handle. Just like those many years ago when Max cheated. When they all left.

Ian still loves Mickey so very much and still wants them to be together. They can't even have sex right now so it’s good that Mickey is getting it elsewhere.

In the privacy of their home Ian cries loudly, pain ripping loud, ugly sobs from his chest. He shakes from the force of it.

God it _hurts_. It hurts so fucking much.

Finally, Ian forces himself to stand up because he knows he has to be better. So he does something he hasn’t done in forever and decides to make dinner.  

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [](http://tinypic.com?ref=11gjc5z)  
> 


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm just gonna say this one thing; I the writer, Sharon Nduta Kamau, I **DO NOT** blame Ian for Mickey's actions. This is just Ian's insecurities, and hurt. This is the reasoning of a BP person who has been burned one too many times. His thought process is all wrong. Hopefully, it will be addressed.
> 
> Mkay? thank you!
> 
> that being said;i wont allow anyone to come at me or my readers in the comments. i can't insist anymore than i already have that this is for those who can take it. If the story is too much for you stop effing reading! it's that simple.

In all his life, in all the dinners he's ever had, this is the most awkward. And it’s with the man he loves so that’s saying something. When Mickey first walked into their condo, it was with a heavy heart. Just like every other evening when he comes home these days. But more than that, he was surprised. He could smell food. He can't remember the last time Ian cooked for them. Him.

It had made him feel like literal shit. Finding Adam today and fucking him at his job wasn’t something Mickey had planned. Meeting Adam for a second time wasn’t something he thought he’d do. But here he is, seated next to his boyfriend while he feels like the worst kind of human being. Once was already bad enough but twice? And sober? _Fuck_.

Ian clears his throat. “So umm, how was your day?”

His voice sounds kind of shaky, like he isn’t sure he should be asking that question. Mickey glances at him then looks away. “Good.” He stabs a fork into his dinner but he doesn’t really have an appetite. He doesn’t deserve to be eating such a nicely made meal by Ian. Not after what he did today.

Ian clears his throat again uncomfortably. He opens and closes his mouth a few times but ends up saying nothing.

“You… you okay?” Mickey asks. He's half waiting for Ian to snap at him like he usually does. But he doesn’t. Instead he just nods.

Mickey stares at his food again. He can tell Ian's eyes are on him, like they’ve been throughout this strange, surprise dinner, but he doesn’t want to look back. He feels like he has _I fucked someone else_ embedded on his forehead. God, why did he even do it? He is so fucking stupid. Whether Ian started it or not, Mickey should be the bigger man. He has always been the one with the most sense in his family after all.

Suddenly Ian is getting up. “I'm gonna go to bed.” He announces so quietly it’s almost a mumble.

Mickey doesn’t understand why he's been so courteous today. The last time they exchanged any words it was during their last fight. And before that… probably when both their families were here. He  watches Ian clean his plate silently before bypassing Mickey –without looking at him- and heading down the hallway.

Mickey sighs. Another night with Ian on the bed and Mickey on the couch. No surprise there.

.

 

Ian wakes up and slowly sits up. He looks at their curtains and everything that happened yesterday comes flooding back. He hugs his legs and places his head on his knees. He doesn’t move for a while, just stays in the same position and stares at their curtains. He thinks about the day he met Mickey. Thinks about their first date. Thinks about they fight they had before deciding to move in together. Ian thinks about the happy times they’ve had at this condo that he so happily furnished due to how happy they both were.

He smiles.

A tear runs down his left eye as he continues smiling softly. He wants more than anything to go back to that.

Everything Ian’s done is because he loves Mickey with everything he's got and doesn’t want to lose him. And he will keep doing the same. He can't lose Mickey. He _can't_.

He wipes his cheek then slides off the bed. Walking into their bathroom, he reaches for his pills. Ian alternates between staring at the bottles and the toilet bowl. He thinks about everything that’s going on and does it a couple more times before deciding to go ahead and take them.

.

            Ian is making breakfast when he looks behind him to see Mickey still sleeping. It’s still pretty early because after taking his pills Ian used to go back to bed. He taps his foot and watches Mickey as bacon sizzles behind him. Flashes of images from yesterday replay in his mind. Mickey letting Adam make him laugh. Mickey letting Adam touch him and kiss on him. He hisses when he feels his nails digging painfully into his palm.

Suddenly he's angry.

He throws the spatula in the sink and it lands loudly. He then turns off the gas and doesn’t take the bacon out of the pan. He pushes that too into the sink and watches as the pan overturns pouring its contents.

“What the fuck?” Mickey asks drowsily.

He doesn’t get a reply so he rubs his eyes and lifts his head. Mickey sits up slowly as he takes Ian's demeanour in. The redhead is breathing hard, his chest heaving.

“Ian?”

Ian just narrows his eyes at him angrily. He's biting on his bottom lip hard and Mickey doesn’t understand what he already did wrong and he hasn’t even woken up yet. He walks slowly towards his boyfriend who is still reacting pretty weirdly. He stretches his hand out towards Ian but the latter knocks it away.

“Don’t touch me!”

Mickey takes a few steps back, startled. It will never stop hurting when Ian talks to him this way. And every time it happens he recollects the multiple other times this has happened. The pain that slashes across his chest has him holding his breath.

“Just go Mickey. Leave.”

Ian's expression is pained and frustrated and it’s so much worse than the blankness that has inhibited his features for weeks.

So Mickey leaves.

He has never felt more fucking helpless.

.

 

“Wait, what?!” Lip practically shouts.

Ian slumps back on the seat across Lip’s desk. “Yeah.”

“Since when?”

“I don’t know. Couple of days ago. We fought, Mickey accused me of cheating, next thing I know he's heading out and fucking this Adam guy.”

Lip stares at Ian like he's gone mad. “And why didn’t you correct him?”

“Because he fucking stormed out!”

“Okay. And since then?”

“It’s not that easy Lip.”

His brother rubs his temple. “Fuck Ian. Thought you were gonna come clean.”

Ian inhales deeply. “I need you.” He changes the subject.

“What for?”

“I know where this kid works I need you to come help me find out who he is, what he is, why he… I need you to help me.”

“Why?” Lip frowns at Ian looking very confused.

“Because. I just do, alright?”

“I will never understand you I swear to God.”

“You don’t need to. Just help me.”

“Fine. But only if you promise not to engage.”

“I promise!”

.

 

Ian hangs out at Lip’s office till its lunchtime then they head out to Adam's place of work in Ian's car. Ian finishes Lip’s entire packet of cigarette by the time they're parking outside the supermarket.

“Remind me how you found out where he works?”

“I may or may not have followed Mickey yesterday when he came to meet him.”

Lip stares at Ian for what seems like an unnecessary amount of time. “You know all this could be avoided if you’d just tell Mickey the truth, right?”

“I know.” Ian replies sadly staring at his hands. Lip reaches across the consult and squeezes his wrist.

“Okay. What's this fucker’s name again?”

“Adam.”

Ian watches his brother till he walks inside the supermarket. While Lip is doing his thing, Ian goes through the texts on his phone, most of them from Mickey when they were still good and when Mickey was trying to find out what is wrong with him. He clicks reply on one of them and thinks about apologising to Mickey about this morning. Before he can do anything though, Lip is getting back in the car. He settles back in his seat and starts reading off a notebook.

“Name, Adam Burns, age twenty two, goes to Chicago state University, second year, studying architecture. Has two siblings and is the last born in his family. He, loves, cheese.”

Ian scowls at his brother. “How…”

“Well, I would have found out all this anyway after a little research but the first lady I asked about him turned out to be chatty Cathy so…”

Ian looks back at the supermarket in thought.

“What now?” Lip enquires.

Ian shrugs. “I just wanted to know.” He looks at his brother. “Curiosity I guess.”

Lip nods slowly. “Can we go now?”

Ian nods too then starts the ignition. He's just about to reverse when Adam walks out of the supermarket for what looks like a smoke break. Ian is opening the door without even thinking.

“Wait, Ian. What the fuck!”

Lip yells but Ian is already across the street and walking towards Adam. He goes and stops in front of the brown haired boy. Child. Man child. Boyfriend stealing asshole. He's lucky Ian isn’t punching him right now.

“Can I help you?” Adam asks with a smirk.

“I'm Ian.” Ian starts. “Ian Gallagher.”

“Okay…”

“Mickey's boyfriend.”

Adam has a coughing fit when he chokes on his inhale. He takes two steps back and away from Ian.

“I'm not here to hurt you.” Ian placates with his hands.

Adam throws his cigarette away and looks at Ian suspiciously. “Then what do you want?”

Ian rubs his nose and looks around the street. Lip is standing by the car watching them.

“So you’re him, huh?” Adam licks his lips. “Why would Mickey cheat on you? You're like, sizzling hot.”

“Shut up.” Ian snaps. Adam makes a show of zipping his lips. “Look I umm…” Ian clears his throat. “I am not here to beat you up or stop you from seeing my boyfriend.”

Adam scoffs. “What?”

“I umm…I kind of… I need you to take care of Mickey. Treat him right because he is an amazing fucking guy.”

“Dude, you're making no sense right now.”

Ian hasn’t been the best boyfriend. In fact he has pretty much failed miserably in that department. But despite cheating on him, Mickey is still with Ian. Mickey hasn’t left. Everything he has done, wrong or right, that has been his endgame. To not lose Mickey. Ian just wants his boyfriend to be happy. Even if that means letting the affair continue. As much as it pains him, as much as it will hurt.

“I can't do it right now so if you're going to keep… being with Mickey you better treat him right or else I _will_ fuck you up.”

Adam blinks severally at Ian. “You serious?”

Ian grabs him by his shirt and slams him against the wall. “You fucked my boyfriend even after knowing I exist. Don’t make me beat you up just for that.”  

“Ian what the hell?” Lip pulls him off of Adam.

“You're fucking crazy man!” Adam yells.

“Call me crazy one more time.” Ian growls.

He goes for him again but Lip is quick to stand between them. Adam takes the chance to run off.  Lip keeps pushing Ian towards the car. “Hey! What the hell happened to not engaging?!”

 


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please check end notes for important ...warning

_Just go Mickey. Leave._

Mickey turns and turns and turns where he’s sleeping in Iggy’s spare bedroom. He came to his big brother’s place because he didn’t know if he was allowed to go home. All day he's been replaying Ian's words in his head. In the morning, when Ian said those words, Mickey thought he just meant; ‘get out of my sight.’ But now the more Mickey keeps thinking about it, the more he wonders if Ian meant Mickey should get out of his life all together.

_Just go Mickey. Leave._

Why? How? When? Did everything get this bad? What did he do to Ian that was so bad that his boyfriend hates him now? Mickey doesn’t and will probably never understand. And right now he's at a place where he’s torn between giving up and hanging in there hoping Ian will come around one of these days.

_Just go Mickey. Leave._

A strong ache starts from his stomach and spreads throughout the rest of his body. It hurts, everything hurts. For years he has heard tales about people falling in love. Friends and people around him have gotten into relationships and glowed from happiness. And for the last year that was the case with Mickey. He’d finally understood that happy, wonderful feeling people have gushed about all his life. What he hates is that no one told him that love could also hurt this fucking bad. It feels like his heart is literally being torn out of his chest. It feels like someone just tore his chest open. It hurts so fucking bad. He sits up and hugs himself, blinking tears away in the darkness.

Mickey wants it all back. He wants to feel the sensation of the surreal intimacy and that heat. Ian's heat, like he used to. Why are things like this? Why are things so awful?

Mickey is going to be sick.

He's going to be sick.

He slides to the floor his head in his hands. He has no idea what to do.

He has no fucking idea what to do.

When he can't take the pain anymore, he gets off the bed, wipes the streaming tears from his face and gets himself together. He gets out of Iggy’s clothes and into his own. He's going home. As much as it hurts right now, Mickey must be a sucker for pain because he still wants to be within Ian's vicinity.

 

.

 

Mickey goes as far as the entrance of their apartment building. He stares at their condo through the windshield, while lying on the stirring wheel. The lights in their living room are on.

_Just go Mickey. Leave._

Suddenly he doesn’t want to go in there. He can't… he can't take Ian snapping at him. Not right now. Not with how shitty he feels right now. With that thought, he does an illegal U-turn and goes to that bar near their place where he met Adam. Its only two blocks away so within no time he's finding a parking space and walking in.

He's been dodging Adam's calls all day, not wanting anything to do with the guy. It’s bad enough he's fucked the guy two times. He can't afford to keep entertaining him. He takes a seat at the counter hoping this is not the kid’s regular joint.

.

Mickey just took a sip of his fourth beer when he feels a hand on his shoulder. He curses and shrugs Adam’s hand off.

“Whoa.” Adam starts. “When did this happen?”

Mickey glares at him. “Fuck off.”

Adam sighs and gestures to the guy next to Mickey to make space so he can stand between them. “What's going on right now?” he enquires.

“What's going on is that we never should have happened to begin with.”

Adam sighs tiredly. “This about your man again?” Mickey doesn’t reply. “If he deserves your loyalty so much then why are you here drinking him away again?”

“None of your fucking business.”

“Come on man.” The hand that was on his shoulder is back and now rubbing his lower back. “No one deserves to be miserable.” Adam whispers in his ear, his hand now caressing Mickey's thigh before landing on his crotch. “Let Adam take care of you.”

Mickey inhales deeply because he remembers having a bad day at work after he and Ian had just moved in together and the redhead had used those exact words. What the hell happened to _that_ Ian?  

_Just go Mickey. Leave._

 

.

 

Mickey drives up to the first hotel that comes up on Google maps. He doesn’t even try to think about what he's about to do. About how he's about to repeat this fucking mistake, for a third fucking time.

  
But what's he to do? His boyfriend doesn’t love him anymore, doesn’t want to see him and is probably just waiting for the appropriate time to leave him. So he gets into a hotel room with fucking Adam and lets the guy undress him. As usual Adam doesn’t kiss him on the mouth because he knows he's not allowed so he goes straight for Mickey's neck.

.

Mickey clenches his eyes shut and sobs silently with every thrust. He turns all his pain into anger and thrusts hard and angrily into Adam, tuning out the guy’s loud groans and moans. Mickey doesn’t enjoy this, he never does. But for some reason even though he's no Ian, the fact that the young man wants him and gives him all this attention, makes him feel better. When he started dating Ian he had never felt more loved but now he has never felt more unwanted. It’s like one minute he was floating in a nice, warm pool and out of nowhere gets shoved into a frozen lake without warning.

He's a man with no fucking clue on what action to take so he keeps knowingly repeating the same fucking mistake. It doesn’t help. It never does. If anything it always leaves him feeling much, much worse. But he still likes having somewhere to direct his pain; by fucking this persistent stranger who's more than glad to have Mickey use him.

Adam climaxes and drops on the bed on his stomach. Mickey pulls out and gets off the bed.

“Fuck, that was amazing.” Adam moans.

Mickey doesn’t say anything as his hardness wilts on his way to the bathroom. He needs a shower.

.

 

Ian shakes his legs the more he keeps looking at the time on his phone. Its 1:00AM. He’s been sited here checking the time since 9:00. He really hopes Mickey didn’t take his words to mean that he should leave for good. That would be the worst thing to ever happen to Ian; if Mickey does leave him.

He wants to call but he can't. He can't. He literally can't. His thumb keeps hovering on his boyfriend’s name but he doesn’t have the guts to actually click on it. He really can't. He just ends up putting the phone on the table or in his pocket. He knows, he just _knows_ Mickey is with Adam. But just because he gave the twink permission to please his man, just because he wants Mickey to be happy, doesn’t mean this is easy for him.

What if Mickey falls for Adam? What if Mickey leaves him for Adam? What then?

Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. Ian didn’t think of that possibility.

Shit.

Why does everything keep going back to him losing Mickey?

Ian gets off the couch and heads to their bedroom. He shuts the door behind him then leans on it. He fishes his phone out of his pocket, vibrating out of his skin. He recalls his encounter with Adam and hates him so much. The fucking twink wasn’t even apologetic about fucking around with a taken man.

“Ugh!” he throws the phone on the bed  angrily.

The nerve on that guy!

Ian can't take this anymore. Can't take this pain, this hurt, can't take that his relationship is a colossal fucking mess. His heart is already beating thunderously in his chest. His hands are shaking with small tremors. He folds and unfolds them in an attempt to stabilize his hands. He allows himself only a minute to calm down. He needs to do that before Mickey finds him like this. He might already be on his way.

Ian however can't get the image of Mickey and Adam together out of his head. He clenches his eyes and mouth shut, his teeth gritting and he forces himself to breathe through his nose. Ian counts each breath he takes.

One… two… three… four… one… two… three… four… and on, and on.

He does that for a few times then jolts when he hears their front door bang open. Ian runs to the bedroom door and listens for him.

“Ian! You home?” Mickey yells but Ian doesn’t answer. “’Course I am, where else would I be?” he mutters to himself, clearly imitating how Ian has taken to speaking to him these days.

The redhead’s heart clutches with guilt. He clears his throat. “Yeah.”

He then turns and gets under the covers in their bed. He faces away from the door, listening to Mickey's footsteps as he walks in. “You asleep?” he asks quietly.

“No.” Ian replies in the same volume.

His mouth goes dry and he holds his breath when the bed dips and Mickey climbs in. Ian exhales when he feels an arm wrap around his waist.

Mickey almost cries with happiness when Ian allows Mickey to hold him.

Ian is about to turn around in Mickey's hold when he smells it. Soap. His boyfriend smells like soap. Like he just showered which, of course he did. Anger burns like a fire in his belly and he can't stand it. Mickey scoots closer, tightening his hand around his sleeping form and the action renders Ian frozen. His limbs stiffen and his chest tightens. Ian's heart begins to race as his body suddenly fills with adrenaline. He starts to thrash in Mickey's arms as what has always been a comforting weight now gives him the horrifying sensation of being completely trapped.

“Get away from me.” He whispers.

Mickey calls hesitantly. Ian sounds… something’s wrong. “Ian?”

“GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!”

Mickey immediately does as told as he quickly jumps out of the bed and away from Ian. He stands by the bed and watches his boyfriend cover himself and face away from him.

Ian once loved him. There was a time Ian couldn’t get enough of his touch. Now he literally screams for Mickey to fuck off.

The brunet reins in his tears then puts his shoes and jacket back on before promptly leaving the house.

.

 

Tears cascade down Ian's cheeks. He welcomes the pain in his heart when he realises he _once again_ just drove Mickey into another man’s arms. His fingers sink into his palms so deep, he draws blood.

“Mickey.” He mutters the name, barely discernable. “I'm sorry.”

A lump stays in his throat, heartache shooting through his chest as he cries himself to sleep.

.

 

“Jesus man. What the hell? You look like you’ve been hit by a truck.” Blake says sliding into the booth opposite Mickey.

Mickey doesn’t move where he's leaning his head on the café wall, resigned. “I think Ian and I are done.” Blake sighs. “We’ve been done for a while now I just didn’t want to accept it.”

Just then his phone chimes and he doesn’t even have the energy to reach for it before Blake does. “You’ve got a text from Adam.” Blake says then frowns when he reads the content of the message. “What tha…” His friend tilts his head looking at Mickey, his face contorted in sympathy. “Mickey. Mickey, Mickey, Mickey what have you done?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning; sex scene with Adam described. a little. you might want to skip it. But dont, if you wanna know what Mickey's thinking.


	24. Chapter 24

Mickey's eyes well up and he shuts his eyes tightly then sniffs.

“I thought you just said you and Ian aren’t broken up yet?”

Mickey shrugs half-heartedly. “Feels like…” he clears his throat. “Fells like we are.”

Blake chuckles but there's no humour in it. “Mick, what the hell’s going on here?”

Mickey shifts in his seat then leans his elbows on the table. He is glad Blake is asking him about this. He's needed someone to talk to for a while. “So you know how Ian and I have been having problems?”

“Well, not really. Last I checked you was walking around looking miserable but that’s just because Ian wasn’t talking to you. I had no idea things had gotten _this_ bad.” He gestures at Mickey's phone that’s still on his hand.

“Yeah well they are.” Mickey swallows. “Ian cheated on me. Then he started acting fucking weird, pushed me away, couldn’t even get it up for me and yes, me cheating too is not the fucking solution but I have no fucking clue what to do here. I've never been in a relationship before. I am… I'm fucking frustrated and angry and, and, I don’t know what to do! I think it’s time I accepted Ian wants me gone. He just hasn’t figured out how to tell me yet.” He exhales then leans back. “So I've decided after work, I'm going home, packing my shit and moving to Iggy's. I can't…” his eyes get teary again and he looks away. “I can't do this Blake. I've tried…” he inhales and calms himself down. He can't keep crying. He is stronger than this. “I've tried.”

Blake slides Mickey's phone towards him slowly. “You haven’t tried.”

Mickey frowns. “Blake,”

His friend shakes his head vehemently. “I can't believe I have to tell you this but you need to sit down and have a fucking _conversation_. You're both fucking adults you should talk.”

Mickey thinks about it and shakes his head. “You don’t understand. Whenever I try to do anything he snaps.”

“Then snap back.” Blake insists. “Keep snapping back and forth till you get to the bottom of this.” He looks at Mickey earnestly. “Mickey, it’s the lack of communication that’s tearing you apart. Don’t you get it?”

“But…”

Blake shakes his head and hand this time, silencing Mickey's protests. “No buts. The cheating was an assumption that I deeply regret now given the current state of things. He couldn’t get hard? Maybe he was upset. Maybe he wasn’t in the mood. I don’t know. There could be a million fucking reasons Mickey.” Blake places both hands on the table looking frustrated. “But this Adam guy isn’t the solution. I know we used to bang but more than that we are friends so I care about your stupid ass. Mickey, I've never seen you as happy and you’ve been this past year. You were always smiling and laughing and looking like a love struck idiot.” He cackles. “Shit, I didn’t even know you had a fucking dimple till you met Ian now I see it all the fucking time.” Mickey cracks a small smile at that.

“You're an idiot.”

“No _you_ are. Because now I can't remember the last time I heard you laugh like that. Even Iggy thinks Gallagher has been great for you.”

The words seep into Mickey in a slow and languid process. It hurts how much he already know it. What Blake is saying is the truth.

Mickey rubs a hand across his face. “You're right.”

Blake grabs Mickey's plate and pulls it towards him. “Course I'm right.” He takes a bite of the burger then chews and swallows. “Gotta say though, sad you has been great on my wallet. Haven’t spent money on lunch for weeks.”

Mickey flips him off and the latter laughs.

As Mickey watches his friend devour his lunch, he thinks about Blake's words. Maybe Mickey _hasn’t_ tried hard enough. Ian has always been reasonable. Ian is a great fucking guy. Mickey wouldn’t love him otherwise. Maybe instead of stepping out on their relationship he should be trying to find out what went wrong. He needs to pull out of Ian the reason as to why he started pushing Mickey away for no reason. Because as far as Mickey knows he’d been the perfect boyfriend. Well, apart from the fact that he can't cook but Ian never seemed to mind that.

All this started out of nowhere and even if Mickey left, not knowing how he contributed in ending their relationship will always nag him. And since Ian doesn’t seem like he will ever make the first move. It seems it’s now up to Mickey.  

Blake is right. They should have never let things get this bad. They should have talked shit out ages ago. Mickey should’ve asked Ian outright if he cheated. He should have made more effort but this is his first time doing this. So when Ian pushed him away it hurt so badly and all he could do was allow himself to get pushed.

He is still thinking about all this when he gets two texts;

**I'm sorry Mickey.**

**We should talk.**

Mickey's heart skips a beat. It seems Ian is thinking the exact same thing. Question is, will this talk lead to a break up or a makeup?

Either way, Mickey knows what he has to do first.

 

.

 

Ian glances at his phone then throws it on the other end of the couch. This is it. He's going to do it. He's going to tell Mickey he's got bipolar disorder. He's about to find out if Mickey stays or leaves. He has never been so scared. They are finally going to talk.

This is unhealthy. They're both miserable, they're suffering, they're unhappy. And it’s all Ian's fault. He started this so he needs to fix it. The Mickey he knows and loves, wouldn’t cheat if Ian wasn’t making him. And Ian knows he would stop if he knew the truth.

Bottom line is, Ian doesn’t know how much more he can push Mickey away before his boyfriend decides to up and leave. Bottom line is that, there is nothing Ian is doing right now that doesn’t end with Mickey leaving him. And he has been trying to avoid that all this time but instead he's ended up making shit worse.

So he will tell Mickey.

It’s time.

 

.

 

Mickey sips on his beer and waits. He can't wait. It took Blake lecturing him for him to finally do this. But its time. If he cheats on Ian again he might as well go ahead and leave the redhead. He may have never dated before but even he knows this is wrong. Adam has been the biggest mistake of his life and Mickey needs to end it.

A giddy, energetic and happy Adam drops on the seat opposite Mickey. “Is this a date?” he asks with hopeful eyes.

Mickey frowns at him. “No.”

Adam slumps in his seat and pouts. “Why not? Its time.”

Mickey sighs and leans his elbows on the table. “Listen Adam,”

“You're leaving him.” Adam says again, just as hopeful.

Mickey stares at the college student. “Where are you getting this shit? What about me right now says we’re about to delve further into our none-relationship?”

Adam shrugs. “A guy can hope. I like you Mickey.”

Mickey shakes his head. “I called you here to tell you that we are done.” Adam just smiles at him and Mickey gets it because every time they’ve fucked this is how it started; with Mickey telling Adam off right before fucking him. “Adam you are a good looking college student. You are surrounded by guys of all kinds that would probably give anything to be with you. It should be great news that this older guy is ending things.” Mickey says, a hand on his chest. “Go date those boys your age that want you.”

Adam shrugs again. “Yeah but I don’t want them. I want you.”

Mickey gets up. “Okay, I said what I came here to say. And I have already blocked your number so don’t bother contacting me.  This,” Mickey gestures between them. “done.”

He's just turned around when Adam says something that stops Mickey in his tracks. “I know where you live.”

Mickey turns around, narrowing his eyes at the twink. “The fuck does that mean?”

Adam casually pulls Mickey's beer towards himself and takes a big gulp then swallows. “It means what it sounds like. I know where you live. I may not know the exact apartment but I doubt that’d be too hard.” He chuckles. “I bet your boyfriend would just _love_ to know how you’ve been fucking a younger man.”

Mickey quickly sits back down. “Are you threatening me?”

Adam tilts his head at Mickey. “No.” he scoffs. “I like you, why would I do that?”

Mickey looks around the bar then rubs a frustrated hand across his face. “What do you want.”

“My friends keeps going to these places to have fun. There's always this ridiculous amount of money people have to contribute and I can never afford to go.” Adam informs. “They're going on a boat this weekend.” He jumps giddily on his chair. “I've never been on a boat before!”

Mickey scoffs and shakes his head. “You want money.”

“And you want your boyfriend. Win win.”

Mickey takes a deep breath because of course. He deserves this. He made this bed. The thought of Ian… “How much?”

“Three K.”

“Are you fucking…” Mickey groans wanting nothing more than to reach across the table and choking the stupid boy.

“It’s a _boat_ Mickey. You thought it was going to be cheap?”

Mickey shuts his eyes, feeling a migraine coming on. “I do this, I give you three thousand dollars and you stay the fuck away from my relationship?”

Adam nods and finishes the rest of the beer. “Sure.”

Mickey exhales in relief and nods his head. Then Adam almost gives him a heart attack.

“Till next weekend. Then I’ll tell you how much I’ll need then.” He grins at Mickey with all his teeth. “I think you better go ahead and unblock me Mickey. seems like we’re not done here.”

Curse the day Mickey thought cheating was the way to go.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, my sincerest apologies. but RL needed me. i'm sorry for delay  
> but regular updates are back now! :))

Mickey has been pacing outside their door for close to twenty minutes now. He is so scared, it reminds him of when he had to report to his dad after failing a job. He never knew what he would walk into and how his father would take the negative report. It’s the same now, he doesn’t know what awaits him on the other side of the door, all he knows is it can't be good. Especially not after he tells Ian he just came from meeting this _younger_ guy he's been fucking. Even if it was to end things.

 _Jesus Christ._ He's about to tell Ian about Adam, he's about to come clean, and whether or not Ian did the same at some point it doesn’t make Mickey feel better. The bottom line is that he fucked up.

“I'm sorry Mickey, we should talk.” _We should talk_.

Mickey re-reads the text out loud. Why do people do that? Why do people say that knowing it’s the single most dreaded statement in relationships? Is Ian apologising for last night, or is he telling Mickey he's sorry because of what he's about to say during this talk?

Fuck. Mickey's going to have a fucking heart attack and he's not even thirty yet.

 

 

Ian has the lights turned off but the light in the hallway is on so he can see Mickey's shadow on the other side of their door. His boyfriend has been pacing for almost half an hour now. Ian is torn between thinking Mickey's nervous because Ian texted they should talk, or he's nervous because he can't figure out how to tell Ian he's leaving him for Adam. This is why he hasn’t just walked over and pulled the door open.

He is just as nervous as Mickey if not more. He has postponed this for so long that their relationship ended up suffering because if it. This has been the worst month of Ian's life. But enough is enough. They are not teenagers. They're two grown ass men they should have talked about this ages ago. But, Ian isn’t known for making the best decisions so this turn of events is not a surprise.

He however wonders how long they can stand on opposite sides of the door before one of them makes a move.

 

 

When ten more minutes go by Ian decides he better make the first move before Mickey turns around and goes back to Adam's waiting arms. Ian takes slow short steps towards the door till his hand is on the knob and he's pulling it open. Mickey's eyes fly wide open and he takes a step back, surprised. Ian wants to laugh, because why is Mickey surprised?

“Hi.” He greets instead with a small smile.

The smile was clearly necessary because Mickey visibly exhales in relief before replying; “Hi.”

“You want to maybe come in?”

“It’s my house too you know.” Mickey replies, his tone light and both men chuckle.

Ian closes the door behind them and Mickey leads the way to the living room. He sits on the couch while Ian takes one of their two red seats. The brunette stares at his palms, rubs them together, folds and unfolds his palms. He is a nervous wreck. Someone needs to start fucking talking.

“There's something I need to tell you.” Ian starts, thank God. “Something I should’ve told you a long time ago.”

Here it is. Here is comes. Ian is about to tell Mickey how he cheated, and while it was just fucking at first, he fell in love with this other guy and is now leaving Mickey. The shorter man isn’t prepared for this. He really isn’t. Sure he's been fucking Adam but he's not ready to be left for another man. Not by who he's sure is the love of his life.

“I’m bipolar.”

“Please don’t – what?” Mickey blinks at Ian and scoots towards the edge of the couch.

“I have bipolar disorder.”

Mickey tilts his head at the redhead. He's heard that word used in insults a couple of times. Iggy has an ex he likes to call bipolar just because she was fucking nuts. Mickey is a testament to her craziness, but he has a feeling what Ian is trying to say is much more complicated than that.

“Is that like, a disease or some shit?”

Ian chuckles humourlessly. “Or some shit.”

Mickey sighs, then swallows and nods twice. “Okay but, what does that have to do with anything?” he enquires because this conversation is nothing like he thought it’d be.

Now it’s Ian's turn to avoid Mickey's eyes and play with his fingers. “Because this shitty situation we’re in is my fault.” Mickey doesn’t say anything because he is one confused man right now. Ian clears his throat and continues. “I got diagnosed at seventeen. It took me a while to accept it because my mom had it and she was… she wasn’t a good mom. So I didn’t want to be like her.” At this point he raises his head watching Mickey keenly. “I uhh…” he licks his lips. “Let’s just say it was a while before I finally accepted I was sick and decided to see a doctor and take my meds. Just, wait here.”

Mickey watches Ian get up and head down the hall. He quickly grabs his phone and types in ‘bipolar disorder’.

 _ **Bipolar disorder**_ , _also known as manic-depressive **illness** , is a brain  **disorder**  that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. There are four basic types of  **bipolar disorder** ; all of them involve clear changes in mood, energy, and activity levels._

“Shit.”

Mickey curses. Four things are jumping at him making Mickey feel like total and utter garbage.

 _Brain **disorder**_  
 _Unusual shifts in mood_  
 _Inability to carry out day-to-day tasks_  
 _Changes in mood, energy, and activity levels_.

Every, single, reason, Mickey thought Ian didn’t love him anymore is up on this list. And he hasn’t even read all of what's written on here. He doesn’t even need Ian to tell him he has never cheated on him. God, what has Mickey done?

Just then Ian comes back with a brown envelope and he pours the contents on their coffee table. Pill bottles fall out and Mickey's jaw drops.

“Are those…”

“Mine? Yeah. I have to take them every day without fail otherwise the fallout is pretty bad.”

Mickey scrunches up his face in confusion. “Ian those are six pill bottles.” Ian nods, running a hand across his hair. “And you're telling me you’ve been taking these every single day we’ve been together.” Ian opens his mouth to speak but Mickey continues. “How did I not notice?”

“I usually wake up before you do, take then hide them.”

Mickey stands, hands on his waist. He stares right at Ian who stares back unblinking. “How did I not know this?” he asks again. “I'm the worst boyfriend to ever fucking exist. I should have known you were…”

“Hey, hey, hey.” Ian is quick to get on his feet and rush to Mickey's side. He's got a crushed look on his face and he looks like he's minutes from shedding tears. It breaks Ian's heart. “Mick, _I_ kept this secret. _I_ didn’t want you to know. This is _not_ your fault.” He emphasizes hoping Mickey is hearing him.

“I still feel like I should have known this. You're my God damn boyfriend.”

Ian sighs and holds both of Mickey's cheeks so the latter will look at him. “Stop Mickey, you didn’t know and it’s on me.”

Mickey steps away and walks so he's facing their balcony doors. “You didn’t cheat on me. I thought…” he coughs and ducks his head and Ian really wants to hold and comfort him.

“I would never cheat on you Mickey.” he replies, shakily.

After a few minutes Mickey turns and sits back down on the couch, tapping the space next to him. Ian swallows and obeys the silent order. His heart starts hammering in his chest. His hands curl and uncurl compulsively as he waits for the hammer to fall. Was this the moment? Was he about to hear how Mickey is leaving him for Adam? How Ian turned out not to be the boyfriend he wanted? Was he being replaced? Had he just scared Mickey off by coming clean? Was Mickey about to break his heart over this disease like every man in Ian's past?

Whatever happens he isn’t letting Mickey go without a fight. Mickey is it for him and he won't let their love die quietly.

Mickey takes Ian's left hand and squeezes his wrist. A shudder goes through the redhead. “Why were you pulling away Ian?” Mickey asks. “I love you, if there's something going on I want you to feel you can tell me. Always.”

Ian nods. “I'm sorry I was so distant. But it’s this fucking disease. I didn’t want it to push you away and it broke my heart every time I saw how much I was hurting you.” He explains. “I'm sorry.” He finishes quietly.

Mickey is still thinking about how he cheated on Ian for no fucking reason at all and every time Ian mentions this illness it shutters Mickey right through his core. “Why didn’t you tell me you were sick?” he asks over the pain in his chest. Why didn’t Ian trust him enough to tell him something so crucial?

Ian sees the look on Mickey's face and he can tell it’s hurting the other man that he kept this from him. “I was going to, I swear. It’s just that every time I did in my past relationships it didn’t go so well.”

Mickey looks at him with watery eyes. “I wish you’d trusted me with this Ian. I…” Mickey sniffs and looks away before standing again.

Ian stands too so he's behind Mickey. He remembers Fiona’s words about Mickey leaving him for keeping such a huge thing from him. “I couldn’t risk you leaving me like the others.” He explains, his voice shaky.

Mickey turns around. “But _I love you_.” He says it pleadingly, like Ian doesn’t understand.

While hearing Mickey says those three words after all this pleases Ian, it doesn’t make him feel better for all the lying. “I know that.” He takes both of Mickey's hands, his eyes getting as teary as Mickey's. “But I've never felt this way about any other person Mick. I couldn’t… I couldn’t risk scaring you away.”

“It just a disease Ian. A disease that’s not your fault. I would never…” 

“I know that now.”

“Fu…ck.” Stutters Mickey. “I just…” he pulls his hands away.

“Understand, please.” Ian begs desperately. “I have been burned in the past ‘cause of this fucking... I _couldn’t_ lose you too. I couldn’t watch you leave me Mickey.”

“This is why you tried to push my away when we first met.” Mickey voices in realisation.

Ian nods quickly. “Yes! Exactly. I had resigned myself to never dating again.”

Mickey looks at Ian's pleading eyes. He can't believe more than one person actually left this wonderful man all because of something that was out of his control. He doesn’t even want to think about all the other men in Ian's life that left him. He wonders how many times Ian has had his heart broken. It hurts wondering.  It hurts even more when he thinks about how he's about to be a part of that list when he tells Ian he stepped out on him more than once.

He steps back towards Ian so they're practically chest to chest. Placing a hand on his boyfriend’s cheek, he watches Ian lean towards his touch and shed a single tear. Mickey lets out a shuddering breath.

“I'm not going to leave you.”

Ian chokes on a sob before throwing himself at Mickey. The latter holds onto him and rubs his back gently. He doubts Ian will find comfort in him when its Mickey's turn to come clean. They stand there holding onto each other so tightly, it hurts. It’s a nice pain though. Having Ian hold him like this… Mickey has no words for how good it feels.

Ian continues to tighten his hold almost like he's expecting Mickey to change his mind and run. In that moment he wants to hunt each of those cowards down and shoot them right between the eyes for making this beautiful man so insecure.

Mickey pushes Ian back gently so they're looking at each other again. He gets it now. He understands everything. From the little he saw when he goggled bipolar he's learned it can make a person pretty unstable and he gets where Ian was coming from. He can't even fault him for anything. If anything he's the one worried Ian will leave _him_.

He clears his throat. “So these men. They really left you just because you were sick? That why you felt you couldn’t tell me?” Mickey asks again for clarity’s sake because he still can't believe there's someone out there who would do that.

Ian nods, ducking his head. “Two left and one…” he trails off, wondering if he should tell Mickey what Max did, because it will just make Mickey feels worse.

“One what?” Mickey probes.

“One cheated.”

Mickey feels like he just got punched right in the fucking face. Fuck. _I did the same thing._ He is no better than these men he wants to hunt down. Things got a little hard and he cheated. One of Ian's exes that Ian probably hates, cheated on him and Mickey did the exact same thing! There is a sharp pain in his chest. He feels like someone just wrenched his insides, gutted him and proceeded to trumple on every single organ. He holds onto his stomach as a monstrous wave of nausea hits him.

Ian can tell what Mickey's thinking. And he wants to tell him he's not like Max because unlike his ex, Mickey didn’t know. He's about to tell Mickey that he knows about Adam and that Mickey shouldn’t blame himself, but his boyfriend is rushing towards the kitchen, his palm on his mouth. Ian stands by and watches Mickey hurl in their sink.

“Are you okay?” Ian asks handing him one of their kitchen towels.

Mickey just looks at him and then pukes again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading and sticking with me.  
> Mwaaah!!!


	26. Chapter 26

“Are you okay?” Ian rubs Mickey's back.

Mickey nods but otherwise doesn’t respond. He just keeps gaggling his mouth clean. Ian is torn. He wanted to tell Mickey he knows about Adam so that everything can be discussed tonight, but now he's not so sure he should. Not after Mickey vomited just from hearing one of Ian's exes cheated too. Ian can't even begin to imagine how awful his boyfriend would feel if he found out Ian knew about Adam this entire time. Ian can't do that to Mickey. Not tonight at least.

So as he helps dry Mickey's face, he decides he will let Mickey tell him about Adam. He will let his boyfriend come clean himself. It will be easier that way. The last thing Ian wants is for Mickey to hurt more than he already has. Besides, Mickey only cheated  because Ian withheld the truth from him. There is no way he's going to keep fucking Adam now. That little twink is a none fucking factor now so Ian thinks its okay. He can wait for Mickey to tell him.

Whether tonight, tomorrow or whenever, Ian doesn’t care as long as things go back to how they used to be.

“You wanna go to bed? Rest up?” he asks Mickey whose now drinking water.

Mickey looks at Ian for a few seconds. Ian doesn’t say anything, infact his boyfriend pretty much just stares back, like he knows Mickey has no fucking clue what to say. As if aware Mickey feels like shit and just needs time. When he first got here he was ready to tell Ian everything. He was ready to come clean. He should have gone first. He shouldn’t have waited for Ian to tell him his truth first because now how can Mickey tell him what he did?

How can Mickey tell the man he loves that he is exactly like his ex? That he acted like a fucking teenager and instead of talking about it chose to cheat just because he thought Ian was cheating too? How do you break someone’s heart like that? Someone like Ian who's already been hurt by his past lovers too many times? At this point confessing wouldn’t be helping anyone. It will just hurt them both and Mickey might end up losing Ian. No way the redhead doesn’t leave Mickey for doing exactly what that Max guy did.

Mickey is fucked.

Talking is the way to go. If the past month has taught them anything it’s that they need to talk instead of jumping to conclusions. But it’s so hard not to right now. It’s so hard not to picture Ian leaving him, even though it would be exactly what Mickey deserves.

“Let’s go to bed. Come on.”

Mickey lets himself be guided to their bedroom. He stops by the entrance, takes a minute to see if this is really happening. Are they really going to sleep in the same bed? Shit, Mickey doesn’t even remember the last time they did that. He can feel Ian's hand on his lower back, can feel the redhead’s thumb caressing him back and forth. Now Ian is pulling him further into the room. Because he wants him here. Shit, Ian wants him here.

Mickey can feel his throat clogging up as he gets emotional. This is really happening.

“Ian.”

“It’s okay.” Ian gives him an encouraging smile.

Mickey shakes his head and pulls away from the taller man. “I don’t want to get used to this just so you can kick me out tomorrow or next week.”

“I won't.” Ian says.

Mickey doesn’t fully understand the ins and outs of bipolar yet, but he knows enough to know that; “You don’t know that.”

Ian steps closer and caresses Mickey's cheek. “I do actually.”

“How?”

“Because I’ll never let it get that bad, ever again.” Mickey doesn’t understand. Ian nods in understanding and takes a seat on the bed, encouraging Mickey to do the same. “Ever since I started taking my meds, my high and lows aren’t as bad. At this point I notice immediately when something is off.” He takes Mickey's hand. “And when I do I run to my doctor and get my meds adjusted. I haven’t experienced a low in _years_ Mick.”

“But…”

“I was afraid you were gonna leave me when you found out I was sick so I stopped taking my meds, seeing no point in doing so.”

“Ian.”

“I'm sorry Mick. It won't ever happen again. I wish I had confessed to you sooner but I was, so _scared_. I love you so much I couldn’t stomach the thought of losing you.”

“I can't either.” Mickey replies honestly, prompting a smile from the redhead who then kisses the back of Mickey's hand.

“That’s enough talk for tonight. We can pick it up tomorrow. Tonight I just want to sleep next to you. Like before…” Ian smiles. “Please.”

Mickey nods and gets up so he can take off his jeans. Ian does the same. They quietly settle into their respective sides of the bed in silence. Mickey is still feeling pretty overwhelmed at being back in their bed again, while Ian won't stop smiling for the same reason. He's craved and cried and missed Mickey in their bed, sleeping next to him. Things had gotten so bad Ian didn’t think this was a possibility again.

They slowly scoot closer, but they don’t touch. No man wants to rush anything, as they're both content to just lie there next to each other. No one breaks their eye contact either and when Mickey takes one of Ian's hands in his own, the redhead lets him.

That’s how they fall asleep.

 

.

 

Something groans and grumbles against Mickey's chest, the sound softly reverberating through his ribs. It’s a pleasant rumble that gently coaxes Mickey into waking up. It takes a while for him to realise he's not dreaming. He can't help the sleepy smile that slowly stretches across his lips. Ian is clinging onto him like and octopus, his head nestled against Mickey's chest, his arms and legs wrapped tightly around Mickey's body. The brunet is so damn warm and comfortable he never wants to move. God, it’s been long. It’s been so long since he woke up like this and he's not opposed to being in this position forever.

He loves this so much. Waking up in their bed together again with Ian so close and flush against him the most reassuring heat. Mickey wants to wake up just like this every single day after today. The feeling is so familiar and so pleasant he can't stand the idea of losing it again. Ian is still asleep and Mickey starts gently caressing the red hair.

He smiles at the man sleeping soundly on his chest. Ian is actually here right now. They’re sleeping in the same room, same bed, with Ian drooling on his T-shirt but Mickey could care less. Right here, in this moment with Ian, is a place where he doesn’t have to think about anything else but this. All thoughts about Adam and how he hasn’t come clean or what might happen when he does, he can forget for a few more moments.

Ian is woken by soft hands in his hair. Damn that feels good. It’s been a long time since he woke up like this, in Mickey's arms and with his boyfriend touching him intimately. It feels amazing.

“You awake?” Mickey asks.

 “You're still here.” Ian mumbles, nuzzling further into Mickey's shirt and stifling a yawn.

Mickey frowns because it sounds like a realisation, as if Ian himself just had to make sure that Mickey hasn’t disappeared. “Still here.” He replies kissing the red hair. He buries his nose further into the softness, smiling at the way it tickles his skin. “And I'm never leaving.”

Ian contentedly hums at Mickey's words. Nothing in the world has ever sounded so good. He had stayed awake most of the night, tossing and turning afraid to lose Mickey. He’d been afraid of Mickey changing his mind about accepting him the way he is. But Mickey is still here and hasn’t left. And he just said he never will.

Ian tightens his grip around Mickey's waist. He wants to keep him close and for as long as he can. He wants this wonderful moment to last. He never wants Mickey to leave his side. He wants everything Mickey's to be his, he never wants the other man to stop raking his hands over his body, never wants Mickey to look anywhere else. And he just got his wish, because Mickey just said he isn’t going anywhere.

Ian's heart wells with happiness.

 


	27. Chapter 27

March.

Mickey watches his boyfriend take his cocktails of meds after finishing breakfast. He slowly sips on his coffee again wondering how Ian managed to hide this from him for over a year. “Do you really have to take them forever?” he asks since he's been doing a lot of research on it.

Ian shrugs, downing the last of his pills with a glass of juice. “When I got diagnosed the doctor said I’ll be taking them for thirty to fourty years which I chose to translate as forever so, yeah.”

“I'm sorry.” Mickey says taking Ian's hand. “If you ever need anything promise me you’ll let me know.”

The redhead smiles gently before kissing the back of Mickey’s hand. “I love you Mick. Again, I'm sorry for thinking…”

Ian trails off when Mickey shakes his head ‘no.’ “Don’t.”

Ian nods. “Okay.”

They finish the rest of breakfast in companionable silence. “You busy tomorrow night? I was thinking we could do something.” Mickey suggests.

Ian smiles. “Something like what?”

Mickey shrugs. “Maybe go on a date? I really miss when we used to do that.”

Ian nods in agreement, squeezing Mickey's hand gently. “I do too.”

Mickey grins happily. “So we on for tomorrow?”

Ian scoots his seat closer and Mickey takes both his cheeks and they exchange a short sweet kiss. It doesn’t go deeper than that. Since they made up they haven’t done anything but exchange small kisses here and there. But Mickey doesn’t mind that they're taking things slow, he wouldn’t even care if they weren’t kissing at all. All he knows is that they're sleeping on the same bed again, Ian doesn’t snap or talk rudely to him and their relationship is almost back to normal. Now all Mickey has to do is come clean.

It’s been two days since Ian told him about the disease. Two whole days and Mickey still doesn’t know where to start, has no fucking clue how to even tell Ian what he did. It’s been an inward battle with him and he's so scared. Ian looks happy again. He's laughing and telling jokes and being loving again. And it’s enough to make Mickey hold back. Things are just beginning to go back to normal and Mickey is scared of ruining things. He's scared of going back to hurting and crying. Which will happen when he upsets Ian or worse when the redhead leaves him.

So basically he's been going back and forth whenever he's at work or not around Ian. Because when he's around a happy, laughing, loving redhead he tends to forget there's something he should be confessing. And yes, Mickey is aware the longer he waits the worse it will be but God, it’s so hard. Even finding the right words to use in his confession hasn’t been possible.

.

 

Two days.

Over forty eight hours.

And Mickey still hasn’t told Ian about Adam. While Ian is okay with giving his boyfriend all the time he needs to come clean, he's getting desperate. He needs Mickey to bring up the topic so they can talk about it and get it out of the way. Sure they're fine, sure they're laughing and smiling again and exchanging chaste kisses. But Ian feels like until they get the Adam thing is out of the way, they won't truly be okay.

He knows Mickey thinks he doesn’t know. But the thing is, he _does_ know. And he has to admit it hurts a little that Mickey is keeping this from him. Why hasn’t his boyfriend said anything? Why?

He came clean, they talked about his disease and Mickey assured Ian he isn’t going anywhere. While Ian had felt immense relief and happiness at the assurance, the more Mickey keeps quiet about Adam the more insecure Ian gets. The more doubtful Ian becomes. Did Mickey really mean what he said? Is Ian being bipolar really a none issue? Or did he just realise he’d rather be with Adam who's disease free and therefore stress free?

Ian sighs as he drives to work. On the one hand he really wants to believe Mickey. But on the other hand, why won't Mickey just tell him? Has he even stopped seeing Adam?

Those are the thoughts that cogitate in his mind on the daily the more Mickey keeps mum about this. But Mickey just suggested they go on a date tomorrow so Ian's looking forward to it. Maybe all they need is a romantic ambience and Mickey will finally talk.

He hopes.  

 

.

 

After leaving work, Mickey decides he will talk to Ian when they come home from their date. If they're moving forward, Mickey can't keep shit to himself. Blake’s words but the guy is right. If the last month has taught him anything, it’s that secrets kill relationships. He needs to come clean. It’s not going to be easy but he really should. Even if Ian leaves him (his chest aches from the thought alone) at least Mickey will have told him what he did.

Blake had yelled at Mickey that afternoon and it had given him the push he needed.

He's nervous all through the date, even though he tries really hard not to show it. He listens to Ian talk about his work and about his family. He watches the redhead go on and on, not minding one bit. It distracts him from what's ahead. It’s such a different Ian from the one he's had the last month that it’s a nice change of pace. He thought he’d lost this forever.

Now he understands why Ian doesn’t drink as much. So many things about Ian are starting to make sense. Of all the things Mickey imagined were wrong with his boyfriend, he didn’t think an illness was it.

.

They walk to the car hand in hand, with Ian stealing short glances at Mickey. The brunet wants to ask what that’s about, but his mind is too far away. He's just thinking about what will happen when they get home and he tells Ian everything. He is so scared he doesn’t say anything the entire drive home.

“I need a beer.” A frustrated Ian says as soon as they walk into the condo.

He really thought Mickey would come clean during dinner. How much longer is Mickey going to keep quiet for? It’s beginning to worry and piss Ian off. Mickey's being a fucking coward and Ian is over it. He hears the toilet flush and sighs. They really, can't go on like this. They can't.

And Ian has had it. That’s it. He decides he can't wait anymore. If Mickey won't talk about Adam, he will. He grabs a beer from the fridge and drinks almost half of it. He needs to know and he needs to know now. They can't continue living like this.

One of the phones on the table chimes with a text and Ian sees it’s not his own, its Mickey's. He really hasn’t touched his boyfriend’s phone since the day he found out about Adam. It was a violation of privacy he knows, which is why he hasn’t done it since. But here Ian is again, worried about some college twink, and wanting nothing more than to check Mickey's phone.

So he does.

 **Yo, Iggy said yes. You owe me 30 bucks.** Ian exhales in relief, not knowing what he expected to see. It’s just Mickey's friend or rather ex-fuck buddy Blake. It’s not Adam. Phewks!

Ian is about to place the phone back on the table when he notices a text from an unknown number before that. It was sent yesterday.

 **Thanks for paying…** that’s all Ian can see so far.

He chews on his bottom lip and goes ahead and clicks on the text so he can see the rest of it.

 **Thanks for paying for my trip handsome. You're the best.** It’s followed by like ten emojis.

This is from Adam. No way this message isn’t from Adam. Is Mickey sending that fucking twink money? As in his boyfriend is funding Adam’s college life? What the fuck does this even mean? Was he right? He was right. Mickey didn’t leave Adam. Mickey is still fucking the college student. Otherwise why would he be sending him money?

Pain slashes across his stomach like a shard in his gut when he realises he's the only one who still cares about their relationship. It feels like death. He reads the text again and it short circuits his mind. Ian chokes on his breath as his heart shutters. The beer bottle drops from his hand and shutters loudly along with his heart.

What did he do to deserve this? Was he a serial killer in another life? Does he not deserve love? Why do men keep doing this to him?

He looks at the text, his vision blurry so the words don’t make sense anymore.

Mickey just broke what he fixed a few days ago. Ian is back to feeling inadequate, worthless, unlovable and a total failure. The fact that Mickey is still seeing Adam hurts worse than when he found out about the affair.

Just as Ian is hiccupping through his first sob Mickey comes rushing into the room. “What happened? Are you okay?” Mickey notices his tears and the painful expression on his face. When he notices the broken bottle he starts touching Ian all over. “Are you hurt? Ian what's wrong?”

“You're sending Adam money?” he asks, his chest aching like its on fire. “You're sending fucking Adam money?” he demands.

Mickey looks at Ian speechless. He glances at his phone that’s on Ian's hand. Before he has a chance to say anything, the redhead throws the phone at Mickey's chest.

“How could you Mickey?” he gets dizzy and staggers so Mickey quickly grabs him. He cries loudly in Mickey's hands. “How could you do this to me?”

Mickey can't speak either. There's a big lump in his throat and it hurts just from seeing Ian hurt like this. _I'm sorry_ doesn’t seem enough. Not with how devastated Ian looks right now.

What was Mickey thinking?

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know it seems like i hate you guys but i dont. i really dont.  
> he he he heee


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah. I know. :(

_How the fuck does Ian know about Adam????!!!_

"Ian. Shhhh. Ian. Please." Mickey pleads as they slide down the kitchen floor when he cant hold Ian's weight anymore. "Ian please stop crying." The redhead only cries louder ignoring Mickey's pleas so the brunette shouts; "I'm not fucking Adam!"

While that does work to silence Ian, he somehow ends up looking even more heartbroken than he was when he was crying. So Mickey adds;

"Anymore." He says. "I'm not fucking him, anymore."

The relief that Ian exhales has him slumping back and lying on the kitchen floor, blinking up at the ceiling. He covers his face with the back of his wrist and then sniffs. "I'm sorry." He mutters.

"Why the fuck are _you_ sorry?'' Mickey asks, stunned. ''I'm the one who fucked up and stepped out on the most, amazing guy I've ever met." Ian scoffs like he doesn't buy that. Mickey can't blame him.

The redhead sniffs then starts. "It's all my fault." He sniffs again. "I shouldn't be getting angry or jealous but I can't help it." Mickey frowns, confused. ''It's all my fault.'' His redhead repeats as his voice gets lower. ''It's always my fault.''

''Ian,'' '

'I'm too much! My disease is too much. It's my fault they cheated it's my fault they left,'' He wipes his eyes vigorously as more tears leave him and then adds; ''It's my fault you cheated.''

Mickey sits on the floor next to Ian watching his boyfriend beat himself up. He is so shocked and he doesn't understand why Ian would think like this so he just listens. But it pains him. God, it pains him so much to see Ian blame himself because his exes were assholes. Because Mickey is an asshole.

Ian uncovers his face and looks at Mickey. He can see wheels turning in the shorter man's head. Can see that Mickey doesn't understand why he's blaming himself. No one ever does. And he can see that he's upseting Mickey. And that's when he realises that he shouldn't be saying stuff that's upsetting his boyfriend. He sees Mickey rub his face with both hands right before cursing softly.

Yes. Ian definitely shouldn't upset the only guy who has ever accepted his disease so when Mickey stands up he panics, thinking the latter is leaving.

Begging. He should start begging.

He can't lose Mickey. Not now. Not after he's found the only guy who'll ever love him. He gets on his knees and crawls towards the other man. ''I'm sorry Mickey. I'm so sorry. Please don't... please don't leave me.'' He starts begging desperately. ''Mickey please.'' Ian doesn't know what he'll do when his last chance at happiness walks out that door.

Mickey couldn't be more baffled in this moment. He blinks down at a distraught Ian who's begging _on his knees_. On his fucking knees! He honestly doesn't know what to make of this. But there is one thing he can say.

''I'm not leaving you Ian." The redhead sits on his heels and sniffs, wide eyes open in surprise.

"You're not?" He sniffs again, his eyes blinking back tears.

It breaks Mickey's heart. But he is still so adorable and looks so vulnerable and he truly is the sweetest guy. Mickey wants to kiss him. Mickey wants to hammer into his head how special and wonderful he is. He takes Ian's hand and stands him up. Guiding him to the couch, they sit next to each other.

Mickey turns Ian's head and plants a soft kiss on his lips. ''I'm not leaving you Ian.'' He repeats, assuringly. "I wouldn't know how."

Ian let's out a shuddering breath and immediately starts crying again. The only thing Mickey can do is hold him and hope that this hug helps take some of Ian's pain away.

 

.

 

 

"I wanna find every fucker you ever dated and put their head through a wall." Its over an hour later and Ian has calmed down and is lying on Mickey's lap while the latter caresses his hair. The redhead has his eyes closed but is fully awake. "How does a guy like you end up this fucking insecure Ian?"

Ian blinks up at Mickey, licks his lips but doesn't answer. Instead he diverts his eyes and takes Mickey's F-U-C-K hand to start playing with his fingers.

When he speaks again it's with a soft almost hesitant voice. What he asks next almost gives Mickey a heart attack. ''Do you love Adam?'' Ian sits up after asking the question while Mickey swallows nervously.

He honestly cannot believe he fucked someone else despite the circumstances. ''You're the only man that has my heart Ian.''

Ian nods and starts to smile but it soon dissapears when he remembers; ''Then why did you pay for his trip then, huh?'' Ian inquires, his voice wobbly like he's about to start crying again.

Mickey can't have that.

''He blackmailed me!'' Mickey exclaims.

''What?'' Ian frowns.

''He threatened to find you and tell you about...'' Mickey sighs. ''He threatened to tell you if i didn't give him three grand.'' he explains. ''I didn't want to lose you Ian. I still don't."

''That little shit.'' Ian punches one of the pillows. ''He's a fucking...'' he shakes his head and chuckles bitterly. ''He knew i knew and yet he still pulls this?''

''Wait, what?'' Mickey's heart skips fast and hard as he takes in what his boyfriend is saying. Then he realises that yes, going by his reaction today, Ian _knows_ who Adam is. ''YOU KNEW??!''

Ian rubs the back of his head and avoids Mickey's eyes. "I accidentally saw a text a couple of weeks back. I wasn't going through your phone i swear Mickey.''

Mickey scratches the back of his head and gets up so he can pace back and forth on their carpet. Ian knew. Ian has known about Adam this entire time while Mickey was lying and fucking him. How the redhead mustv'e felt everytime Mickey...

''FUCK?!'' He yells. ''Ian listen,'' he looks at the other man who's watching him, concerned. ''Saying i'm sorry doesn't seem enough. I wont apologise for doing exactly what your exes did. What i'll do is give you an out.'' Ian starts to talk but Mickey continues. ''I don't deserve you Ian. I am a horrible human being and you shouldn't be with me.'' he cannot believe Ian knew this entire time. It makes him feel a hundred times worse. ''I... I... fuck.''

''Mickey please stop beating yourself up. Please.'' Ian reaches for Mickey's hand and pulls him down on the chair next to him. ''I gave Adam the go ahead to... sleep with you when i found out you two were...'' he trails off. Mickey's eyebrows shoot up to the top of his forehead so Ian explains. ''I have been the horrible boyfriend this last month. I pushed you away and into that boy's arms. I understand why you did what you did Mick, so if you want to blame someone, blame me.''

Mickey shifts on his seat. ''Ian, the fuck are you talking about?''

''If i had told you about my disease earlier you would have never cheated on me.'' Ian replies matter of factly. ''This wasn't your fault.''

Mickey doesn't know much about therapy but he's pretty sure Ian could use some. His way of thinking is just... wrong. Something tells him though, if he tells Ian that he will either be upset, or wont believe when Mickey tells him everything he just said was fucking ridiculous.

''Fuck, Ian.''

''It's fine, Mick. Just tell me...'' he licks his lips and ducks his head. ''How many times?''

Mickey shakes his head. ''How many times what?''

''How many times did you and Adam....?''

''Ian.'' ''

"Please. I need to know.''

''Three.'' Ian swallows and nods.

''Did you use protection?''

''Each time.''

Ian nods again. ''Who topped?''

''I did.''

''All three times?''

Mickey inhales. ''All three times.''

Ian rubs his face with both hands then exhales. ''Good.'' He nods some more. ''That's good.'' he repeats feeling better for some reason.

He glances at his boyfriend who's watching him nervously. Ian chews the inside of his cheek and he just needs to be sure so he asks; "But you love me right? It's me you'd rather be with?"

Ian can't help but want to cry again when he thinks that Mickey will say no. But what can he do? He loves Mickey and wants him to be happy. So if he would rather be with Adam he can't do anything about that. But Ian won't be home waiting for Mickey to come smelling like soap again. That hurt too much. So before Mickey can say anything, Ian continues; 

"I kinda need you to say you love me back Mickey." The redhead sniffs his heart pounding a mile a minute. "And if you can't do that, I need you to let me go." 


	29. Chapter 29

Mickey gasps, his heart breaking with every word leaving Ian's mouth. He stutters, tears running down his face. "I have always loved you Ian. I never fucking stopped." He scoots even closer and touches his vulnerable boyfriend's face. " _Fuck_ , I'm so sorry." He has never regretted anything more in his life. "Ian I'm so sorry I cheated." Now they're both crying silently. "But I have _never_ once stopped feeling the way I've always felt about you." Ian laugh-cries while nodding happily. So Mickey tells him what he really needs to hear. "I _love_ you." He says. "And I have never meant anything more in my life."

"Mick." Ian starts, eyes shinning with happiness.

"You're my first love Ian. You're the first guy I've ever loved and I refuse to lose you because I'm an unfaithful shithead!"

Ian practically dives into him as he wraps his hands around Mickey's neck, laughing and sobbing at the same time. Mickey sniffs and hugs the love of his life back, so happy that they're finally talking like this. 

 

 

.

 

Mickey leads Ian to their bedroom when he notices how exhausted their talk has made his boyfriend. No one says a word as they change into their pyjamas and settle in at what is now 2:25AM

Ian who is still feeling vulnerable and who's so happy they're headed back to normal wants nothing more than to sleep in his boyfriend's arms so he immediately faces the wall so Mickey will spoon him. Ian sighs happily when he feels that familiar arm wrap around him. It feels so good to be like this again. He has wished for nothing more over the last few weeks. 

Mickey sniffs Ian's hair before kissing the redhead's neck. He can't even begin to explain how happy he is in this moment that they can be together again like this. "Call in sick tomorrow?" He asks in the quiet of their room. 

"Yes please."

 

 

.

 

 

When Ian wakes up the next day, there is a hand running up and down his back gently and his head is rising up and down with every breath Mickey takes. He smiles. He's so happy they talked last night. Now they can work into getting back to the way they were. Glancing at Mickey, he sees his eyes are watery as he shares up at the ceiling. Ian leans on his elbow, worried.

"Mick, what's wrong." 

The brunette glances towards him then away. "I am a horrible human being. I don't deserve you." He says sounding pained.

Ian pokes him. "Hey careful, that's my boyfriend you're talking about."

Mickey gives him a soft smile but it's soon replaced by a solemn one. "I am exactly like your ex."

Ian sits up on the bed, crossing his legs so he can look at Mickey better. "No you're not, you didn't know."

Mickey shakes his head because that's not an excuse. "I am so fucking sorry. I can't believe you still want me, still love me. How can you still want to be with me?" He asks Ian genuinely. 

"Mick." 

"I don't deserve you."

Ian doesn't know what to say. Doesn't know how else to explain to Mickey that this is all on him. That _he_ did this. If anything Ian is the one who doesn't deserve Mickey. But he doesn't seem to be conveying that right so he settles for; "You're the only one for me Mick." 

Mickey sighs and nods, taking Ian's hand and twining their fingers together. "Can't  believe you knew about Adam." Ian shrugs and looks away. "Why didn't you say anything?" Mickey asks quietly. 

Ian squeezes Mickey's hand. "I had pushed you away." He starts. "I felt like I had ruined everything but still didn't want to lose you. So I was just glad he was giving you what I couldn't." He explains. 

Mickey shakes his head in disbelief. "And you've what? You've... you've been suffering in silence this whole time? Why the fuck would you do that!" 

"It was my fault." Ian repeats meekly. 

Mickey frowns and stares at Ian for a long while. Eventually he asks; "Do you have a shrink?" 

"Gallaghers don't do therapy." Ian replies pulling his hand away. 

Mickey sits up too, leaning against the headboard. "Yeah well that needs to change. Because what you just said is all kinds of fucked up." Ian just blinks at him so Mickey takes his hand again, rubbing it comfortingly. "You should be seeing someone Ian. This isn't healthy." 

Ian shrugs again, slowly. "I've thought about it but never saw the point."

"What if I go with you?" Mickey asks.

Ian looks back at Mickey and him seeing a shrink seems really important to his boyfriend so he nods. "Guess it wouldn't be too bad if you're there." He grins and gets one back. 

"I'll take you. I'll be glad to take you." Mickey pulls Ian so the latter is laying on his chest again. "I wanna be there for you, if you let me"

Ian smiles, burying his head in Mickey's chest. "I'm sorry I'm a mess." He says, voice muffled. 

Mickey chuckles and kisses the top of his head. "You're my mess."  

They stay there holding onto each other for a while. They don't speak, they don't move, just clutch at one another, an almost desperate attempt at keeping each other as close as possible. Mickey has never held Ian like this before. Not this long, not this tight and he never wants to let him go. Not now, not ever. He wants to keep Ian this close until his muscles give up and his body can't take the unnatural heat. The words are crawling up his throat. Then they're right there at the tip of his tongue. Just waiting for Mickey to open his mouth and spit them out. He squeezes Ian who squeezes back even tighter. Mickey just needs to say it one more time so it will embedded in Ian's brain. 

"I will never leave you, Ian." 

Ian inhales and nods against Mickey's chest while the latter revels in the moment of making a promise he can keep. 

He then promises once more by adding; "And i will never cheat on you, ever again. No matter what's going on in our lives."

That's all Ian wants. He wants the closeness back. Every ounce of him yearns for a tiny piece of their lost bubble. Yearns to get back what they lost. And Mickey's words continue to cement their relationship. His boyfriend's words raise Ian's hope and he realises he might just be getting his wish. 

.

 

 

 They fall asleep again and when they wake up Ian makes them lunch. They don't talk, but rather just bask in each other's presence. Neither man is in a hurry to say or do anything. Both men miss when they used to kiss and touch but they can feel they won't be doing that today. 

So they hang out in their condo watching movies while in each other's arms and spending quiet time together. Each man contemplates their future and concludes to do better. Ian doesn't want to lose Mickey and Mickey hates even the idea of it. So they each decide to themselves that they need to do what needs to be done to make their relationship work. They can't afford to fuck up again. They need to do better. 

They have to do better. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To Be Continued.......


	30. Chapter 30

"I thought you were cheating, you know." Mickey says quietly.

They have left their bed and are in the kitchen making breakfast together. After everything that has taken place in the last month its surreal to both men that they're here now trying to get back to the way things were. 

Ian sighs where he's setting the table. "I know, but Mickey I would never."

Mickey scratches his eyebrow after turning off the gas. "You stopped talking, you freezed me out," he releases a shuddering breath. "You didn't want to fuck me, couldn't let me touch you."

"Mick I..."

"And when you couldn't get it up I..."

"It's the meds Mick. I didn't..."

"I know that now." Mickey interrupts facing his boyfriend. "I'm just saying at the time it really seemed like you didn't want to be with me." He finishes. 

"I know I drove you away Mick. Everything that happened is on me."

"Ian, stop. I'm not making excuses. I shouldn't have cheated. I should've talked to you instead of..." Mickey trails off and sighs. "I fucked up."

"We both did."

Ian helps Mickey place the food on the table and they take their respective chairs. 

"We messed up." He continues. "But the good thing is, we talked it out before it was too late and now we can decide where we want to go from here." Ian takes Mickey's hand in his own and the latter squeezes it. "We can start over."

Mickey smiles. "Start over." He repeats. "I like the sound of that." 

Ian lets go and digs into his sausage. "Starting with eating breakfast like we used to and then going shopping later." He smiles softly at Mickey. "We will spend the day together and try to forget the mistakes we made and the one month we just wasted."

Mickey chews on his bottom lip and Ian looks at him with a frown. "What?" 

Mickey stares at his plate. "You are really willing to forgive me after what I did?"

Ian tilts his head. "Are you willing to forgive me after what _I_ did?" 

Mickey shakes his head. "That's different Ian. All you did was hide your disease from me and your reasons were valid!" 

"Which in turn pushed you into another man's arms." 

Mickey opens then closes his mouth. He doesn't know what to reply everytime Ian counters with that. While its true Ian pushed him away, it's still not an excuse. He feels like maybe Ian shouldn't be forgiving him this quickly. But from what he's learnt about his boyfriend's way of thinking, he knows he cannot change the redhead's mind. Ian is convinced Mickey isn't to blame for anything and won't listen no matter what the latter says. 

He sighs. His boyfriend needs to talk to a professional. Mickey decides to find some of the best shrinks in their area, doesn't care how much it will cost. 

"So do you want to do anything other than what we have planned?" Ian cuts into his thoughts. 

Mickey smiles at him, picking up his fork. "I just want to be with you." 

Ian grins down at his plate, pleased. 

 

.

 

 

April

 

 

                          Apart from the fact that they're not having sex, their relationship is back to the way it was. They're laughing again, they're talking freely, they're sleeping in the same bed, they're spending time together and nothing feels off. 

Every night they sleep in each other's arms, completely satisfied and happy. Ian hasn't started going to therapy yet but Mickey is still insisting on the subject as soon as they find someone. Ian isn't fighting the issue if it's what will make his boyfriend happy. 

Ian had talked to Lip that day who had kept repeating _I told you so_ throughout the entire phone call. He will probably never let Ian live it down. But Ian is overjoyed over the fact that his brother was right. Mickey has seen him at his worst and he's still here. 

Ian finally found the one. 

The one who stayed after experiencing a low and a high even though he had no idea at the time. The one who stayed even thought he thinks Ian's thought process is fucked up. The one stayed and has continued to love Ian inspite of his faults. 

He is so happy. 

He didn't think this day would come where he would be happy and his partner would know everything. Ian decides never to take Mickey or their love for granted. He will never lie again, he will never push the brunette away ever again. It's honestly all the way from now on. 

He finishes brushing his teeth and heads to the bedroom. Mickey is already in bed waiting. He pulls back the duvet and Ian slides in next to him. They lay facing each other, exchanging small smiles. Their bodies shift closer ever so slightly, their mouths millimetres away. Tiny sparks of tension course through their muscles. 

Their eyes dart between each other's lips and eyes repeatedly. Ian let's out a heavy breath. Adrenaline courses through Mickey's veins and he shifts even closer with Ian meeting him halfway. His lips press gently against Ian's. Ian's hands curl into Mickey's arms, pulling him closer, much closer, until Mickey can feel his warmth. 

Then everything accelerates.

Their heartbeats, their breathing, their movements. Ian opens his mouth further, tongue gliding against Mickey's hot, soft and moist. Electricity courses through Mickey and they both moan.

God, it's been long. It's been so fucking long since they've been together like this. Since they've kissed or touched like this. 

"Fuck." Mickey curses before straddling Ian. 

The redhead wraps his hands around Mickey's back and pulls him ontop of him so they're chest to chest. They continue to make out and caress each other, chasing this intense feeling of being together again. 

"Please let's never stop doing this." Ian says out of breath.

"Agreed." Mickey replies before sealing their lips together again. 

 God Ian missed this. It was incredible how much. He presses closer, opening his mouth and shuddering lost at the touch of Mickey's tongue again. When Mickey finally pulls away, Ian is forced to grip onto him his hands shaky. He kisses the crook of Mickey's neck inhaling his scent.

"It scares me how much I need you." he whispers.

Mickey rakes his fingers through the red hair. "I need you too." he replies.

A flash of doubt crosses Ian's face when he lifts his head to look at Mickey but it quickly disappears when he sees how earnest Mickey is being. He nods breaking out into a soft smile and leans in to place a slow, torturers, kiss on Mickey's lips.

And then another and another utill they're devouring each other once again.

.

 

When they finally make love it is a slow and languid process that takes both their breaths away. It's almost like they're joined together for the first time with how incredible it feels. There's no hurry, no rush as Ian thrusts into Mickey, completely getting lost in the tightness that is his boyfriend's ass.

Mickey on the other hand cant understand how he managed to go for so long without having Ian like this. He grabs harder onto the redhead, nails digging into the pale back which has Ian growling into Mickey's mouth. 

They stay entwined for a while, savouring what both men thought they'd lost and are glad to have back. 

Their sex has never felt better.

 

 

.

 

 

 

A week later Ian is off but Mickey isn't. So the redhead makes his boyfriend lunch and decides to take it to him. He might even spend the hour with his boyfriend before he has to go back to work. Just like he used to. Things have been so good between them he feels like he's always smiling. He feels like they might even be better than before. 

Before the fight, Ian was walking around with this big secret that weighed him down so much sometimes that he didn't know what to do. All he knew back then was that he couldn't confess no matter what. 

But now Mickey knows and Ian doesn't have to hide his meds. Doesn't have to make his family lie for him. They now know everything they need to know about each other and Ian knows they couldn't be happier. He parks his car outside Mickey's place of work and steps out then takes a deep breath of fresh air.

 

.

 

Mickey smiles at his phone and Blake scoffs.

"What you weirdo?" Mickey asks.

"Me? Weirdo? I'm not the one smiling at my phone."

The two are having a smoke break outside the building before they head out for their lunch breaks. 

"Ian is bringing me lunch, alright?" Mickey explains. "Things are good. Really good."

"You never thanked me for that by the way." Blake points out. "If I didn't help you get your head out of your ass..."

"Oh screw off." Mickey insults even though he knows his friend is right. 

Suddenly Blake is grabbing Mickey by the waist from behind and twirling him. "I am so happy for you! Now you're back to being happy and pissing me off with your good mood!" 

"Put me down you idiot!" Mickey yells, laughing. Blake practically drops him and Mickey has to catch his balance. "Asshole." 

"Umm, hi guys." Both men turn in surprise to see Ian watching them while holding a white bag. "I brought you lunch." He directs at Mickey who walks towards him. 

"Thank you." He smiles and takes the lunch from Ian. "Saving my ass here." 

"Man, that's so unfair. Now I'm the only one who's gonna spend money on shitty food." Blake laments. 

"What can I say? I'm a lucky guy." Miciey says before standing on his toes and planting a chaste kiss on Ian's dry lips. "Thanks." He repeats.

"Yeah." Ian glances at Blake then back at Mickey. "I'm gonna go."

"Already?" Mickey asks a little disappointed. He was hoping Ian would stay a while. He has an hour before he has to go back to work. 

"Yeah." Ian is already walking away backwards. "Got something I gotta do. Enjoy." 

"Okay. See you later." 

"Yeah." 

Mickey watches Ian walk away and can't help but feel like something is off. 

"You alright?" Blake asks as they both watch Ian drive off. 

"Yeah." Mickey replies even though he's anything but. 

 

 

.

 

 

 

Ian peaks into the bar and sees its Charlotte behind the counter. He walks in with a smile. "Hey Char." 

"Hi Ian."

"Where's Moz?"

"Cancelled today's shift. What can I get ya?"

"A bottle of vodka." 

"Bottle." Charlotte checks for the time. "It's that kind of day, huh?" 

"Yeah. No ice." 

 


	31. Chapter 31

Ian, being the lightweight that he is starts laughing hysterically when he realises he ordered a bottle of vodka when his meds would never allow him to even drink half of it. He’s had like a glass and a half and is already unsteady in his stool. He grabs his bottle and goes to sit by a table. It’s either that or fall on his ass.

  
.

  
Mickey is having a shitty afternoon. Ian had been off. He knows what he saw and something on Ian’s face had not been pleased with Mickey. It hadn’t taken too long for Mickey to realise its probably because of how Ian found them. But then again Mickey is having a hard time believing that Ian could be jealous over Blake. He established a long time ago that they’re just friends now. So Ian has no reason to feel insecure about the guy.

Unless... unless it’s because Mickey recently cheated on him and it was too early for Ian too see him being that close with another man. Especially, a man he used to fuck.

“Shit.” Mickey doesn’t get anything done for the rest of the afternoon.

.

_He wouldn’t._

Ian’s mind supplies the more he keeps thinking about Mickey and Blake. Mickey wouldn’t do it. Not after they just made up. Not after Ian forgave him for Adam. He wouldn’t. Mickey is a good man and wouldn’t break Ian’s heart like that. This is just Ian’s imagination taking what he saw today and running with it. They were just playing around, it was completely innocent, but Ian’s not so hidden insecurities have him in this bar, drinking. Which he really shouldn’t be.

Ian doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. He’s met Blake before. The three of them have hanged out severally during their lunch breaks when Ian brought Mickey lunch. He’s even picked Mickey up from Blake’s once when his boyfriend and Iggy went visiting after work. He knows what they have is 100% platonic. So why his mind is going down this road he has no idea. Ian gets up and staggers towards the door, almost breaking his nose when he misses the exit.

He should talk to Mickey.

.

  
“Ian?” Blake opens the door surprise etched on his face. He tries to look behind Ian. “Is Mickey with you?”

“Can i come in?” Ian pushes Blake roughly and walks into his apartment. “Nice digs.”

A confused Blake shuts the door and slowly walks towards the redhead. He doesn’t know how to approach this. “Umm, thanks.” he clears his throat sensing hostility.“Is Mickey on his way or...?” he asks again and Ian glares at him.

“No. Why?”

Blake clears his throat again. “It’s just that i’ve never seen you here unless Mickey’s here too.” He quickly rushes to steady Ian where he almost falls on the coffee table but the redhead pushes him away. “Are you drunk!” he exclaims, as the smell of alcohol registers.

Ian scoffs.

“Did you and Mickey fight? Do you want me to call him?” Blake asks already pulling out his phone.

“You fucking Mickey?” Ian accuses, stepping closer.

The question has Blake freezing. “What?”

Ian steps up to him so they’re breathing the same air. “I asked you a fucking question. Are you, fucking my boyfriend.”

Blake chuckles because honestly this situation is ridiculous. “Ian, Mickey and i are past that. You know this.”

“Blake, is everything okay?” a voice asks from somewhere in the room but Ian is too focused on Blake to investigate.

“Yes babe, everthing is...”

Next thing Blake knows he’s on the floor with Ian ontop of him shouting; “ARE YOU FUCKING MY BOYFRIEND?”

“Jesus fucking Christ! No Ian! I’m not fucking Mickey. Haven’t fucked him in more than a year. You know this.”

The voice from before yells and Ian looks up from where he’s still grabbing Blake’s shirt with two hands. His vision takes a while to focus but he sees some skinny guy dressed only in boxers and a t shirt shaking as he watches the scene infront of him.

“Who the fuck are you?” He demands.

“That’s my boyfriend. Leo.” Blake replies from his position on the carpet. “See? I have no reason to go after Mickey. He and i are just good friends. That’s it.”

“I’m calling the cops.” Leo starts but Blake stops him.

“No! Just grab my phone and call Mickey.”

  
.

Mickey is pacing in the living room because Ian’s phone is off and none of his family members has heard from him. He is so close to filing a missing person’s report when he gets a call from Blake.

“Blake?” he receives, his mind already wandering as he tries to figure out his next move.

“No, this is Leo. You need to come over as soon as possible.”

Mickey frowns in confusion. “Leo, what the fuck are you on about?”

“Ian is here and if you don’t come right now, I’m calling the cops because i prefer my boyfriend to be alive!”

Leo hangs up before Mickey can ask anymore questions. He is still very confused even as he parks outside his friend’s apartment building. He takes the stairs, too impatient to wait for the lift.   
Mickey has to blink a few times when he stands infront of Blake’s couch. Leo looks calm now as he guides Mickey to their living room. The brunette scratches his left cheek then places his hands on his waist. Where to even begin.

Ian is lying on Blake’s lap, as the latter pets his hair. He’s not crying at the moment but Mickey can tell that he was. He wants to shout; _what the fuck is going on!!!_ but he manages not to. Instead he nods gratefully at his friend and kneels infront of his boyfriend. He caresses Ian’s cheek and the redhead gives him a small smile.

“Hey baby, you ready to go home?”

Ian looks at him and nods wordlessly before letting Mickey help him up. As they get into the elevator Mickey gets a text from Blake explaining why Ian was over there.

  
.

  
Mickey knows this might not be the time, that Ian is still drunk and they need to atleast get home first but he needs to know. “Did you really think i was fucking Blake?” he asks. “After we just made up and after i told you how much i regret cheating on you the first time?”

Ian who is leaning his head on the window sighs. “I...” He licks his lips. “No... Well, a little bit. I’m sorry Mick.” He looks at Mickey who just sniffs and nods, eyes on the road. Mickey nods his head again like he expected it. Ian sees his boyfriend tear up and he hates how he reacted today. He knows Mickey’s thinking Ian will never trust him because he already cheated once but that’s not what this is. “Mickey, look, it’s not about Adam, alright?” Mickey glances at him doubtfully before facing the road again. “Look we’ve been through alot, and i just found out you have no issue with my... with me. And all this time i’ve been thinking you would be so much better with anyone...”

“I would never cheat on you Ian. Not after...”

“I know, okay!” Ian interrupts. “In my head i know, but it’s just this gut reaction i’m trying to work on. I spent all this time, waiting for you to leave me but here you are. And you continue to love me, for me.”

Mickey is glad when they finally enter their building and he can park the car. “There’s no one else for me but you.” he starts. “Jesus, Ian. I know i cheated on you but that was... I don’t... I love you. It will never happen again. I now know what to expect now and how to deal if it ever happens again. I will never step out on you.”

“It’s not you, Mick. This is my issue. You have to understand i didn’t think i could ever land someone like you.”

“You didn’t _land_ me, Ian.”

“You know what i mean!” Ian reaches across for Mickey’s hand. “Look, none of that matters. I was an asshole for what i did tonight. I never should’ve gone there. I never should have insinuated that you were fucking Blake.” Ian sighs again and leans back on his chair. “I’m sorry Mickey. Okay?”

Now it’s Mickey’s turn to sigh. “Okay. Let’s go in.”

.

They walk into their home and Mickey sits Ian down on the couch before bringing him a jug of water. He pours some into a glass and hands it to Ian. “Drink. You need to sober up.”

Ian does as told. “I’m sorry.” he apologises as he watches Mickey refilling his glass.

“You should be.” Ian ducks his head. “You smell like vodka and i know for a fact you shouldn’t be taking that.”

The redhead nods in agreement. “I know.”

“I love you.” Mickey says caressing the red hair. It's slowly downing on him those are words he needs to keep repeating until Ian stops doubting Mickey's love for him.

Ian smiles softly. “Still?”

“Seems like it.” Mickey shrugs then chuckles making Ian laugh. “Look, it’s fine. I get it. I cheated and now you’re having a hard time trusting me.”

Ian shakes his head ‘no’. “That’s not it. I trust you Mickey. A thousand percent. I have just been betrayed so many times ‘cause of the bipolar issue and i guess i still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that you’re here for the long haul.”

“What do i need to do to convince you that i will never leave you for anybody else?” Mickey asks. “Because i’ll do it.”

An overwhelmed Ian puts the glass down and grabs Mickeys cheeks. “God, Mickey. God.” he kisses Mickey. “I can’t believe i found you.” he kisses him again. “Can’t believe i get to have you forever. I love you.” Ian burrows into his boyfriend needing closeness. Mickey’s scent calms him and he doesn’t ever want to leave his side. They lie down on the chair with Ian ontop of Mickey. “Don’t let go.” he whispers as Mickey’s arms tighten around him.

“Never.”

Ian feels so reassured as he lays there on Mickey’s chest listening to the steady thumping of his heartbeat. He looks up to see Mickey’s eyes are closed as he smiles softly, happily.

“I love you.”

Mickey opens his eyes. “I love you too Ian Gallagher.”


End file.
